Getting Married

to. Very well. Now you know, don’t you, that your services to the community as a greengrocer are as important and as dignified as mine as a soldier? Collins I’m sure it’s very honorable of you to say so, General. The General Emphatically. You know also, don’t you, that any man who can see anything ridiculous, or unmanly, or unbecoming in your work or in your civic robes is not a gentleman, but a jumping, bounding, snorting cad? Collins Well, strictly between ourselves, that is my opinion, General. The General Then why not dignify my niece’s wedding by wearing your robes? Collins A bargain’s a bargain, General. Mrs. Bridgenorth sent for the greengrocer, not for the alderman. It’s just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less. The General I’m sure she will agree with me. I attach importance to this as an affirmation of solidarity in the service of the community. The Bishop’s apron, my uniform, your robes: the Church, the Army, and the Municipality. Collins Retiring. Very well, General. He turns dubiously to Lesbia on his way to the tower. I wonder what my wife will say, Miss? The General What! Is your, wife ashamed of your robes? Collins No, sir, not ashamed of them. But she grudged the money for them; and she will be afraid of my sleeves getting into the gravy. Mrs. Bridgenorth, her placidity quite upset, comes in with a letter; hurries past Collins; and comes between Lesbia and the General. Mrs. Bridgenorth Lesbia: Boxer: here’s a pretty mess! Collins goes out discreetly. The General What’s the matter? Mrs. Bridgenorth Reginald’s in London, and wants to come to the wedding. The General Stupended. Well, dash my buttons! Lesbia Oh, all right, let him come. The General Let him come! Why, the decree has not been made absolute yet. Is he to walk in here to Edith’s wedding, reeking from the Divorce Court? Mrs. Bridgenorth Vexedly sitting down in the middle chair. It’s too bad. No: I can’t forgive him, Lesbia, really. A man of Reginald’s age, with a young wife⁠—the best of girls, and as pretty as she can be⁠—to go off with a common woman from the streets! Ugh! Lesbia You must make allowances. What can you expect? Reginald was always weak. He was brought up to be weak. The family property was all mortgaged when he inherited it. He had to struggle along in constant money difficulties, hustled by his solicitors, morally bullied by the Barmecide, and physically bullied by Boxer, while they two were fighting their own way and getting well trained. You know very well he couldn’t afford to marry until the mortgages were cleared and he was over fifty. And then of course he made a fool of himself marrying a child like Leo. The General But to hit her! Absolutely to hit her! He knocked her down⁠—knocked her flat down on a flowerbed in the presence of his gardener. He! the head of the family! the man that stands before the Barmecide and myself as Bridgenorth of Bridgenorth! to beat his wife and go off with a low woman and be divorced for it in the face of all England! in the face of my uniform and Alfred’s apron! I can never forget what I felt: it was only the King’s personal request⁠—virtually a command⁠—that stopped me from resigning my commission. I’d cut Reginald dead if I met him in the street. Mrs. Bridgenorth Besides, Leo’s coming. They’d meet. It’s impossible, Lesbia. Lesbia Oh, I forgot that. That settles it. He mustn’t come. The General Of course he mustn’t. You tell him that if he enters this house, I’ll leave it; and so will every decent man and woman in it. Collins Returning for a moment to announce. Mr. Reginald, ma’am. He withdraws when Reginald enters. The General Beside himself. Well, dash my buttons!! Reginald is just the man Lesbia has described. He is hardened and tough physically, and hasty and boyish in his manner and speech, belonging as he does to the large class of English gentlemen of property (solicitor-managed) who have never developed intellectually since their schooldays. He is a muddled, rebellious, hasty, untidy, forgetful, always late sort of man, who very evidently needs the care of a capable woman, and has never been lucky or attractive enough to get it. All the same, a likeable man, from whom nobody apprehends any malice nor expects any achievement. In everything but years he is younger than his brother the General. Reginald Coming forward between the General and Mrs. Bridgenorth. Alice: it’s no use. I can’t stay away from Edith’s wedding. Good morning, Lesbia. How are you, Boxer? He offers the General his hand. The General With crushing stiffness. I was just telling Alice, sir, that if you entered this house, I should leave it. Reginald Well, don’t let me detain you, old chap. When you start calling people Sir, you’re not particularly good company. Lesbia Don’t you begin to quarrel. That won’t improve the situation. Mrs. Bridgenorth I think you might have waited until you got my answer, Rejjy. Reginald It’s so jolly easy to say No in a letter. Won’t you let me stay? Mrs. Bridgenorth How can I? Leo’s coming. Reginald Well, she won’t mind. The General Won’t mind!!!! Lesbia Don’t talk nonsense, Rejjy; and be off with you. The General With biting sarcasm. At school you lead a theory that women liked being knocked down, I remember. Reginald You’re a nice, chivalrous, brotherly sort of swine, you are. The General Mr. Bridgenorth: are you going to leave this house or am I? Reginald You are, I hope. He emphasizes his intention to stay by sitting down. The General Alice: will you allow me to be driven from Edith’s wedding by this⁠— Lesbia Warningly. Boxer! The General —by this Respondent? Is Edith to be given away by him? Mrs. Bridgenorth Certainly not. Reginald: you were not asked to come; and I have asked you to go. You know how fond I am of Leo;