Hay Fever

go and shave, Simon. Sorel Bursting into tears of rage. It’s perfectly beastly! Whenever I make any sort of plan about anything it’s always done in by someone. I wish I were earning my own living somewhere⁠—a free agent⁠—able to do whatever I liked without being cluttered up and frustrated by the family⁠— Judith Picturesquely. It grieves me to hear you say that, Sorel. Sorel Don’t be infuriating, Mother. Judith Sadly. A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts! Simon This is going to be the blackest Saturday till Monday we’ve ever spent. Judith Tenderly. Sorel, you mustn’t cry. Sorel Don’t sympathise with me; it’s only temper. Judith Clasping her. Put your head on my shoulder, dear. Simon Bitterly. Your head like the golden fleece.⁠ ⁠… Sorel Richard’ll have to have “Little Hell” and that horrible flapper the Japanese room. Judith Over my dead body! Simon Mother, what are we to do? Judith Drawing him forcibly into her arms so that there is a charming little motherly picture. We must all be very, very kind to everyone! Simon Now then, Mother, none of that! Judith Aggrieved. I don’t know what you mean, Simon. Simon You were being beautiful and sad. Judith But I am beautiful and sad. Simon You’re not particularly beautiful, darling, and you never were. Judith Glancing at herself in the glass. Never mind; I made thousands think I was. Simon And as for being sad⁠— Judith Now, Simon, I will not be dictated to like this. If I say I’m sad, I am sad. You don’t understand, because you’re precocious and tiresome.⁠ ⁠… There comes a time in all women’s lives⁠— Sorel Oh dear! Judith What did you say, Sorel? Sorel Recovering. I said, “Oh dear!” Judith Well, please don’t say it again, because it annoys me. Sorel You’re such a lovely hypocrite. Judith Casting up her eyes. I’m sure I don’t know what I’ve done to be cursed with such ungrateful children. It’s very cruel at my time of life⁠— Simon There you go again! Judith Inconsequently. You’re getting far too tall, Sorel. Sorel Sorry, Mother. Judith Give me another of those disgusting cigarettes⁠—I don’t know where they came from. Simon Giving her one. Here. He lights it for her. Judith I’m going to forget entirely about all these dreadful people arriving. My mind henceforward shall be a blank on the subject. Sorel It’s all very fine, Mother, but⁠— Judith I made a great decision this morning. Simon What kind of decision? Judith It’s a secret. Sorel Aren’t you going to tell us? Judith Of course. I meant it was a secret from your father. Simon What is it? Judith I’m going back to the stage. Simon I knew it! Judith I’m stagnating, you see. I won’t stagnate as long as there’s breath left in my body. Sorel Do you think it’s wise? You retired so very finally last year. What excuse will you give for returning so soon? Judith My public, dear⁠—letters from my public! Simon Have you had any? Judith One or two. That’s what decided me, really⁠—I ought to have had hundreds. Sorel We’ll write some lovely ones, and you can publish them in the papers. Judith Of course. Sorel You will be dignified about it all, won’t you, darling? Judith I’m much more dignified on the stage than in the country⁠—it’s my milieu. I’ve tried terribly hard to be “landed gentry,” but without any real success. I long for excitement and glamour. Think of the thrill of a first night; all those ardent playgoers willing one to succeed; the critics all leaning forward with glowing faces, receptive and exultant⁠—emitting queer little inarticulate noises as some witty line tickles their fancy. The satisfied grunt of the Daily Mail, the abandoned gurgle of the Sunday Times, and the shrill, enthusiastic scream of the Daily Express! I can distinguish them all⁠— Simon Have you got a play? Judith I think I shall revive Love’s Whirlwind. Sorel Collapsing on to sofa. Oh, Mother! She gurgles with laughter. Simon Weakly. Father will be furious. Judith I can’t help that. Sorel It’s such a fearful play. Judith It’s a marvellous part. You mustn’t say too much against it, Sorel. I’m willing to laugh at it a little myself, but, after all, it was one of my greatest successes. Simon Oh, it’s appalling⁠—but I love it. It makes me laugh. Judith The public love it too, and it doesn’t make them laugh⁠—much. She recites. “You are a fool, a blind, pitiable fool. You think because you have bought my body that you have bought my soul!” You must say that’s dramatic.⁠—“I’ve dreamed of love like this, but I never realised, I never knew how beautiful it could be in reality!” That line always brought a tear to my eye. Simon The second act is the best, there’s no doubt about that. Judith From the moment Victor comes in it’s strong⁠—tremendously strong.⁠ ⁠… Be Victor a minute, Sorel⁠— Sorel Do you mean when he comes in at the end of the act? Judith Yes, you know⁠—“Is this a game?” Sorel With feeling. “Is this a game?” Judith With spirit. “Yes⁠—and a game that must be played to the finish.” Simon “Zara, what does this mean?” Judith “So many illusions shattered⁠—so many dreams trodden in the dust!” Sorel I’m George now⁠—“I don’t understand! You and Victor⁠—My God!” Judith “Sssh! Isn’t that little Pam crying?” Simon Savagely. “She’ll cry more, poor mite, when she realises her mother is a⁠—” Judith Shrieking. “Don’t say it⁠—don’t say it!” Sorel “Spare her that.” Judith “I’ve given you all that makes life worth living⁠—my youth, my womanhood, and now my child. Would you tear the very heart out of me? I tell you that it’s infamous that men like you should be allowed to pollute society. You have ruined my life⁠—I have nothing left⁠—nothing. God in heaven, where am I to turn for help.⁠ ⁠…” Sorel Through clenched teeth. “Is this true? Answer me⁠—is this true?” Judith Wailing. “Yes, yes!” Sorel Springing at Simon. “You cur!” The front door bell rings. Judith Damn! There’s the bell. Sorel Rushing to the glass. I look hideous! Simon Yes,