Is that any way to speak to your mother, I would like to know? I KNOW you think you’re in love with Holly.
And I will admit she is a very nice girl.
But I don’t think she’s the RIGHT girl for you, Mark. You two come from two different worlds. Don’t get me wrong, I completely appreciate the Italian heritage. They brought so many important things to the world, such as pasta and that nice Mario Batali from the Food Channel.
But what kind of future do you and Holly have together? What religion would you raise your children? Are you going to have a Christmas tree? You know the Di Marcos down the street have an entire holy manger scene in their front yard every year, made from cut-out pieces of plywood. Is that what you want, Mark? The baby Jesus in your front yard? Are you trying to kill me?
I’m just saying, I’m sure Susie Schramm has grown into a very interesting, vibrant girl. Why don’t you see her, just for lunch? What could one lunch hurt? You have a little lunch, catch up on old times… who knows where it could lead?
Call me, Markie. I’m worried about you. Really.
Mom
___________________________________________
To: Holly Caputo <[email protected]>
Fr: Darrin Caputo <[email protected]>
Re: Hello, it is your mother
I am using your brother’s email to write this to you. Your father says I should not, that you are an adult and I should let you lead your own life, like your brothers.
But all of your brothers found nice Italian girls—except for Frankie with that stripper. But even she is a good Christian, when she is not taking her clothes off for money.
Even Darrin, even HE found a nice Italian boy. Bobby came over for dinner last night and finished up ALL my chicken parmigiani. Such a good appetite.
I don’t understand why you cannot do the same as your brothers. What is so wrong with finding a nice Italian boy to settle down with? Even a Polish boy would be all right, if he were Catholic. Why do you have to be with this Mark? He is a very nice boy, but he is not Catholic. What does he know about anything?
I am asking you to think about what you are doing with your life. People are starting to think things about you and this Mark. I saw Jane Harris’s mother in the grocery store, and she was talking like you and Mark are getting married. If you are not careful, other people will begin to think the same, and eventually word will spread to Father Roberto, and then how will I be able to hold my head up at Mass on Sunday?
Think about your life, Holly. Do the right thing.
Mom
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon <[email protected]>
Fr: Graziella Fratiani <[email protected]>
Re: Yesterday
It was so lovely to be seeing you yesterday afternoon. You are a twenty-first-century man, not like these Italian boys I constantly meet. You know, still living with Mama, and expect all women to cook and clean for them. It’s nice to be with a man who washes his own socks.
Did I tell you, I’m between shows at the moment, so I can take a little time off from the gallery. Might I to be joining you at your little villa later in the week? I think I can—“rough it”? Let me know.
Grazi
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris <[email protected]>
Fr: Julio Chasez <[email protected]>
Re: The Dude
Hey, Ms. Harris. I got your messages. Just wanted to let you know your cat is fine. Really.
And no, I haven’t had to use the oven mitts yet. And yeah, he ate all his salmon pate. And the Tender Vittles. And the Science Diet. And the Fancy Feast. And the Sheba. And he tried to gnaw through a box of Girl Scout cookies you left on the counter, but I took it away before he could.
Also, he chewed a hole through your sofa. But I guess you knew that. And he took a pretty big chunk out of my thumb when I caught him eating a tube of your toothpaste and tried to take it away. But the doctor says I’ll be fine. I guess cats have cleaner spit than humans or dogs or something.
Hope you’re having a nice trip.
Julio
___________________________________________
To: Julio Chasez <[email protected]>
Fr: Jane Harris <[email protected]>
Re: The Dude
Oh, my God, I’m so sorry about your thumb! PLEASE save your doctor’s bills so I can reimburse you when I get back!
You are the BEST!!! I cannot thank you enough for taking such good care of him!
Yes, I know about the sofa. It’s okay, really.
THANK YOU!!!! I’ll see you in a week!
Love,
Jane
Travel Diary of Jane Harris
Travel Diary of
Jane Harris
It’s actually kind of hard to write this with the suitcase wedged onto the seat between me and Holly, but it’s better than trying to make conversation, because everyone seems to be in a bad mood since we all checked our Blackberries after lunch. Well, except for me. Since Julio says The Dude is fine!
I’ll have to make sure I reimburse Julio for his medical expenses, of course. But just knowing that Dude was in a good-enough mood to bite him must mean he’s not missing me too much.
I don’t know what’s eating everybody else in this car….
Well, I sort of do. It turns out Mark, who was supposed to be the one in charge of bringing CDs to listen to in the car, forgot. So the only thing we have to listen to is Italian radio (Hello. You do not know what disturbing is until you’ve heard Italian rap) or the Queen CD Cal happened to have in his backpack.
Yes. Queen.
I have now heard “Fat-Bottomed Girls” twelve times. Holly joked that it’s going to be her and Mark’s wedding theme song.
Thank God Mark pulled over when we got to the foot of the mountains and let Cal take over. You never saw
