Totems and things
THREE WEEKS EARLIER – FRIDAY AGAIN
I can hear voices, the female’s voice tears at me like sandpaper, while the males’ soothes like silk. I’m confused, where am I? A deer speeds past, followed by other animals and I can feel their fear. I can see someone in the woods. She is lying on the floor, her body covered in earth and leaves. Her heart-shaped face stares up at me. Sad, sea-green eyes well up with tears and I know she is in pain, I can feel it. I have a recollection of words, a hidden memory and know that I need to speak, but my mind is frozen. I try to cry out, but she is disappearing, buried alive beneath the earth. I wake up pawing the air, gasping for breath.
I had managed to steer clear of everyone, last week. I even cancelled Sunday lunch with Amber by text, feigning another headache, feigning a migraine. I’m still struggling to understand what was happening with Hawk. I couldn’t deal with her asking me about it. I promised myself I’d make it up to her, just not yet. I didn’t sit under the tree at break but in the library. Amber tried to catch my attention, but I pretended to bury myself in my work.
Mr Harris, our English teacher, was describing the symbolic nature of dreams in ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. It was one of my favourites. Nymphs and the woodland creatures felt so real to me.
‘Does anyone believe in dreams?’
Hands shoot up, and I think of my own dreams. Lately, they were getting more intense.
‘Jay has dreams all the time and sometimes he finds them on his sheets.’ Paul laughed and the class burst into laughter. Mr Harris turned a dark shade of purple.
‘Mmm…I’ll ignore that. Nevaeh? Do you think dreams can represent reality?'
The room was silent, and I felt my face become hot.
‘I suppose that if we have worries they change shape and become symbolic. It’s our way of working out our dreams – where rational things are interwoven with the irrational.’ My voice is shaky and the obvious silence around me makes me uncomfortable. I knew I had broken the cool code and answered like a complete geek. I can’t help it, dreams are my thing now.
‘Jeesuz, Nevaeh…’ Amber sounded shocked, and the reaction was echoed by the class. I felt like my cheeks were going to burn up. Jay and Paul giggle nearby repeating the only word they understood – interwoven.
‘Its all interwoven, like this…’ Paul mocked, pronouncing each word. I don’t look, but whatever he was doing it made everyone laugh. I bent my head down, pulling my hair over my face.
‘Alright class settle down. A real answer for once, nicely done, Nevaeh. Meanwhile, the rest of you can write on essay on dreams and their symbolism. Perhaps…’ he repeated, shouting over the uproar. ‘Perhaps, some of you might learn something.
I couldn’t wait to get home. Although they didn’t say anything, I knew everyone blamed me. Finals were just round the corner and now they had extra homework. I heard Amber turn on a few of them, and for the first time, I was grateful to Amber and guilty for ignoring her. I just wish I had kept quiet. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Last night’s dreams were too real, like my earth dreams. I always came back with something. This morning my nails were broken, and clogged with dirt. I inhaled the fresh air, glad it’s Friday. It was exhausting running away from everyone.
Amber caught up with me outside of school and her heavy breathing reminded me of that night.
I almost felt sorry for her again but stopped myself.
‘You wanna do something this weekend?’ She breathed and before I could say anything, she held up her hands for me to stop.
‘Nevaeh, did we do anything wrong…?’ she paused; a fleeting look of worry crossed her face.’
‘Or did Hawk, y’know, when he walked you home. If he did, he’ll regret it...’
She let the threat hang, and I wanted to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about, but blushing and shaking my head was the best I could do. Amber’s face transformed into a look of astonishment.
‘What happened? Tell me everything.’ She stepped closer and I hovered my foot behind me before leaning backwards; I hate crowding. I told her what she wanted to know, from the cyclist to the door, nothing else, especially about knowing me.
‘Did he say anything?’ I blurted, annoyed that I’d fallen into her trap of asking questions. I wanted to pull the words back the moment I said them. I felt even worse when I saw the glint in her eye. ‘Maybe,’ she said tilting her head mysteriously. I felt irritated, she reminded me a little of Jo-Jo, always holding back, just a little. I turned to leave.
‘Hey, I’m only joking - yes, he asked about you when you didn’t go to our last meeting. Even though you promised me you would go.’ I felt guilt rush through me. I was starting to get the feeling that Amber didn’t feel like she was part of anything, and was more of an outsider.
‘I’m sorry; I’ll go to the next one – okay?’
Amber smiled, her red lipstick, spreading comically across her face. I wanted to tell her that some of the red stain was on her teeth, but we weren’t that close.
I was still puzzling over what he said when I got home.
By the time I had grabbed a sandwich and headed to my room Amber had already sent me a text. I shook my head in disbelief - she wanted to know if I could attend a meeting tonight. I tried to say no, but she begged me. Apparently to get to the next level, whatever that was, she had to introduce someone and that someone was me. But I had to go for one month.
‘It’s only one month,’ she complained. One month felt like forever and I wished I’d never mentioned going to the next meeting. I wanted to see Hawk and yet I didn’t. I couldn’t make up my mind. My life seemed so complicated, and the thought of seeing him again so soon made my stomach knot. I didn’t know how to feel or act.
Standing outside of her house tonight, I could feel the tension returning and a hundred excuses flooded
