The Inspector General

in your mouth makes you whistle. I know what I’m saying. “That young man,” he said, “is an official.”⁠—Yes, sir.⁠—“On his way from St. Petersburg. And his name,” he said, “is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, and he’s going,” he said “to the government of Saratov,” he said. “And he acts so queerly. It’s the second week he’s been here and he’s never left the house; and he won’t pay a penny, takes everything on account.” When Vlas told me that, a light dawned on me from above, and I said to Piotr Ivanovich, “Hey!”⁠— Dobchinsky No, Piotr Ivanovich, I said “Hey!” Bobchinsky Well first you said it, then I did. “Hey!” said both of us, “And why does he stick here if he’s going to Saratov?”⁠—Yes, sir, that’s he, the official. Governor Who? What official? Bobchinsky Why, the official who you were notified was coming, the Inspector. Governor Terrified. Great God! What’s that you’re saying. It can’t be he. Dobchinsky It is, though. Why, he doesn’t pay his bills and he doesn’t leave. Who else can it be? And his postchaise is ordered for Saratov. Bobchinsky It’s he, it’s he, it’s he⁠—why, he’s so alert, he scrutinized everything. He saw that Dobchinsky and I were eating salmon⁠—chiefly on account of Dobchinsky’s stomach⁠—and he looked at our plates so hard that I was frightened to death. Governor The Lord have mercy on us sinners! In what room is he staying? Dobchinsky Room number 5 near the stairway. Bobchinsky In the same room that the officers quarreled in when they passed through here last year. Governor How long has he been here? Dobchinsky Two weeks. He came on St. Vasili’s day. Governor Two weeks! Aside. Holy Fathers and saints preserve me! In those two weeks I have flogged the wife of a noncommissioned officer, the prisoners were not given their rations, the streets are dirty as a pothouse⁠—a scandal, a disgrace! Clutches his head with both hands. Artemy What do you think, Anton Antonovich, hadn’t we better go in state to the inn? Ammos No, no. First send the chief magistrate, then the clergy, then the merchants. That’s what it says in the book. The Acts of John the Freemason. Governor No, no, leave it to me. I have been in difficult situations before now. They have passed off all right, and I was even rewarded with thanks. Maybe the Lord will help us out this time, too. Turns to Bobchinsky. You say he’s a young man? Bobchinsky Yes, about twenty-three or four at the most. Governor So much the better. It’s easier to pump things out of a young man. It’s tough if you’ve got a hardened old devil to deal with. But a young man is all on the surface. You, gentlemen, had better see to your end of things while I go unofficially, by myself, or with Dobchinsky here, as though for a walk, to see that the visitors that come to town are properly accommodated. Here, Svistunov. To one of the Sergeants. Svistunov Sir. Governor Go instantly to the Police Captain⁠—or, no, I’ll want you. Tell somebody to send him here as quickly as possibly and then come back. Svistunov hurries off. Artemy Let’s go, let’s go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We may really get into trouble. Ammos What have you got to be afraid of? Put clean nightcaps on the patients and the thing’s done. Artemy Nightcaps! Nonsense! The patients were ordered to have oatmeal soup. Instead of that there’s such a smell of cabbage in all the corridors that you’ve got to hold your nose. Ammos Well, my mind’s at ease. Who’s going to visit the court? Supposing he does look at the papers, he’ll wish he had left them alone. I have been on the bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a report, I despair. King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell what is true and what is not true in it. The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and Postmaster go out and bump up against the Sergeant in the doorway as the latter returns.

Scene IV

The Governor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky, and Sergeant Svistunov.

Governor	Well, is the cab ready?
Svistunov	Yes, sir.
Governor	Go out on the street⁠—or, no, stop⁠—go and bring⁠—why, where are the others? Why are you alone? Didn’t I give orders for Prokhorov to be here? Where is Prokhorov?
Svistunov	Prokhorov is in somebody’s house and can’t go on duty just now.
Governor	Why so?
Svistunov	Well, they brought him back this morning dead drunk. They poured two buckets of water over him, but he hasn’t sobered up yet.
Governor	Clutching his head with both hands. For Heaven’s sake! Go out on duty quick⁠—or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, To Dobchinsky. come.
Bobchinsky	And me⁠—me, too. Let me come, too, Anton Antonovich.
Governor	No, no, Bobchinsky, it won’t do. Besides there is not enough room in the cab.
Bobchinsky	Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll follow the cab on foot⁠—on foot. I just want to peep through a crack⁠—so⁠—to see that manner of his⁠—how he acts.
Governor	Turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword. Be off and get the policemen together. Let them each take a⁠—there, see how scratched my sword is. It’s that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the Governor’s sword is old and doesn’t provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers! I’ll bet they’ve got their petitions against me ready in their coattail pockets.⁠—Let each take a street in his hand⁠—I don’t mean a street⁠—a broom⁠—and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it clean, and⁠—do you hear? And see here, I know you, I know your tricks. You insinuate yourselves into the inn and walk off with silver spoons in your boots. Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of cloth for your uniform and you