Chapter 7: Reach out and touch her
Okay, you’ve made your pitch and she’s responded positively. You’re talking to the girl. What do you do next?
Reach out and touch her. But it very definitely has to be the right kind of touch.
Classical actors use their body language, words, and tone to convey emotions they don’t have. Method actors display the thoughts and the emotions they’re actually feeling. We are born method actors. We have to study and train to become classical actors. Unless you’re a great classical actor and have the skills to pretend otherwise, every emotion and thought you have is displayed in your voice, face, and touch.
Every guy has experienced a phenomenon I call the spontaneous stiffy. Teenage boys who experience this reaction almost always get an ‘Oh shit’ expression on their face and they jerk forward to decrease the pressure on their crotch. You are immediately self-conscious because it is embarrassing. It is not sexy or attractive.
The girl you’re slow dancing with knows what’s happening even if you can keep your bulge from touching her. Men eventually grow out of physical stiffies; the mental ones never go away. It doesn’t matter if your wood is physical or mental, a woman can usually tell. A man with lust in his heart has a different touch than a man who doesn’t.
You’re friends with a girl with an awesome personality. You really like her but you aren’t physically attracted to her at all. One day you’re giving her a friendly hug good-bye and you get the feeling she’s imagining you naked. How do you feel? I’m going to bet it’s not good.
Being desired by someone we want is wonderful; being desired by someone we don’t is repulsive. Men and women are different. I’m speaking in generalities here and there are always exceptions to the rule, but if a woman is physically attractive, we usually want her. A woman has to like a man—no matter how attractive he is, before she wants him.
If you put your arm around a girl while mentally undressing her, you’re making a sexual pass. It’s a really awesome way to make her uncomfortable.
So why am I encouraging you to touch her? Before I answer this question, I want you to imagine a happy family on a picnic. Form the mental image of the dad affectionately rubbing his son’s head and giving his daughter a quick hug has he rough houses with them. The mom calls the family to the meal by name and she lightly touches them as she sends them off to do this and that. The brother laughingly insults his younger sister and she playfully slaps him in return.
Now imagine a dysfunctional family eating a meal in silence. There are no displays of affection. The family members hardly ever touch each other—it’s really hard to show affection without touch. That’s why you want to touch the girl you like.
The greatest players are amazing actors; they can fake affection and caring. If you’re reading this book, statistical probability indicates you’re not a player. In which case, you’re better off not trying to fake anything because you’re bad at it.
If you don’t like a girl, don’t touch her. If you like her, be affectionate. If you’re happy to see her, give her a hug. Pat her on the shoulder when you want her attention or want to make a point. We all want to be liked. We all want affection. It is extremely difficult to be happy if you’re not liked.
It’s ironic, but beautiful women have a harder time getting affection than not-so-beautiful women. Other women are jealous. Men are often too intimidated or too lust-filled give them a simple friendly hug. Learn how to use this technique and you might be surprised how much of a positive response you get.
It’s almost impossible to NOT think of something. Don’t try to NOT think of her physical looks. Instead think about how happy you are to see her. Think about why you like her—her sense of humor, her kindness, or how interesting she is—as you touch her.
In the same way there are physical laws of the universe, there are emotional and spiritual laws. Eventually what you send out into the universe comes back. There’s a reason why the best players are almost always miserable and unhappy.
When you pick up a girl, try to be in a game where both of you win. Being with you shouldn’t mean she loses. When I write, “Be the gift that keeps on giving,” I’m trying to be funny—but underneath the joke is a core of truth.
Chapter 8: The golden rule, white lies, and nagging
If you’ve only dated one girl, you won’t be able to tell if her flaws and good points are individual to her or if these traits are universal to all women. The advantage to dating multiple women is that you’re soon forced to lose all hope. God promised man He’d leave incredible women in all the four corners of the Earth. And then He made the world round.
Most of the feminine traits that drive men crazy are universal to all women. If you’re heterosexual and you want to be with a woman, you have to learn how to deal with the differences between us and them.
We all know the golden rule; treat others like you want to be treated. Under pressure we instinctively treat the people we love or hope to love the way we’d want to be treated. If you treat a woman like a man, you’ll die alone—even worse, end up trapped with a pissed off woman for a very long time.
Why are divorces so expensive? They’re worth it. You don’t want to be the guy who knows through personal experience why they’re worth it.
When’s the last time you wanted to be treated like a girl? Growing up when you saw your father kiss your sister and call her beautiful, did you feel jealous? Did you long to be called handsome by your dad?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you don’t want what I’ve got to sell. I’d encourage you to return this book and get a refund. If you answered no to all three questions, please read on.
Let’s take it for granted that you don’t want to be treated like a woman. The woman you love or hope to love doesn’t want to be treated like a man. You need to treat her like she wants to be treated; you need to help her treat you like you want to be treated.
This is easier said than done. Following the golden rule is easy. You instinctively know what makes you happy; you don’t instinctively know what makes her happy. The things that please you often annoy her.
Men, especially nerds, tend to be analytical. We want to understand why things happen. You’ve likely been trying to understand since childhood why women do what they do. And you’ve been failing.
Just out of curiosity, I once performed a simple experiment. I asked men and women what they’d do if they just got married and only had enough money to furnish one room at a time. Would they buy an entertainment center they’d use every day or a dining room set they’d use once or twice a year? They had to choose one or the other; they couldn’t have both.
Every man I asked told me that they’d buy the entertainment center. More than ninety percent of the women told me they’d buy the dining room set. I understood why men wanted to buy something they’d use every day over something they’d use just once or twice a year.
I tried to grasp why anyone would want to buy a dining room set. I asked women to explain. Imagine someone trying to describe colors to a person who’s been blind from birth; that’s how I felt while these women described the logical progression behind their choice. As much as I tried, I couldn’t follow their logic. I couldn’t see what they were seeing.
Men like to claim that all women are crazy. Who is crazier, the insane person or the man who’s trying everything possible to be with the insane person? Don’t throw stones; in our own way we’re just as crazy as them.
I decided, after my experiment, not to waste time trying to understand WHY women were different. I focused instead on HOW they were different. Once I started looking at ‘what they did’ rather than ‘why they did.’ I found out that women are surprisingly consistent and easy to predict.
Men hate being lied to—even if it’s a white lie. Women not only like white lies—they ask for them.
When a woman asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” The right answer is NEVER, “Honey, dresses
