On the other extreme, there is a huge bolus of oxytocin produced the first time a person is with a new partner, followed by steadily decreasing levels of oxytocin each time the two of them have sex. There are case reports of people who claim that sex with a new partner gives them a better high than shooting up heroin. Not surprisingly, these people frequently become addicted to sex. If you have this pattern, it’s difficult for you to be monogamous.
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes; more of us trend toward monogamy than otherwise.
Which pattern we follow is determined by our genes. In our lifetimes, it’ll likely be possible for us to get a genetic test to see if we’re prone to monogamy or not. Until then, the only way we can determine what kind of oxytocin pattern we have is to have sex and then see how we react.
I’m not religious but I’m also not anti-religion. For the most part, the happiest, most centered people I know are believers. The most irritating, un-centered people I know tend to be rabidly secular. If you have strong religious convictions that tell you to avoid premarital sex, please don’t break them on my account. There are too many advantages to living a life you’re proud of to give them all up for a bit of self-knowledge. But if you are having sex or if you’ve had sex outside of marriage, it’s a waste not to learn something from your experiences.
Biology is not destiny. I had no idea how good sex could be until I found a woman I loved. The fact that one night stands didn’t feel all that great didn’t stop me from having them over and over again. We have the ability to overcome our genetic preferences, but our lives are much better if we understand them.
If you’re the kind of guy that has incredible, mind-blowing sex the first time you’re with a woman and are bored out of your mind by the twentieth time, you have the ability to remain committed and faithful, but you’ll eventually lose interest in having sex with her. You have the prerogative to live a life without enjoyable sex. But is it fair to make that decision for your partner without her knowledge?
Women have the same oxytocin patterns as men. You may be the monogamous type but if you’re thinking about committing long term to a woman who was out of control when you were first with her and now she’s yawning, you may want to re-think that commitment.
If you’re lucky enough to end up with the perfect woman in your first or second relationship, I’m happy for you. If you aren’t, learn from your failed relationships. Science is a fancy name for trial and error. You’re a nerd. You should be open to using science to improve your life. Try not the date the same kind of women over and over again. Try to learn what you really want. Figure out what works for you.
Chapter 10: Learn the difference between real and fake friendships
A true friend likes you exactly as you are. They know all your flaws and they don’t care. You never have to worry about putting your best foot forward or hiding your real opinions when you’re around your friends.
It’s easy to tell who your guy friends are because you don’t want to have sex with any of them. If a guy is annoying, he isn’t a friend.
It’s harder with women. Sexual tension makes it difficult for us to see what’s real and what isn’t. A woman may be annoying but if she’s hot, you might be reluctant to avoid her.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re male or female, physically attractive or unattractive: if you want to sleep with someone, that person is a potential lover and not a friend. We always treat our lovers and potential lovers differently than we treat our friends.
Most men aren’t good listeners. We love to complain about women. We love to converse about sports and gear but we don’t really listen to anyone except people we want to sleep with. Even with them, most of the time we’re pretending we’re paying attention. If you’ve never patiently listened to a friend weep and patted his hand with sympathy as he explains how his girlfriend hurt him, you’re probably not acting like yourself when you do the same for an attractive girl. You’re being a fake friend.
I recommend you stop doing that for reasons both moral and practical.
I’ll review the moral reason first. It isn’t good Karma to fake being someone you’re not. You may be able to fake being sensitive and caring while you’re horny, but as soon as you’re satisfied you’ll revert to your old self. You won’t be able to help it; that’s just how the male brain works. If the girl fell for your act and started dating you, you’d never be able to keep it up. It’s always unethical to pull a bait and switch.
The practical reason for not being a fake friend is it will never lead to what you want. In movies and novels, fake friends often end up with the girl. This happens because almost all male script writers and novelists are nerds who make livings writing about their fantasies. It doesn’t happen in real life.
If the girl really wants to be your friend, she REALLY isn’t attracted to you. The best you can hope for is being loved like an adopted brother. If she’s anything close to normal, she will not be attracted to family members.
“But”, you protest, “being a fake friend is working! Just the other day she said, ‘I wish my boyfriend was more like you’. She’s totally into me!”
Let’s analyze her statement. First what were you doing when she said that? The odds were good that you were doing something men almost never do—you were carefully listening to her. You were also caring and empathetic. To put it bluntly, you weren’t acting like a man; you were acting like a girl.
When men get frustrated with their girlfriends, they often say, “I wish she’d be reasonable!” Men often wish women would be more like men.
When a girl gets frustrated with her boyfriend, she often says, “I wish he’d stop being so stupid and insensitive!” She’s wishing that her boyfriend would be more like a girl. So when a frustrated girl compares you favorably to her ex or current boyfriend, she’s comparing you (an honorary girl) to him (a real man).
Unfortunately for you, in a competition for a heterosexual girl’s affections, an honorary girl never beats a real man.
You don’t have to be an asshat or treat a woman badly to be a real man. There’s a fine line that separates ‘nice guy’ from ‘honorary girl’. You just need to avoid stepping over that line.
If you don’t want to be effectively neutered in a woman’s eyes, you mustn’t let her complain about ex or current boyfriend to you. Seriously, do you really want to hear this?
So how do you stop her? My initial suggestion is to yawn. It’s not hard to make a yawn when you’re really bored. Most women will get the message and let you change the topic. If a yawn doesn’t stop her, say this: “I’d much rather talk about us than him.”
It’s a bold statement that cuts through all the bullshit. It tells her exactly where you stand. A woman wouldn’t be talking to you about another guy if she was interested in you. The odds are high that she’ll reject you, but at least now you will no longer be wasting time and energy on a false hope.
Chapter 11: How to talk to a girl
The pick up line is the first step. The girl is now willing to hear your spiel. What are you going to say?
I’ll list a few techniques that I used to make small talk with women. If they fit your personality, you’re welcome to use them. If they don’t, try to come up with other techniques that better fit your style.
My goal isn’t to turn you into a mini, less-original version of me. I’m trying to give you the tools to turn you into the best you possible. I’m attempting to help you find the girl you want to be with long term. Your relationship is doomed if you start it off by pretending to be someone you’re not. Whatever technique you use, it has to be consistent with the real you.
If you try to talk to her about the things you’re interested in—sports, electronic equipment, cars, et al—the odds are high you’ll bore her in seconds. There are girls who are interested in this kind of stuff, but they’re extremely rare. Please don’t ask her deep probing questions about herself. We’ve talked about that before—that’ll just turn you into an honorary girl. It’s bad enough when a girl is trying to neuter you—don’t castrate yourself.
If I wanted to try humor, I’d sometimes use this opening line, “What does a man with a twelve-inch penis eat for breakfast?”
Most times, she’d be taken aback—not knowing how to deal with a guy who starts a conversation about
