The Bro Code

ARTICLE 126

In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no- no.

PRE-STRIP CLUB CHECKLIST

□ Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency.

□ Hid ATM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare 'twins' scenario.

□ Got drunk.

□ Planted fake 'movie producer' business cards on person where they might 'accidentally' fall out into cleavage of dancer(s).

□ Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, Hepatitia, and Thunder.

□ Turned off heat/AC in apartment, saving both utility costs and the environment.

□ Not wearing jeans.

□ Read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you're going to see.

ARTICLE 127

A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying 'I love you, man' to all his Bros.

MAC — Memory Assistance and/or Correction — often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially.

Halloween is a time when Bros are especially susceptible to memory loss due to the lethal combination of abundant sweet things, liquor, and of course, candy. In fact, one year I awoke with four new phone numbers but no idea who gave them to me. Fortunately, based on the times I saved the numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I wore at the party the night before, 1 was able to create a logic matrix.

I dressed up as a Viking, a ninja, Teddy Roosevelt, and of course my old standby, Gandhi, and in each costume I picked up a different chick: a slutty nun, a slutty Cinderella, a slutty slut, and a slutty some-kind-of- creature with ears and a tail.

To work the puzzle, put an 'X' in the box when you've ruled it out based on the clues. For example, Clue 1 says I didn't wake up in my ninja costume, so the Ninja/2:21 am box is already crossed out. Hint; Some clues will allow you to put an 'X' in more than one box.

WHAT I REMEMBERED

1. I didn't wake up in my ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.

2. The slutty slut was gone by November 1, so she missed my scrumptious Gandhi… she too would go hungry.

3. Both Cinderella and the nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into my Viking costume.

4. When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my 'big stick.' Politically speaking of course — I was dressed as Teddy Roosevelt.

5. I got Cinderella's number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight.

ARTICLE 128

A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it's preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code… half naked from the waist up, naturally.

ARTICLE 129

If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.

ARTICLE 130

If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.

ARTICLE 131

While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car's ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he'll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.

ARTICLE 132

If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancee and results in a 'no sex' penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.

A bride thinks of her wedding day as the happiest day of her life, A groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest: his marriage signifies the death of Broing out with his Bros. But there's a simple way for the groom to send his Bros out with a bang… bridesmaids.

Squeezed into ugly identical dresses, bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. Studies have shown that a cocktail of jealousy, Bros in formal wear, and well, cocktails make a bridesmaid one of the most accessible chicks on the planet.