The Bro Code

before pursuing her.

The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys… but what about women? It seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy.

Today's chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. All of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. How is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a 'let's duck into the bathroom' kind of way, or hot and crazy in a 'let's huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends' kind of way?

Fortunately, I've devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your 'yes' answers, and then plot the coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she's anywhere above it, run away.

HOT vs. CRAZY

ARTICLE 87

A Bro never questions another Bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.

ARTICLE 88

If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

ARTICLE 89

A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.

When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. 'Yes, he's single.' 'Yes, we're Navy SEALs.' 'Yes, he invented Facebook.' While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you'll be required to pretend you're from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone's dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks… if you're ready with a believable backstory.

HOW TO SOUND LIKE A TOURIST

Hi, I'm (real first name) (bird of prey). I'm from (compass direction) (biblical locale), (Midwestern or rectangular slate). Go, Fightin' (woodland creatures)! Yep, it was a great place to grow up. Walking down Main Street at (time of day), and dropping in at (three-letter male name)'s for some homemade (diabetic dessert), well, it makes my eyes water and my tummy grumble just thinking about it, yessiree. From time to time I like to check in on ol' Mrs (tree species), bless her heart, and her prize- winning (color) (plural vegetable). My high school sweetheart (flower type) and I used to neck up on (dangerous animal) (body of water) Point. Thought we'd get married but the good Lord had other plans for her in the form of a (American sedan) losing control round (American president)'s Curve. After she passed, I took up (piece of furniture) whittling to ease the pain, but, golly, I sure don't meet many ladies in that line of work, specially not ones as pretty as you. Gosh, you're prettier than a (barnyard animal) on a(n) (season) day, glistening in the (celestial body) shine.

ARTICLE 90

A Bro shows up at another Bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six-pack, he shall bring a six-pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.

ARTICLE 91

If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.

ARTICLE 92

A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.

To maintain the purity of such a beautiful, impersonal, and vapid relationship, a Bro never becomes emotionally attached to his booty call.

HOW TO KEEP A BOOTY CALL A BOOTY CALL

DON'T / WHY?

Buy her anything… not even a drink. / Gifts imply consideration and forethought — a booty call should never feel like more than a reflexive impulse, like a sneeze or a gag.

Refer to your booty call as your 'booty call.' / Some human beings — particularly women — like to think there's more to sex than sex.

Stick around after sex. / A booty call is strictly business. Once the transaction has taken place, anything else is superfluous, inefficient, and awkward.

Call again if your booty call doesn't respond that night. / Two calls imply something bad has happened: like you've been diagnosed with an STD or want to take her out on a date.

Call more than twice a month. / In some countries, this is considered marriage.

Think about her before midnight. / Idle thoughts can lead to a relationship.

Agree to meet on any other night than when you call. / That is called a date.