The Bro Code

BRO CODE FIVE!

(tear this one out and carry it with you so you'll never be left hanging…)

ARTICLE 108

If Bro forgets a guy's name, he may call him 'brah,' 'dude,' or 'man,' but never 'Bro.'

ARTICLE 109

When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.

ARTICLE 110

If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.

You and your Bros will undoubtedly face many seemingly insurmountable challenges on your quest to score a one-night stand. Here are some techniques to make them mountable.

TROUBLESHOOTING THE ONE-NIGHT STAND

PROBLEM / FIX

I forgot her name / Have a Bro introduce himself and listen closely. Note: Choose your ugliest Bro.

She rejected my drink offer / Offer her breakfast in bed as an alternative. If she doesn't acquiesce, say you were kidding.

She's having a girls' night out / Identify and target the reason for the girls' night out — the recently dumped chick

The lights came on — she's ugly / Squint hard. If she asks what you're doing, say you forgot your glasses or you're just deeply concerned about the environment or something

ARTICLE 111

If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.

ARTICLE 112

A Bro doesn't sing along to music in a bar.

EXCEPTION: A Bro may participate in karaoke.

EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: No chick songs.

ARTICLE 113

A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.

ACCEPTABLE AGE-DIFFERENCE FORMULA

x <= y/2 + 7

x = chick's age; y — Bro's age

This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting it on in his adjustable bed.

AGE-DIFFERENCE REFERENCE CHART (for your wallet)

ARTICLE 114

If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

ARTICLE 115

A 'clothing optional' beach doesn't really mean 'clothing optional' for Bros.

ARTICLE 116

A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro's chances to score with a chick.

Every Bro is endowed with a right to life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty recognized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.