Hay Fever

elder sister. Simon It wouldn’t have been any use. Everyone knows we’re your son and daughter. Judith Only because I was stupid enough to dandle you about in front of cameras when you were little. I knew I should regret it. Simon I don’t see any point in trying to be younger than you are. Judith At your age, dear, it would be indecent if you did. Sorel But, Mother darling, don’t you see, it’s awfully undignified for you to go flaunting about with young men? Judith I don’t flaunt about⁠—I never have. I’ve been morally an extremely nice woman all my life⁠—more or less⁠—and if dabbling gives me pleasure, I don’t see why I shouldn’t dabble. Sorel But it oughtn’t to give you pleasure any more. Judith You know, Sorel, you grow more damnably feminine every day. I wish I’d brought you up differently. Sorel I’m proud of being feminine. Judith Kissing her. You’re a darling, and I adore you; and you’re very pretty, and I’m madly jealous of you. Sorel With her arms round her. Are you really? How lovely. Judith You will be nice to Sandy, won’t you? Sorel Breaking away. Can’t he sleep in “Little Hell”? Judith My dear, he’s frightfully athletic, and all those hot-water pipes will sap his vitality. Sorel They’ll sap Richard’s vitality too. Judith He won’t notice them; he’s probably used to scorching tropical Embassies with punkahs waving and everything. Simon He’s sure to be deadly, anyhow. Sorel You’re getting far too blasé and exclusive, Simon. Simon Nothing of the sort. Only I loathe being hearty with your men friends. Sorel You’ve never been even civil to any of my friends, men or women. Judith Don’t bicker. Simon Anyhow, the Japanese room’s a woman’s room, and a woman ought to have it. Judith I promised it to Sandy⁠—he loves anything Japanese. Simon So does Myra. Judith Myra! Simon Myra Arundel. I’ve asked her down. Judith You’ve⁠—what? Simon I’ve asked Myra down for the weekend⁠—she’s awfully amusing. Sorel Well, all I can say is, it’s beastly of you. You might have warned me. What on earth will Richard say? Simon Something exquisitely noncommittal, I expect. Judith This is too much! Do you mean to tell me, Simon⁠— Simon Firmly. Yes, Mother, I do. I’ve asked Myra down, and I have a perfect right to. You’ve always brought us up to be free about things. Judith Myra Arundel is straining freedom to its utmost limits. Simon Don’t you like her? Judith No, dear, I detest her. She’s far too old for you, and she goes about using Sex as a sort of shrimping net. Simon Really, Mother⁠—! Judith It’s no use being cross. You know perfectly well I dislike her, and that’s why you never told me she was coming until too late to stop her. It’s intolerable of you. Sorel Grandly. Whether she’s here or not is a matter of extreme indifference to me, but I’m afraid Richard won’t like her very much. Simon You’re afraid he’ll like her too much. Sorel That was an offensive remark, Simon, and rather silly. Judith Plaintively. Why on earth don’t you fall in love with nice young girls, instead of self-conscious vampires? Simon She’s not a vampire, and I never said I was in love with her. Sorel He’s crazy about her. She butters him up and admires his sketches. Simon What about you picking up old gentlemen at dances? Sorel Furiously. He’s not old! Judith You’ve both upset me thoroughly. I wanted a nice, restful weekend, with moments of Sandy’s ingenuous affection to warm the cockles of my heart when I felt in the mood, and now the house is going to be full of discord⁠—not enough food, everyone fighting for the bath⁠—perfect agony! I wish I were dead! Simon You needn’t worry about Myra and me. We shall keep out of everyone’s way. Sorel I shall take Richard on the river all day tomorrow. Judith In what? Sorel The punt. Judith I absolutely forbid you to go near the punt. Simon It’s sure to rain, anyhow. Judith What your father will say I tremble to think. He needs complete quiet to finish off The Sinful Woman. Sorel I see no reason for there to be any noise, unless Sandy What’s-his-name is given to shouting. Judith If you’re rude to Sandy I shall be extremely angry. Sorel Now, look here, Mother⁠— Simon Why you should expect⁠— Judith He’s coming all the way down specially to be nice to me⁠— Enter David downstairs. He looks slightly irritable. David Why are you all making such a noise? Judith I think I’m going mad. David Why hasn’t Clara brought me my tea? Judith I don’t know. David Where is Clara? Judith Do stop firing questions at me, David. David Why are you all so irritable? What’s happened? Enter Clara, with a tray of tea for one. Clara Here’s your tea. I’m sorry I’m late with it. Amy forgot to put the kettle on⁠—she’s got terrible toothache. David Poor girl! Give her some oil of cloves. Sorel If anyone else mentions oil of cloves, I shall do something desperate. David It’s wonderful stuff. Where’s Zoe? Simon She was in the garden this morning. David I suppose no one thought of giving her any lunch? Clara I put it down by the kitchen table as usual, but she never came in for it. Sorel She’s probably mousing. David She isn’t old enough yet. She might have fallen into the river, for all you care. I think it’s a shame! Clara Don’t you worry your head⁠—Zoe won’t come to any harm; she’s too wily. David I don’t want to be disturbed. He takes his tray and goes upstairs; then he turns. Listen, Simon. There’s a perfectly sweet flapper coming down by the four-thirty. Will you go and meet her and be nice to her? She’s an abject fool, but a useful type, and I want to study her a little in domestic surroundings. She can sleep in the Japanese room. He goes off, leaving behind him a deathly silence. Judith I should like someone to play something very beautiful to me on the piano. Simon Damn everything! Damn! Damn! Damn! Sorel Swearing doesn’t help. Simon It helps me a lot. Sorel What does Father mean by going on like that? Judith In view of the imminent reception, you’d better