Heartbreak House

is a soul in torment here. What is the matter? Mangan This girl doesn’t want to spend her life wondering how long her gloves will last. Captain Shotover Passing through. Don’t wear any. I never do. He goes into the pantry. Lady Utterword Appearing at the port garden door, in a handsome dinner dress. Is anything the matter? Ellie This gentleman wants to know is he never to have the last word? Lady Utterword Coming forward to the sofa. I should let him have it, my dear. The important thing is not to have the last word, but to have your own way. Mangan She wants both. Lady Utterword She won’t get them, Mr. Mangan. Providence always has the last word. Mangan Desperately. Now you are going to come religion over me. In this house a man’s mind might as well be a football. I’m going. He makes for the hall, but is stopped by a hail from the Captain, who has just emerged from his pantry. Captain Shotover Whither away, Boss Mangan? Mangan To hell out of this house: let that be enough for you and all here. Captain Shotover You were welcome to come: you are free to go. The wide earth, the high seas, the spacious skies are waiting for you outside. Lady Utterword But your things, Mr. Mangan. Your bag, your comb and brushes, your pyjamas⁠— Hector Who has just appeared in the port doorway in a handsome Arab costume. Why should the escaping slave take his chains with him? Mangan That’s right, Hushabye. Keep the pyjamas, my lady, and much good may they do you. Hector Advancing to Lady Utterword’s left hand. Let us all go out into the night and leave everything behind us. Mangan You stay where you are, the lot of you. I want no company, especially female company. Ellie Let him go. He is unhappy here. He is angry with us. Captain Shotover Go, Boss Mangan; and when you have found the land where there is happiness and where there are no women, send me its latitude and longitude; and I will join you there. Lady Utterword You will certainly not be comfortable without your luggage, Mr. Mangan. Ellie Impatient. Go, go: why don’t you go? It is a heavenly night: you can sleep on the heath. Take my waterproof to lie on: it is hanging up in the hall. Hector Breakfast at nine, unless you prefer to breakfast with the captain at six. Ellie Good night, Alfred. Hector Alfred! He runs back to the door and calls into the garden. Randall, Mangan’s Christian name is Alfred. Randall Appearing in the starboard doorway in evening dress. Then Hesione wins her bet. Mrs. Hushabye appears in the port doorway. She throws her left arm round Hector’s neck: draws him with her to the back of the sofa: and throws her right arm round Lady Utterword’s neck. Mrs. Hushabye They wouldn’t believe me, Alf. They contemplate him. Mangan Is there any more of you coming in to look at me, as if I was the latest thing in a menagerie? Mrs. Hushabye You are the latest thing in this menagerie. Before Mangan can retort, a fall of furniture is heard from upstairs; then a pistol shot, and a yell of pain. The staring group breaks up in consternation. Mazzini’s Voice From above. Help! A burglar! Help! Hector His eyes blazing. A burglar!!! Mrs. Hushabye No, Hector: you’ll be shot. But it is too late: he has dashed out past Mangan, who hastily moves towards the bookshelves out of his way. Captain Shotover Blowing his whistle. All hands aloft! He strides out after Hector. Lady Utterword My diamonds! She follows the Captain. Randall Rushing after her. No. Ariadne. Let me. Ellie Oh, is Papa shot? She runs out. Mrs. Hushabye Are you frightened, Alf? Mangan No. It ain’t my house, thank God. Mrs. Hushabye If they catch a burglar, shall we have to go into court as witnesses, and be asked all sorts of questions about our private lives? Mangan You won’t be believed if you tell the truth. Mazzini, terribly upset, with a duelling pistol in his hand, comes from the hall, and makes his way to the drawing table. Mazzini Oh, my dear Mrs. Hushabye, I might have killed him. He throws the pistol on the table and staggers round to the chair. I hope you won’t believe I really intended to. Hector comes in, marching an old and villainous looking man before him by the collar. He plants him in the middle of the room and releases him. Ellie follows, and immediately runs across to the back of her father’s chair and pats his shoulders. Randall Entering with a poker. Keep your eye on this door, Mangan. I’ll look after the other. He goes to the starboard door and stands on guard there. Lady Utterword comes in after Randall, and goes between Mrs. Hushabye and Mangan. Nurse Guinness brings up the rear, and waits near the door, on Mangan’s left. Mrs. Hushabye What has happened? Mazzini Your housekeeper told me there was somebody upstairs, and gave me a pistol that Mr. Hushabye had been practising with. I thought it would frighten him; but it went off at a touch. The Burglar Yes, and took the skin off my ear. Precious near took the top off my head. Why don’t you have a proper revolver instead of a thing like that, that goes off if you as much as blow on it? Hector One of my duelling pistols. Sorry. Mazzini He put his hands up and said it was a fair cop. The Burglar So it was. Send for the police. Hector No, by thunder! It was not a fair cop. We were four to one. Mrs. Hushabye What will they do to him? The Burglar Ten years. Beginning with solitary. Ten years off my life. I shan’t serve it all: I’m too old. It will see me out. Lady Utterword You should have thought of that before you stole my diamonds.