Short Plays

they refused to serve me with a second lunch; so I went on to the Carlton. Of my subsequent experiences at the Savoy, Pagani’s, Frascati’s, Gatti’s, five baked potato men, and a coffee stall, I shall say nothing. Suffice it that when at last the craving for food was stilled, the craving for love returned in all its original force. I felt I must have something to cherish, to sacrifice myself for. You no doubt hold that self-sacrifice is a woman’s chief amusement. The Lord Chancellor Certainly I do. Anastasia Any man would. Well, what was I to love? My friends recommended marriage: a man, in fact. But I hesitated to rush at once to so expensive and troublesome an extreme. I tried a pet dog; but when it had been stolen for the sixth time by the man I bought it from, I refused to pay any more rewards, and we were parted forever. I tried a cat; but its conduct was so disreputable that I really could not live in the same house with it. I adopted the orphan child of a crossing sweeper who was run over; but when its aunt learnt that I had no parents she would not permit it to stay. Glad as I must confess I was to get rid of the little beast, my starved heart still ached, my empty arms still longed to gather some beloved object to my breast. The Lord Chancellor If I can be of any service to you, madam⁠— Anastasia You? You are married, are you not? The Lord Chancellor Well, er, yes I er⁠—am married. Mercer Catching her eye. I’m sorry, miss; but so am I. Still, a divorce would be a matter of only eighty pound or so if we made it a fairly straight case. Anastasia

Never shall it be said that Anastasia Vulliamy built her happiness on the ruin of another woman’s home. There are younger and handsomer men than you, my lord: there are more genteel characters than Mercer. Neither of you, if I may be allowed the expression, is precisely what I should call a peach. And I want⁠—oh, I want a peach. He must be a young peach. Not that I am to be seduced by the fleeting charms of a smooth cheek and a slim figure. But it’s a necessity of my position as a woman that I should marry someone whom I can bully, because if a woman can’t bully her husband, her husband generally bullies her.

You, my lord, you will, you can,
Find me a young and foolish man.
Into my arms: under my thumb
Let him come, let him come.

I fear I am almost dropping into poetry; but the tumult of my emotions carries me away. I implore you not to keep me waiting. My soul, my soul is thrilling as it never thrilled before. My arms, my arms are longing as they never longed before. My heart, my heart is beating as it never bet before. Every nerve in my body, every fibre in my heart⁠—

Brabazon enters. Brabazon Excuse me: I left my stick, I think⁠— Anastasia Throwing herself into his arms. He has come: he has come: the very thing I want. Brabazon Quite out of the question, my dear lady. Sir Cardonius will tell you that you are too young, too irresponsible, too impulsive to be anything more to me than an extremely agreeable object of contemplation, and a charming hostess. With that object may I venture to propose a marriage to you? Anastasia Silly! that is exactly what I am proposing to you. Brabazon Not marriage to the same person, I think. You, as I understand it, propose to marry me. I propose that you should marry one of my friends. You can then invite me to your house, and put on your best company manners for my benefit. He will have the privilege of paying for your hats, and enjoying your no-company manners. Mercer My lord: this man has a giant intellect. The Lord Chancellor It will avail him as little as if he were the biggest fool in creation. Young man: you are lost. I argued as you do. I tried to get out of it. Mercer I moved all the way from Gospel Oak to Islington to escape; but it was no use. The Lord Chancellor Beware how you anger her by showing any reluctance. Remember: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Mercer What’s the good of that nowadays? When that was written a woman would take no for an answer. She won’t now. Anastasia You will begin walking out with me at once. You are only on approval, of course; but if you suit, you may consider next Friday three weeks named as the day. Brabazon But where does the merit come in for me? Where is the moral discipline? Where is the self-sacrifice? You are an agreeable person: to marry you would be an act of pure selfishness. Anastasia So you think now, dearest. You won’t think that a year hence. I’ll take care of that for my own boy. Brabazon Yes, but look here, you know. Have you got any money? Anastasia Not a rap. Brabazon And you expect to get a slave for nothing. What cheek! Anastasia I’m richer than you think, darling. It’s true that I’m a poor penniless orphan. Doesn’t that touch you? Brabazon Not in the least. Anastasia Thoughtless boy. Have you forgotten that the women who have money always belong to some family or other? Brabazon Well? Anastasia Well, a family means relations. You can’t call your house your own. The brothers borrow money. The sisters come and stay for months. The mother quarrels with your mother. Mercer Gospel truth, every word of it. The Lord Chancellor Undeniable. He sighs deeply. Anastasia I, my love, am not perfect. I am a weak woman: I have nothing to cling to but your love, nor any place to rest except your very becoming fancy waistcoat. But at least I’m a foundling. Brabazon Excited and hopeful. A foundling? Anastasia I haven’t a relation in the world. Brabazon Clasping her. Mine! mine!!