Heartbreak House

epub:type="z3998:persona">The Burglar Well, you’ve got them back, lady, haven’t you? Can you give me back the years of my life you are going to take from me? Mrs. Hushabye Oh, we can’t bury a man alive for ten years for a few diamonds. The Burglar Ten little shining diamonds! Ten long black years! Lady Utterword Think of what it is for us to be dragged through the horrors of a criminal court, and have all our family affairs in the papers! If you were a native, and Hastings could order you a good beating and send you away, I shouldn’t mind; but here in England there is no real protection for any respectable person. The Burglar I’m too old to be giv a hiding, lady. Send for the police and have done with it. It’s only just and right you should. Randall Who has relaxed his vigilance on seeing the Burglar so pacifically disposed, and comes forward swinging the poker between his fingers like a well folded umbrella. It is neither just nor right that we should be put to a lot of inconvenience to gratify your moral enthusiasm, my friend. You had better get out, while you have the chance. The Burglar Inexorably. No. I must work my sin off my conscience. This has come as a sort of call to me. Let me spend the rest of my life repenting in a cell. I shall have my reward above. Mangan Exasperated. The very burglars can’t behave naturally in this house. Hector My good sir, you must work out your salvation at somebody else’s expense. Nobody here is going to charge you. The Burglar Oh, you won’t charge me, won’t you? Hector No. I’m sorry to be inhospitable; but will you kindly leave the house? The Burglar Right. I’ll go to the police station and give myself up. He turns resolutely to the door: but Hector stops him. Speaking together.  Hector
Randall
Mrs. Hushabye Oh, no. You mustn’t do that. No no. Clear out man, can’t you; and don’t be a fool. Don’t be so silly. Can’t you repent at home? Lady Utterword You will have to do as you are told. The Burglar It’s compounding a felony, you know. Mrs. Hushabye This is utterly ridiculous. Are we to be forced to prosecute this man when we don’t want to? The Burglar Am I to be robbed of my salvation to save you the trouble of spending a day at the sessions? Is that justice? Is it right? Is it fair to me? Mazzini Rising and leaning across the table persuasively as if it were a pulpit desk or a shop counter. Come, come! let me show you how you can turn your very crimes to account. Why not set up as a locksmith? You must know more about locks than most honest men? The Burglar That’s true, sir. But I couldn’t set up as a locksmith under twenty pounds. Randall Well, you can easily steal twenty pounds. You will find it in the nearest bank. The Burglar Horrified. Oh, what a thing for a gentleman to put into the head of a poor criminal scrambling out of the bottomless pit as it were! Oh, shame on you, sir! Oh, God forgive you! He throws himself into the big chair and covers his face as if in prayer. Lady Utterword Really, Randall! Hector It seems to me that we shall have to take up a collection for this inopportunely contrite sinner. Lady Utterword But twenty pounds is ridiculous. The Burglar Looking up quickly. I shall have to buy a lot of tools, lady. Lady Utterword Nonsense: you have your burgling kit. The Burglar What’s a jimmy and a centrebit and an acetylene welding plant and a bunch of skeleton keys? I shall want a forge, and a smithy, and a shop, and fittings. I can’t hardly do it for twenty. Hector My worthy friend, we haven’t got twenty pounds. The Burglar Now master of the situation. You can raise it among you, can’t you? Mrs. Hushabye Give him a sovereign, Hector, and get rid of him. Hector Giving him a pound. There! Off with you. The Burglar Rising and taking the money very ungratefully. I won’t promise nothing. You have more on you than a quid: all the lot of you, I mean. Lady Utterword Vigorously. Oh, let us prosecute him and have done with it. I have a conscience too, I hope; and I do not feel at all sure that we have any right to let him go, especially if he is going to be greedy and impertinent. The Burglar Quickly. All right, lady, all right. I’ve no wish to be anything but agreeable. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen; and thank you kindly. He is hurrying out when he is confronted in the doorway by Captain Shotover. Captain Shotover Fixing the Burglar with a piercing regard. What’s this? Are there two of you? The Burglar Falling on his knees before the Captain in abject terror. Oh my good Lord, what have I done? Don’t tell me it’s your house I’ve broken into, Captain Shotover. The Captain seizes him by the collar: drags him to his feet: and leads him to the middle of the group, Hector falling back beside his wife to make way for them. Captain Shotover Turning him towards Ellie. Is that your daughter? He releases him. The Burglar Well, how do I know, Captain? You know the sort of life you and me has led. Any young lady of that age might be my daughter anywhere in the wide world, as you might say. Captain Shotover To Mazzini. You are not Billy Dunn. This is Billy Dunn. Why have you imposed on me? The Burglar Indignantly to Mazzini. Have you been giving yourself out to be me? You, that nigh blew my head off! Shooting yourself, in a manner of speaking! Mazzini My dear Captain Shotover, ever since I came into this house I have done hardly anything else but assure you that I am not