Why Men Love Bitches

When he asks if you’ve been to the restaurant before, don’t tell him about the two ex-boyfriends who took you to the very same romantic corner table you are now sitting at. (Unless you never want to go back to that restaurant again.)

ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #34

When you appear softer and more feminine,

you appeal to his instinct to protect.

When you appear more aggressive, you appeal

to his instinct to compete.

Whenever you give a man the impression that you want to “wear the pants,” you’ll almost always have a battle on your hands, in which case, congrats—you’ve become his opponent. If he competes, he plays to win at your expense, and good luck getting anything that way.

Men need a little coaching, and the way to coach them is to praise them when they behave well. A man’s favorite word? “Best.” It doesn’t matter if you say, “Honey, you eat those beer nuts the best—like no one I have ever met in my life.” Use the word best, and you’ll always have his full attention.

Make friends with his ego. For example, suppose you live together and he wants to help decorate. Chances are at some point he will have a need to “express” his virility by hanging something on the wall. (Something that clashes with everything.) When he gleefully breaks out those elephant tusks, the African sword, or the 1986 Super Bowl poster that he calls “art,” keep a straight face and appear sincere. “Yes, honey, Grandpa’s eighteenth-century rifle is to die for!” Then immediately enlist his “much needed help” in decorating the garage or the basement.

Want him to pitch in around the house? Just make him feel needed (i.e., powerful). Give him little assignments. It doesn’t matter if you ask him to program the VCR or help hang a photo on the wall. When he uses that noisy electric drill, he will feel just like Rambo. When the picture hangs crooked—and it will—pretend it’s perfect. Simply wait until he leaves the room and then straighten it.

When he hands over that paycheck, thank him for working so hard for “the benefit of everyone in the family.” Again, wait until he leaves the room. Then review the stub to make sure that he got paid all of his overtime.

Remember, when he behaves like a man and he treats you well, pay a little “homage” to that ego. He should feel like Conan the Barbarian a couple of times a week.

Whenever he does something handy around the house like putting up a shelf, praise him. It doesn’t matter if the shelf hangs at a 45-degree angle and the stuff keeps sliding off the other end. Clap like the happiest seal at the zoo, and then have a handyman come over to fix it when he isn’t around. The minute you say, “It’s crooked,” it’s all over. He’ll never do anything handy around the house again. It will make him feel worse than a little kid who got scolded in arts and crafts class.

Men have big egos and they need to have them stroked. This is what the “dumb fox” does. In small ways, she makes him feel like he is the King Kong of her world. Here are a few more dumb fox tips on how to make him feel “studly.”

• If you’re walking your dog at dusk, ask him to come with you because you want him to “keep you safe.”

• If he kills a little bug, look away. And don’t turn back around until he lets you know he has “secured the premises.”

• If you hear a noise at night (like a bird pooping on the roof), act really scared. Tell him to check to see “what that noise is about.”

• After he checks out the source of the noise, tell him you like having him in the house or apartment because it makes you “feel so much safer.”

• Ask him to open a jar that you can’t open (even if you can) or unzip your dress (even if you can reach it). Or, you can ask him to lift a small box for you.

• At a scary movie, hang on to him tightly. If there’s violence, cover your eyes and let him tell you when it’s over.

• If it’s cold outside, crawl under his coat and hang on to him for warmth.

• Let him move a piece of furniture (even one you could move yourself). When he does this with ease, tell him how heavy it was. “You are so strong! Gee, I don’t know how you moved that.”

• Let him parallel park your car or back it out of a tight spot. If you tell him he’s a “much better driver” than you are, he’ll really be eating out of your hand. He’ll probably wash your car or fill your tank with gas.

Handling his ego with kid gloves is as easy as learning your A-B-Cs. When her child brings home a crayon drawing from kindergarten—no matter how ugly it is—a mother doesn’t criticize it. She’d never say, “Is that a dog or a cow? Hey kid—don’t quit your day job.” Instead she tells him, “This is a masterpiece!” Then the child thinks he is the next Picasso, and he draws ten more pictures.

Praise is important. When he takes you out to eat, say thank-you once at dinner, and again when you say good night. The nice girl often makes the mistake of saying thank-you over and over. Then she calls the following day to say thank-you three times on his answering machine. As though no one’s ever bought her a hot meal before.

In the beginning, without question let him pay for dinner. After you’ve been dating for a while, you can reciprocate. But don’t do a 50/50 split or go Dutch—he’s not a long-lost professional colleague.

When a man is really crazy about a woman, he isn’t concerned with splitting a check. He won’t say, “You had the turkey salad and I had the beef. So your total comes to…” If he adores her, he won’t be thinking about petty cash. What he’ll be thinking about is how he can win her over.

If he can’t afford it, suggest an inexpensive place or do something that doesn’t cost money. Visit a museum. Go on a bike ride. Split a dinner plate, and don’t order alcohol. However, if he asks you to split the check on the first few dates, don’t see him again. It has less to do with a few dollars than with the fact that he’s not very concerned with impressing you. And that’s never a good sign.

ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #35

He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay

for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he

wouldn’t think of it with his dreamgirl.

This conversation came up on my radio show. A caller asked if she should let the man pay, and I said, “In the beginning, yes.” Both my male guest and the male sound engineer jumped in and said, “But that’s not fair.” Then I got a spelling lesson: “Fair. It’s spelled f-a-i-r.” I see their point. But it also isn’t fair that we get sixty cents on the dollar in the workplace, that we wear painful pushup bras and high heels, and that we carry the babies and give birth. So let him be the man. A gentleman.

The important thing is that when he pays, let him know at the end of the dinner you really do appreciate it. And compliment him on his taste in food, wine, or the restaurant. If it wasn’t good, don’t comment.

The dumb fox knows that the less she criticizes, the better. Which is why she doesn’t nag. Instead, she maneuvers.

For example, when he leaves his clothes on the floor next to the bed before he turns in for the night… don’t worry about it. He’ll probably get out of bed in the morning and pick them up. And then he’ll put them right back on.

About those socks and underwear that are peppered throughout your home? That was your fault, because you bought a hamper with a lid. (Much too complicated.) Get a hamper with no lid and strategically put it in a corner. Congrats. You’ve erected your very own basketball hoop. Every time he makes a dunk shot out of his dirty underwear? Two points.

Do you always change the toilet paper roll? Does he always get a full roll, while you get the last crummy little square, half of which is stuck to the cardboard? Nothing a little housebreaking won’t fix.