don’t make you look fat. Fat makes you look fat.”
If a woman asks you, “Do you ever fantasize about other women while we have sex?” Answering, “Sometimes” will result in pain, I promise you. She’ll never forget this answer.
If your wife asks you, “What would you do if I died?” Don’t tell her, “It’ll suck at first but eventually I’ll move on.” She’ll never forget this answer, either.
When a man asks a question he generally wants the truth—good or bad. If he asks a woman, ‘does this jacket match my pants’, he really doesn’t know if they match or not—he wants the truth. There are times when women answer men with white lies because that’s what they’d want. When we find out we’ve been lied to, we get pissed. If a man doesn’t want a real answer to a question, he doesn’t ask the question. No man who has the delusion that he’s hot ever asks a woman, “Am I good looking?”
With women, there are times where they want the truth and they’re times where they expect white lies—it’s obvious to them which are which. Unfortunately, it’s not always so obvious to us—this often leads to problems because it’s difficult for them to understand how hard it is for us to know when to lie. When we get it wrong (How can you get it wrong? It’s so obvious!), they think we’re insulting them on purpose.
When a woman gets upset, she usually wants to talk because that’s what makes her feel better. When a man gets upset, he tends to withdraw because that’s what makes him feel better. It’s sad and ironic, but the things that make a woman feel better tend to make a man feel miserable and vice versa.
It’s through our fights with women that we ultimately learn if we love them or not. Only a man in love can truly be miserable. If the woman you’re with doesn’t have the power to make you truly miserable, you probably don’t care enough about her. If you haven’t wanted to kill a girl at least once, you shouldn’t marry her.
A couple that never fights, a relationship where there isn’t any conflict, is boring. Boredom kills relationships faster than pain. But pain and misery need to be like garlic on a steak. A little bit adds spice and interest; too much destroys the meal. You don’t need to be afraid of conflict and disagreements, but you also shouldn’t let arguments get out of control.
The most common sign of an unhappy woman is nagging. When a woman nags, it’s a sign that she isn’t getting enough positive attention. When a woman doesn’t get enough positive attention, she’ll instinctively seek negative attention.
If a puppy goes potty in the corner of your room, it’s not enough to spray air freshener over the doggy doo. You have to remove the poop. You have to address the root problem. When a woman nags, it’s not enough to do what she asks. You have to give her the positive attention she needs.
The best way to give a woman who is nagging positive attention is to lie. It’s unpleasant to be nagged. When a woman is angry with you, it is extremely difficult not to be angry back. The greatest gift you can give a woman when you’re angry is a lie; you have to tell her you love her when you don’t—at that moment.
Women may be crazy, but they aren’t stupid. When you tell them you love them when you really want to kill them, they know that you’re telling the Mount Everest of white lies—and they’ll love you for it. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they stop being angry.
I know this sounds insane. The only way you’ll believe me is if you try it and it works. If you’re being driven nuts by the woman you love, what have you got to lose?
Chapter 9: The value of experience
There are men who are content to be with just one woman for their entire lives. I wasn’t one of them. I’ve dated hundreds of women. By the time I was in my late twenties, the standard pick up became so easy that it was almost boring. The more experience I got, the more jaded I became. I dealt with this by becoming more and more extreme. It wasn’t until a prostitute wanted to have a relationship with me that I realized I needed to change my path—that the extreme wasn’t working for me.
After that, I became much pickier about the women I asked out. It took a lot of trial and error but I eventually learned that I preferred quality over quantity. For some men, two fives make a ten—for others it adds up to fifty-five. It helps to know which one you are.
I know many intelligent men. I’ve never met one who was smart enough to learn from other people’s mistakes. The best I’ve seen anyone do is to learn from his own mistakes after a couple of failures rather than hundreds, or never.
My goal isn’t to try to help you avoid mistakes. I encourage you to make them; no one gets better at anything without mistakes. My hope is that by reading this book, you’ll learn how to avoid making the same mistake over and over again.
We can choose how we act. We can’t choose what we want. If we could, would anyone pick being homosexual? Our society has become more tolerant, but life is still much harder for those who are different. I suspect that if people had a choice, very few would choose to be that kind of different. Since we don’t have the ability to choose what we want, the best we can do is to understand the parameters of our own desires. To do that, we need experience.
There are men out there who marry their high school sweethearts and are happy to be with that one woman for the rest of their lives. There are others who are miserable in the same situation. It helps to know which one you are before you get engaged.
When I was a player hopping from one woman to the next, I was never satisfied. I was always bored. I thought I didn’t have it in me to be happy or content. I may cause some of you to upchuck by writing this, but I didn’t know how to be happy until I met my wife.
Prior to meeting her, the longest I’d dated anyone was six months. My average relationship lasted three weeks. I had a lot of one night stands. All the time I’d spent in the past getting into failed relationships, all the work I’d put into figuring out why they failed helped me recognize I’d found the one I was looking for. I knew on our second date I wanted to marry her. I proposed to her exactly one hundred days after our first date and I’ve been happy ever since.
Most of the people who knew me before my marriage thought it wouldn’t last—that I’d never be content with just one woman. Now when I go out with my male friends, I don’t notice attractive women unless my friends point them out for me. Whenever I focus on a pretty girl I don’t know, I get PTSD flashbacks of waking up next to a woman I didn’t like. I involuntarily recall countless breakup conversations—all agonizing in their own special ways. I know in my deepest core, how NOT green it is on the other side of the fence.
I’m not recommending you follow the path I did. Looking back at my life, I can’t believe how long it took for me to realize what I wanted. As a guy who’s always taken pride in my analytical skills, I’m embarrassed that it took hundreds of failures for me to understand what worked for me and what didn’t.
Few players have the ability to hang it up like me. What makes me different? It probably has a lot to do with my oxytocin levels.
Oxytocin is a neurochemical that is also known as ‘the love hormone.’ The inability to excrete oxytocin has been linked to the inability to feel empathy. The science of oxytocin secretion is not completely understood, but it appears that the pleasure of orgasms is directly linked to oxytocin levels you get during sex. The higher the concentration of oxytocin you get, the better the sex is.
It’s common knowledge that some women reach orgasm easily and that others don’t. It isn’t as well known that there’s a similar level of variability among men. For as many men out there with problems with premature ejaculation there are others who are able to obtain an erection but have difficulty coming. Just like women, these men fake orgasms. Our oxytocin levels during sex have a lot to do with how enjoyable or even addicting sex can be for us.
Every study on human sexuality has revealed that infidelity is common, but it isn’t as common as fidelity. We can be cynical because cheating occurs frequently or we can be optimistic because there are more monogamous couples than non-monogamous.
There are two extremes of oxytocin production during sex. In one there is a low level of oxytocin the first time a person has sex with another followed by steadily increasing levels as long as the person is having sex with the same partner until a high plateau is reached. If you have this pattern, you tend to be monogamous because sex with a new partner isn’t that good and sex with the old partner is great.
