The Bro Code

I shall honor and respect the dibs system.

ARTICLE 79

At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he's not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.[12]

COROLLARY: If a Bro's date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited (if he wishes to sleep with her ever again) before scurrying to the bar to join the garter Bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots.

ARTICLE 80

A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle[13], short of completing the tricycle himself

RULES FOR RIDING THE TRICYCLE

1. The aggregate age of all three participants shall not exceed eighty-three years.

2. The aggregate weight of all three participants shall be less than 400 pounds/181.44 kg.

3. No money or other considerations may be exchanged for services rendered.

4. Pregnant women shall consult with their physician before riding the tricycle.

5. No wheel of the tricycle shall be within three branches of another's family tree.

6. No black-soled sneakers.

7. Female participants shall refrain from destroying the illusion that this is new to them.

8. Kitchen appliances and other electrical devices are strictly forbidden.

9. Participants must shower before riding the tricycle, and definitely after.

ARTICLE 81

A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.

ARTICLE 82

If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to 'take it back' or 'apologize' to make amends.

That's inhuman.

ARTICLE 83

A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever 'love' thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

EXCEPTIONS

• Co-worker is an eight or better

• You are co-worker's superior

• Co-worker dresses a little slutty

• Getting fired from job not such a bad thing

• Company recently sued for sexual harassment — unlikely to happen again

• Someone makes a bet that you can't

• I You are switching floors soon

• You and co-worker get stuck in elevator

• You hit the emergency button and get 'stuck' in the elevator with co-worker

• Co-worker going to be fired, or soon will be, after you sabotage co-worker's files

• You mixed it up with co-worker before becoming co-workers

• Co-worker hits on you

• You are in a little bit of a rut, romantically speaking

• Co-worker going through divorce

• Co-worker looking pretty good lately

• Co-worker not offended when you 'accidentally' email provocative pictures of self to office

ARTICLE 84

A Bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die Hard if it's on TV.

COROLLARY: Ditto The Shawshank Redemption.

COROLLARY: Also Top Gun, The Big Lebowski, and the first half of Full Metal Jacket.

COROLLARY: And porn. Duh.

ARTICLE 85

When a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.

COROLLARY: His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they're whistling at.

ARTICLE 86

When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale