Nice job on the infodump scene, Blake. I agree it needs to be smoothed out—it’s too on the nose.
Can I take a crack at it?
Joe
• • •
You’re right, Paul, it was political and gratuitous. I thought it spoke to her character. But I’ll cut it. What’s another group of people I can call stupid that won’t annoy fans that Jenny would dislike?
The Klan? The Taliban?
As for the Randall drinking thing, good catch. I think we can compromise. I want Jenny to leave him because he’s not the brightest bulb, and she wants more.
Shanna’s problem with Clay is she wants more too. Too similar?
That could include him hitting the bars and getting arrested for fighting and drunk and disorderly. But I don’t see him as the type who would ever be violent toward her, even if he has a violent streak.
So we can have Clay arrest him at various bars around town, and have him know Jenny because she kept bailing his dumb ass out. That means I’ll add his drinking problem to Jenny’s list of things she can’t stand about him, and Clay can feel sorry for her that she has had to put up with such a loser.
Well, I never saw him being violent to her, just breaking stuff.
How about he was a sweet guy when they married; the drink got control and brought out his dark side. She couldn’t take it anymore and dumped him. It’s a nice arc for her to go from thinking he’s still the jerk she divorced when they meet in the ER, to slowly realize that he’s been serious about sobering up and that he’s back to the sweet guy she married. (Yeah, I split an infinitive - sue me.)
Paul
• • •
Yeah, that’s stronger. Jeff and I can tweak his drinking problem in the rewrite, make it more of a main issue between them.
Then the fact that he cut the back of his leg could be Jenny believing he was drinking on the job, when it really was just stupidity.
And the reason he could have begun drinking is because he felt inferior to his smarter wife.
Jeff? Work for you?
Joe
• • •
Yep, that completely works.
Are we going to add a disclaimer to the book saying that people who read the free sample are required to start over from the beginning? :)
Jeff
• • •
Please, take a crack at sanding out the rough edges. What I really love (and maybe you work on) is the idea that because Mort is from this bloodline, and because he essentially infected himself with the same strand that hit Oswald, the virus can manifest differently in him. He contains the cure within himself, only it’s a cure that makes him a functioning (and infinitely more terrifying dracula). This is getting above my medical expertise pay grade, so hopefully Paul can make sure I haven’t completely fucked up my basic understanding of virus and antibody. And yes, Paul, I think the scene definitely goes on with Clay saying “You mean a shot?” Please feel free to tweak any of the dialogue I assigned to him.
Blake
• • •
I uploaded a couple of pages of Clay 5.0 — a scene done purely for visual impact — but I don’t know where to go from there. Does Clay reconnect with Randall next or does he blunder into the Adam-Stacie story? Eventually he has to help Adam end it all.
Maybe I’ll write him setting up Adam’s farewell scene and work on the timing and connections later. I’m on a roll here and don’t want to lose momentum.
Paul
• • •
Paul - I’m writing my Adam scene right now. Not sure if he connects with Randall first (I’m thinking not), but Clayton does blunder into my story. He can be on the third floor, near the birthplace, (trying to find a way to the roof?) and hear screams coming from the maternity ward. He busts in and sees my minister out in the hallway fighting with Oasis (and losing). saves the day. Stacie by this point will be in bed, hooked up to a blood transfusion, and he can help them get out of there. Nurse Herrick will be turning into a draculas by this point too (Oasis bit her) so maybe he can put her down as well. There’s also a single mother on the wing who just gave birth to a baby dracula (oasis has been on a tear). If you want to work that scene up, I’ll work on Adam going to get blood for his wife, and lay the groundwork of Oasis running rampant through the birthplace while he’s away. Sound good?
Blake
• • •
Let me see what you do and I’ll jump in. But you do plan to have Adam bitten, right?
Paul
• • •
For sure.
And here’s my outline plan…
Adam 4.0 (almost done) will end with him leaving the mat ward to go get blood.
Herrick 1.0 will be her beginning to treat Stacie, and then oasis shows up and wreaks havoc, she gets bitten but scares O off.
Adam 5.0 - will be Adam goes down to the blood bank with only a scalpel to retrieve blood bags for Stacie, is chased, almost killed, but makes it back to the ER.
Oasis 4.0 - short, Oasis pissed, trying to figure out how to kill an adult.
Adam 6.0 - Adam returns to the ward with the blood and Herrick gets Stacie hooked up, but she starts to feel bad and leaves (they haven’t seen these things turn so they don’t know what the symptoms mean. Adam starts to comfort his wife and take care of his newborn daughter when Oasis shows up. Minister vs. 8-year-old dracula girl… can’t wait to write this scene. Just as O is getting ready to overpower him, Clay arrives. (but Adam is bitten). I think Herrick can show back up after this at some point after clay arrives for a big scare.
Blake
• • •
Very cool. Is Stacy going to make it? If not, I have uses for that blood.
Paul
• • •
Not sure yet…my thought is she’s touch-and-go as Clay and Adam roll her and the baby out of the maternity ward and they go in search of a way to get on the roof. But Adam is bringing back tons of blood bags. He’s going to use them like grenades.
Blake
• • •
Sounds awesome. But don’t have Adam bitten until he’s on the roof.
Joe
• • •
Are elevators working?
Blake
• • •
No elevators. Are you thinking Adam has a cart for the blood?
Joe
• • •
How about this for Randall, since the outlines thus far don’t really address what’s going to happen with the kids in pediatrics.
He reaches pediatrics just as Benny is attacking. Randall is absolutely pissed beyond belief that the clown
