Getting Married

guess why? The General I can understand when there is another. Lesbia Yes; but there isn’t another. Besides, do you suppose I think, at my time of life, that the difference between one decent sort of man and another is worth bothering about? The General The heart has its preferences, Lesbia. One image, and one only, gets indelibly⁠— Lesbia Yes. Excuse my interrupting you so often; but your sentiments are so correct that I always know what you are going to say before you finish. You see, Boxer, everybody is not like you. You are a sentimental noodle: you don’t see women as they really are. You don’t see me as I really am. Now I do see men as they really are. I see you as you really are. The General Murmuring. No: don’t say that, Lesbia. Lesbia I’m a regular old maid. I’m very particular about my belongings. I like to have my own house, and to have it to myself. I have a very keen sense of beauty and fitness and cleanliness and order. I am proud of my independence and jealous for it. I have a sufficiently well-stocked mind to be very good company for myself if I have plenty of books and music. The one thing I never could stand is a great lout of a man smoking all over my house and going to sleep in his chair after dinner, and untidying everything. Ugh! The General But love⁠— Lesbia Oh, love! Have you no imagination? Do you think I have never been in love with wonderful men? heroes! archangels! princes! sages! even fascinating rascals! and had the strangest adventures with them? Do you know what it is to look at a mere real man after that? a man with his boots in every corner, and the smell of his tobacco in every curtain? The General Somewhat dazed. Well but⁠—excuse my mentioning it⁠—don’t you want children? Lesbia I ought to have children. I should be a good mother to children. I believe it would pay the country very well to pay me very well to have children. But the country tells me that I can’t have a child in my house without a man in it too; so I tell the country that it will have to do without my children. If I am to be a mother, I really cannot have a man bothering me to be a wife at the same time. The General My dear Lesbia: you know I don’t wish to be impertinent; but these are not the correct views for an English lady to express. Lesbia That is why I don’t express them, except to gentlemen who won’t take any other answer. The difficulty, you see, is that I really am an English lady, and am particularly proud of being one. The General I’m sure of that, Lesbia: quite sure of it. I never meant⁠— Lesbia Rising impatiently. Oh, my dear Boxer, do please try to think of something else than whether you have offended me, and whether you are doing the correct thing as an English gentleman. You are faultless, and very dull. She shakes her shoulders intolerantly and walks across to the other side of the kitchen. The General Moodily. Ha! that’s what’s the matter with me. Not clever. A poor silly soldier man. Lesbia The whole matter is very simple. As I say, I am an English lady, by which I mean that I have been trained to do without what I can’t have on honorable terms, no matter what it is. The General I really don’t understand you, Lesbia. Lesbia Turning on him. Then why on earth do you want to marry a woman you don’t understand? The General I don’t know. I suppose I love you. Lesbia Well, Boxer, you can love me as much as you like, provided you look happy about it and don’t bore me. But you can’t marry me; and that’s all about it. The General It’s so frightfully difficult to argue the matter fairly with you without wounding your delicacy by overstepping the bounds of good taste. But surely there are calls of nature⁠— Lesbia Don’t be ridiculous, Boxer. The General Well, how am I to express it? Hang it all, Lesbia, don’t you want a husband? Lesbia No. I want children; and I want to devote myself entirely to my children, and not to their father. The law will not allow me to do that; so I have made up my mind to have neither husband nor children. The General But, great Heavens, the natural appetites⁠— Lesbia As I said before, an English lady is not the slave of her appetites. That is what an English gentleman seems incapable of understanding. She sits down at the end of the table, near the study door. The General Huffily. Oh well, if you refuse, you refuse. I shall not ask you again. I’m sorry I returned to the subject. He retires to the hearth and plants himself there, wounded and lofty. Lesbia Don’t be cross, Boxer. The General I’m not cross, only wounded, Lesbia. And when you talk like that, I don’t feel convinced: I only feel utterly at a loss. Lesbia Well, you know our family rule. When at a loss consult the greengrocer. Opportunely Collins comes in through the tower. Here he is. Collins Sorry to be so much in and out, Miss. I thought Mrs. Bridgenorth was here. The table is ready now for the breakfast, if she would like to see it. Lesbia If you are satisfied, Collins, I am sure she will be. The General By the way, Collins: I thought they’d made you an alderman. Collins So they have, General. The General Then where’s your gown? Collins I don’t wear it in private life, General. The General Why? Are you ashamed of it? Collins No, General. To tell you the truth, I take a pride in it. I can’t help it. The General Attention, Collins. Come here. Collins comes to him. Do you see my uniform⁠—all my medals? Collins Yes, General. They strike the eye, as it were. The General They are meant