through me, some of them were ridiculous. This wasn’t me, I reasoned to myself. I was happy with one friend -Jo- Jo. I didn’t like socialising, preferring to spend time in the woods. Amber pulled the door open and grinned wickedly. She seemed too pleased to see me, and I felt underdressed in my white top and jacket and pale jeans. I stared at her, with her high heels and long black jacket and by the noise that drifted from inside, everyone was already there.
‘Don’t step in,’ a voice seemed to whisper. ‘Just turn and walk away.’ But I didn’t. It had already darkened outside, even though it was early evening. And when a sudden wind tore at my hair pulling and knotting it, it made my decision for me. I stepped inside quickly, brushing down my hair. Only then did I see the back of him. He seemed to be in mid conversation and the butterflies returned.
‘Look, all the candles have been lit. Caro brought these Chinese bag things, how great are they?’ Amber gushed. I tried to concentrate on the glowing brown bags that were littered along the hallway but it was difficult to focus.
Hawk turned slowly in my direction, the same dark intense eyes sweeping over me. From behind him, Andrea frowned slightly, before smiling. I never knew where I stood with her.
For a split second, it felt like everyone had vanished, when Hawk walked towards me. My legs turned to jelly and I held my breath as he bent to hug me.
‘Nevaeh, I’ve missed you,’ he whispered. His hand drifting to mine and I let him lead me towards the lounge. For that one moment, I felt like the most important person in the world and wondered why I had made such a big deal of this.
‘Are you ready to learn something different from school?’ Hawk asked and I stared up at him in confusion.
‘No meditation?’
He shook his head. ‘No meditation, not tonight. Tonight we relax as a group and get to know each other.’ I gave him a sideways glance, his meaning couldn’t be clearer.
Inside, there were more of the Chinese candle bags and loads of cushions thrown onto the floor. Amber had outdone herself this time. The cushions, I noticed were arranged in a messy circle. I watched how Andrea seemed to almost slide over the larger cushions while the twins curled up nearby. Not Amber; she missed one completely and for a moment everyone caught sight of her underwear under the skirt. They all giggled including me and when the slow mumble of talking rose, I felt my body relax. If only they had done this before. I suppose it was the way he held my hand or plumped up a large cushion for both of us to sit on. I felt protected and the anxiety fell away.
Everyone seemed to be talking to someone, and the atmosphere, for once, felt normal. I took a drink that was offered, pleased it wasn’t anything alcoholic. I can’t drink, never have been able to. I tried once with Jo-Jo and one sip made me ill for hours.
'What do you think your totem is?' Hawk asked his voice soft. I turned to him just as he brushed a curl from his eyes, the movement and question seemed so intimate that I blushed.
'er...Totem?'
Amber giggled. Even from across the room with the twins, she was openly listening until Hawk frowned at her. Behind her, I noticed how the wind had picked up outside. A small branch from a silver birch, scraped at the window like it was trying to get in. Tidwell was surrounded by silver birches - they grew like weeds, around the houses, and weren’t allowed to be cut down without permission.
‘Hey, you okay?’
I nodded, reddening. ‘oh yes, totem.’ I muttered. It was so easy to get distracted. Hawk shifted on the cushion, cupping both of my hands in his. I wanted to push the hair away from his eyes again but knew I wouldn’t, not yet. He smiled, pushing it to the side.
'A totem could be anything, from the four elements, of fire, water, air and earth to the animals. It’s similar to horoscopes in a way. We believe that everyone was born with a totem that mimicked their personality. Later, when you connect with your totem, you connect fully with Gaia, mother nature.’ He smiled and even though I was looking at him blankly, I was mesmerised.
‘Mine is the Hawk, look,’ he added softly. I shivered. I had already seen it, admired it in my dreams and even kissed it. He chuckled then, looking away, and I wondered who he was laughing at.
‘What do you think my totem is?’ I whispered.
He stared at me with those strange intense eyes of his and I felt my heart rate increase.
‘Well, you’re fiery, passionate, but as far as an animal guide to go with the elements? Not sure.’ He shook his head, puzzled. My eyes darted to the branch outside; it was almost tapping an S.O.S. warning in time with my heart. I suddenly felt nervous, uncertain and wished I knew why.
At that moment, I even wondered how I was falling for a guy who believed he was connected to an animal. I’m usually put off guys so easily; lisps, stutters, wonky eyes but this was another level completely.
I looked at Amber who had moved slightly behind his range of sight. She was rolling her eyes before hugging herself and making kissing noises. I tried to smile, but this was serious, whatever was happening here was the real thing. I’d read about the one true love and all of that, but I didn’t expect to feel this way so quickly. Hawk seemed oblivious to what was happening, and I almost shouted my relief when Andrea pulled her away. She was definitely the wild card in the group and reminded me of an unruly child. Hawk shifted again, he was close, close enough to feel his body heat.
‘So what do you think is yours, think about it, what is the first animal or element that pops into your mind.’
Why is he asking me all these questions? I don’t want to talk about totems; I want to talk about us. I stop myself, and it takes me a few seconds to realise that he’s still waiting for an answer. I tell myself to think of something, anything before it becomes awkward. The branch is making me anxious.
‘Nevaeh?’ I pull my eyes away from the window.
'It must mean different things to different people, right? Maybe I don’t have one.'
My voice sounds odd, like it hasn’t been used for a long time, and there’s a catch in the back of my throat
