Troilus and Cressida

both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus! I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hoy-day! spirits and fires! Enter Hector, Troilus, Ajax, Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor, Menelaus, and Diomedes, with lights. Agamemnon We go wrong, we go wrong. Ajax

No, yonder ’tis;
There, where we see the lights.

Hector I trouble you. Ajax No, not a whit. Ulysses Here comes himself to guide you. Re-enter Achilles. Achilles Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all. Agamemnon

So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.

Hector Thanks and good night to the Greeks’ general. Menelaus Good night, my lord. Hector Good night, sweet lord Menelaus. Thersites Sweet draught: “sweet” quoth ’a! sweet sink, sweet sewer. Achilles

Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
That go or tarry.

Agamemnon Good night. Exeunt Agamemnon and Menelaus. Achilles

Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.

Diomedes

I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.

Hector Give me your hand. Ulysses

Aside to Troilus. Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent:
I’ll keep you company.

Troilus Sweet sir, you honour me. Hector And so, good night. Exit Diomedes; Ulysses and Troilus following. Achilles Come, come, enter my tent. Exeunt Achilles, Hector, Ajax, and Nestor. Thersites That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’ tent: I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets! Exit.

Scene II

The same. Before Calchas’ tent.

	Enter Diomedes.
Diomedes	What, are you up here, ho? speak.
Calchas	Within. Who calls?
Diomedes	Calchas, I think. Where’s your daughter?
Calchas	Within. She comes to you.
	Enter Troilus and Ulysses, at a distance; after them, Thersites.
Ulysses	Stand where the torch may not discover us.
	Enter Cressida.
Troilus	Cressid comes forth to him.
Diomedes	How now, my charge!
Cressida	Now, my sweet guardian! Hark, a word with you. Whispers.
Troilus	Yea, so familiar!
Ulysses	She will sing any man at first sight.
Thersites	And any man may sing her, if he can take her cliff; she’s noted.
Diomedes	Will you remember?
Cressida	Remember! yes.
Diomedes	Nay, but do, then; And let your mind be coupled with your words.
Troilus	What should she remember?
Ulysses	List.
Cressida	Sweet honey Greek, tempt me no more to folly.
Thersites	Roguery!
Diomedes	Nay, then⁠—
Cressida	I’ll tell you what⁠—
Diomedes	Foh, foh! come, tell a pin: you are forsworn.
Cressida	In faith, I cannot: what would you have me do?
Thersites	A juggling trick⁠—to be secretly open.
Diomedes	What did you swear you would bestow on me?
Cressida	I prithee, do not hold me to mine oath; Bid me do any thing but that, sweet Greek.
Diomedes	Good night.
Troilus	Hold, patience!
Ulysses	How now, Trojan!
Cressida	Diomed⁠—
Diomedes	No, no, good night: I’ll be your fool no more.
Troilus	Thy better must.
Cressida	Hark, one word in your ear.
Troilus	O plague and madness!
Ulysses	You are moved, prince; let us depart, I pray you, Lest your displeasure should enlarge itself To wrathful terms: this place is dangerous; The time right deadly; I beseech you, go.
Troilus	Behold, I pray you!
Ulysses	Nay, good my lord, go off: You flow to great distraction; come, my lord.
Troilus	I pray thee, stay.
Ulysses	You have not patience; come.
Troilus	I pray you, stay; by hell and all hell’s torments, I will not speak a word!
Diomedes	And so, good night.
Cressida	Nay, but you part in anger.
Troilus	Doth that grieve thee? O wither’d truth!
Ulysses	Why, how now, lord!
Troilus	By Jove, I will be patient.
Cressida	Guardian!⁠—why, Greek!
Diomedes	Foh, foh! adieu; you palter.
Cressida	In faith, I do not: come hither once again.
Ulysses	You shake, my lord, at something: will you go? You will break out.
Troilus	She strokes his cheek!
Ulysses	Come, come.
Troilus	Nay, stay; by Jove, I will not speak a word: There is between my will and all offences A guard of patience: stay a little while.
Thersites	How the devil Luxury, with his fat rump and potato-finger, tickles these together! Fry, lechery, fry!
Diomedes	But will you, then?
Cressida	In faith, I will, la; never trust me else.
Diomedes	Give me some token for the surety of it.
Cressida	I’ll fetch you one. Exit.
Ulysses	You have sworn patience.
Troilus	Fear me not, sweet lord; I will not be myself, nor have cognition Of what I feel: I am all patience.
	Re-enter Cressida.
Thersites	Now the pledge; now, now, now!
Cressida	Here, Diomed, keep this sleeve.
Troilus	O beauty! where is thy faith?
Ulysses	My lord⁠—
Troilus	I will be patient; outwardly I will.
Cressida	You look upon that sleeve; behold it well. He loved me⁠—O false wench!⁠—Give’t me again.
Diomedes	Whose was’t?
Cressida	It is no matter, now I have’t again. I will not meet with you to-morrow night: I prithee, Diomed, visit me no more.
Thersites	Now she sharpens: well said, whetstone!
Diomedes	I shall have it.
Cressida	What, this?
Diomedes	Ay, that.
Cressida	O, all you gods! O pretty, pretty pledge! Thy master now lies thinking in his bed Of thee and me, and sighs, and takes my glove, And gives memorial dainty kisses to it, As I kiss thee. Nay, do not snatch it from me; He that takes that doth take my heart withal.
Diomedes	I had your heart before, this follows it.
Troilus	I did swear patience.
Cressida	You shall not have it, Diomed; faith, you shall not; I’ll give you something else.
Diomedes	I will have this: whose was it?