CROFTS What do you go encouraging that young pup for?
MRS WARREN [On the alert at once.] Now see here, George: what are you up to about that girl? Ive been watching your way of looking at her. Remember: I know you and what your looks mean.
CROFTS Theres no harm in looking at her, is there?
MRS WARREN I'd put you out and pack you back to London pretty soon if I saw any of your nonsense. My girl's little finger is more to me than your whole body and soul, [CROFTS receives this with a sneering grin, MRS WARREN, flushing a little at her failure to impose on him in the character of a theatrically devoted mother, adds in a lower fee}'] Make your mind easy: the young pup has no more chance than you have.
CROFTS Maynt a man take an interest in a girl?
MRS WARREN Not a man like you.
CROFTS How old is she?
MRS WARREN Never you mind how old she is.
CROFTS Why do you make such a secret of it?
MRS WARREN Because I choose.
CROFTS Well, I'm not fifty yet; and my property is as good as ever it was?
MRS WARREN [Interrupting him.] Yes; because youre as stingy as youre vicious.
CROFTS [Continuing.] And a baronet isnt to be picked up every day. No other man in my position would put up with you for a mother-in-law. Why shouldnt she marry me?
MRS WARREN YOU!
CROFTS We three could live together quite comfortably. I'd die before her and leave her a bouncing widow with plenty of money. Why not? It's been growing in my mind all the time Ive been walking with that fool inside there. MRS WARREN [Revolted.] Yes; it's the sort of thing that would grow in your mind. [He halts in his prowling; and the two look at one another, she steadfastly, with a sort of awe behind her contemptuous disgust: he stealthily, with a carnal gleam in his eye and a loose grin. ] CROFTS [Suddenly becoming anxious and urgent as he sees no sign of sympathy in her.] Look here, Kitty: youre a sensible woman: you neednt put on any moral airs. I'll ask no more questions; and you need answer none. I'll settle the whole property on her; and if you want a cheque for yourself on the wedding day, you can name any figure you like-?in reason. MRS WARREN So it's come to that with you, George, like all the other worn- out old creatures! CROFTS [Savagely.] Damn you! [Before she can retort the door of the kitchen is opened; and the voices
.
MRS WARREN'S PROFESSION, ACT 1 / 1763
of the others are heard returning, CROFTS, unable to recover his presence of mind, hurries out of the cottage. The clergyman appears at the kitchen door. ]
REV. SAMUEL [Looking around.] Where is Sir George?
MRS WARREN Gone out to have a pipe. [The clergyman takes his hat from the table, and joins MRS WARREN at the fireside. Meanwhile VIVIE comes in, followed by FRANK, who collapses into the nearest chair with an air of extreme exhaustion. MRS WARREN looks round at VIVIE and says, with her affectation of maternal patronage even more forced than usual] Well, dearie: have you had a good supper?
VIVIE YOU know what Mrs Alison's suppers are. [She turns to FRANK and pets him.] Poor Frank! was all the beef gone? did it get nothing but bread and cheese and ginger beer? [Seriously, as if she had done quite enough trifling for one evening.] Her butter is really awful. I must get some down from the stores. FRANK DO, in heaven's name! [VIVIE goes to the writing-table and makes a memorandum to order the butter, PRAED comes in from the kitchen, putting up his handkerchief, which he has been using as a napkin.] REV. SAMUEL Frank, my boy: it is time for us to be thinking of home. Your mother does not know yet that we have visitors. PRAED I'm afraid we're giving trouble. FRANK [Rising.] Not the least in the world; my mother will be delighted to see you. She's a genuinely intellectual artistic woman; and she sees nobody here from one year's end to another except the gov'nor; so you can imagine how jolly dull it pans out for her. [To his father.] Y o u r e not intellectual or artistic are you, pater?5 So take Praed home at once; and I'll stay here and entertain Mrs Warren. Youll pick up Crofts in the garden. He'll be excellent company for the bull-pup. PRAED [Taking his hat from the dresser, and coming close to FRANK.] Come with us, Frank. Mrs Warren has not seen Miss Vivie for a long time; and we have prevented them from having a moment together yet. FRANK [Quite softened, and looking at PRAED with romantic admiration.] Of course. I forgot. Ever so thanks for reminding me. Perfect gentleman, Praddy. Always were. My ideal through life. [He rises to go, but pauses a moment between the two older men, and puts his hand on PRAED'S shoidder.] Ah, if you had only been my father instead of this unworthy old man! [He puts his other hand on his father's shoulder.] REV. SAMUEL [Blustering.] Silence, sir, silence; you are profane. MRS WARREN [Laughing heartily.] You should keep him in better order, Sam. Goodnight. Here: take George his hat and stick with my compliments. REV. SAMUEL [Taking them.] Goodnight. [They shake hands. As he passes VTVIE he shakes hands with her also and bids her goodnight. Then, in booming command, to FRANK.] Come along, sir, at once. [He goes out.] MRS WARREN Byebye, Praddy. PRAED Byebye, Kitty. [They shake hands affectionately and go out together, she accompanying him to the garden gate.] FRANK [To VTVIE.] Kissums?
5. Father (Latin).
.
1 176 4 / BERNARD SHAW
VIVIE [Fiercely.] No. I hate you. [S/ie takes a couple of books and some paper from the writing-table, and sits down with them at the middle table, at the end next the fireplace. ]
FRANK [Grimacing.] Sorry. [He goes for his cap and rifle, MRS WARREN returns. He takes her hand.] Goodnight, dea r Mrs Warren. [He kisses her hand. She snatches it away, her lips tightening, and looks more than half disposed to box his ears. He laughs mischievously and runs off , clapping-to the door behind him.]
MRS WARREN [Resigning herself to an evening of boredom now that the men are gone.] Did you ever in your life hear anyone rattle on so? Isnt he a tease? [She sits at the table.] Now that I think of it, dearie, dont you go on encouraging him. I'm sure he's a regular good-for-nothing.
