messages. The tough thing about feelings is that they can grab hold of you with lightning speed even when it’s not a reasonable feeling based on truth. Based on truth? Here’s what that looks like:
A girl at school calls you a loser. Are you a loser? No, but you still feel insecure.
You get a bad grade on a test. Was the test unfair? No, but you still feel angry at your teacher.
A classmate makes fun of the car your mother drives. Is a minivan a perfectly good mode of transportation? Yes, but you still feel defensive.
Feelings aren’t bad, but the way we express feelings can be bad. Check your feelings against the truth of what’s happening. That first feeling that sweeps over you may change!
Agree to Disagree
Tolerance. It’s a word that gets tossed around a lot these days. Everyone has a right to her opinion, her own likes and dislikes, and her own ideas. Being tolerant of other people’s opinions doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them. Tolerance means you put up with things (opinions, beliefs, actions, appearances) that you may not agree with. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have opinions of your own or that you can’t argue your own opinion. It simply means you have to listen to the other side, be open to new ideas and agree to disagree if you don’t find common ground. Learning to agree to disagree is part of learning tolerance and respect.
Tolerance also means that people can behave, dress, speak and look different from you, but you learn to accept them for who they are, even if you don’t like what you see or hear (as long as they are not physically or emotionally hurting you).
All of our differences make up the diversity in the world. Tolerance is accepting the diversity and learning to appreciate it for making the world an interesting place. You’ve probably heard it before, but it’s worth saying again . . . if everyone in the world were the same, the world would be a very boring place! We are good at enjoying the things we have in common with our friends, but we have to learn to respect and appreciate our differences as well as our similarities.
You can respect someone’s opinion without agreeing with it. Learning respect and tolerance can be tough, but it’s important. It helps you keep the peace with people who are different from you. That’s how we can each contribute to peace on a larger scale—in our schools, in our cities, in our countries, even in the world. Not to be corny, but there’s a great song about it: “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. . . .” It’s about tolerance and respect. These are good things to remember when you are building your Girl Power.
What Do You Do with Feelings?
Feelings are a big-time part of friendships. Friends can make us feel happy, comfortable, content and safe. But some friends can give us bad feelings by making us feel jealous, embarrassed, threatened or angry.
What do you do when you have these bad feelings? Do you explode in a fit of angry words? Do you punch something? Or somebody? Do you hold it all inside and erupt like a volcano later on? Do you cry? Put yourself down? Hang your head in shame?
No doubt about it, feelings have to be expressed. Having feelings is
Okay, let’s start with the punching response. Smacking someone across the face will always make the situation worse. Once the punching starts, everyone totally forgets what they are arguing over. Lots of black eyes, bloody noses and scratch marks. No solutions.
Instead, try sentences like these:
I don’t like it when you drive too fast because it makes me feel scared.
I don’t want you to touch me like that because it’s uncomfortable for me.
I don’t agree that she’s a nerd just because she likes classical music.
That’s not true. You can get pregnant the first time you have sex; I read it in our health book.
It’s not fair to exclude her just because she wears black fingernail polish.
Use words! State your case! It will help you release your feelings even if the other person just argues back.
But what if that doesn’t really work? What if you still are boiling with emotion? First of all, if anyone hits you, bullies you over and over again or makes you feel ashamed because they talk dirty to you or touch your body in ways that make you uncomfortable, go to an adult for help! None of these things should happen to you. You deserve to be protected from this kind of bullying and abuse, and the people who do it should be stopped!
That’s the worst-case scenario. But usually your feelings overflow from a personal disagreement. Step back, get away from the situation that has you all wound up and cool down. Count to ten. Grab a piece of paper, and write down your feelings. Write a letter to yourself, a letter to the person who caused your feelings to erupt or a journal entry. Talk to someone about it. Send the letter if you want, or rip it to shreds if that feels better. Get it out and let it go, or get it out and
Need Help?
Sometimes the pain of feelings can get so bad that you may be tempted to “deaden the pain.” That’s when some girls and guys turn to alcohol and drugs to get “high” and “forget about it.” They may look for sex to feel wanted. Some may try self-mutilation (scratching, cutting or hurting yourself in other ways) to block out bad feelings with physical pain or to get rid of “numb” feelings.
What? Are you crazy? Cut myself just because I’m angry? We know that’s what some of you are thinking. But some of you may have already tried it, thought about it or know someone who has done it. It’s a painful, desperate situation and more common than we’d like to think. It can be a cry for help when you don’t know exactly how to get help. And if your friends are encouraging you to use sex, drugs, alcohol or cutting to “feel better,” they need help, too.
Find someone you trust. If not your parents, maybe a teacher, a coach, a religious leader or another adult relative. Believe it or not, they went through the exact same changes you are going through. They might be surprised, but they may have had some of the same thoughts and fought similar battles. They have most likely known someone or even helped someone dealing with the same stuff. And they can help you get the kind of help you need.
If you’re afraid to talk to an adult, ask a friend to find help for you. If you know of someone doing these things, tell an adult. Sex, drugs, alcohol and cutting are not secrets you want to keep. In fact, they are dangerous secrets
