The Bro Code

(Exception: Hanson)

FOUR BROS ARE LAME

Mount Rushmore

The Fantastic Four (feature film version)

The Monkees

Olympic Bobsled Team

Michael Jordan's Teammates

(Exception: The Beatles)

BROETRY CORNER

One Bro makes a solo attack.
A second Bro provides a crutch.
A third Bro rounds out the pack,
But a fourth Bro is one too much.

ARTICLE 72

A Bro never spell-checks.

ARTICLE 73

When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the hill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather than enormously relieved.

ARTICLE 74

At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

ARTICLE 75

A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick.

Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes — with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie — even their body shape. As such, it's fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It's also smart: a Bro's career is to a chick what a chick's boobs are to a Bro.

HOW TO INVENT A JOB CHICKS WILL THINK IS HOT

ARTICLE 76

If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say 'I love you' he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Barry White-esque tone.

ARTICLE 77

Bros don't cuddle.

EXCEPTION: To conserve body heat in an emergency situation.

ARTICLE 78

A Bro shall never rack jack [11] his wingman.

To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between Bro and wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each faces the other, places his left hand on The Bro Code, raises his right hand, and recites the Wingman Pledge.

THE WINGMAN PLEDGE

I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability.

I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six.

I agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman, even if I keep getting stuck paying for shots.

I will never rack jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick.

I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party.

If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade.

If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall unequivocally agree that she sucked anyway, even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting.

Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, I will endeavor to ascertain and verify her birth date.

If I discover evidence that my wingman's chick is in a relationship, I shall make that information available to him, unless it's pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn't there.