The Bro Code

ARTICLE 133

A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.

EXCEPTION: 'Pull my finger.'

ARTICLE 134

A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.

Since the dawn of man, Bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome, one wink could summon a dozen hotties to your side. I'm speaking, of course, about the

wingwoman. Think of it — if your wingman already knows what women want to hear, isn't that an advantage far greater than having a lot of money, a full head of hair, or even a speedboat? Yes, and the best part is that wingwomen do exist. To acquire one, though, you'll need to overcome the sexist misconceptions that so often scare chicks away from helping Bros bang other chicks.

THE WINGWOMAN: TRUE OR FALSE?

A wingwoman has to pee too much. False A chick's bladder is smaller but easier to control. How else can a theaterful of chicks sit through The Lake House?

A wingwoman never buys drinks. True But your expenses are offset by other dudes buying her drinks.

A wingwoman is distracted by gossip. False What Bros see as just high-pitched prattle, women read as a complex discussion held secretly in body language.

A wingwoman will seem like my girlfriend. True But nothing attracts women more than a dude with a girlfriend.

ARTICLE 135

If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

ARTICLE 136

When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested 'It was okay.'

COROLLARY: A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin.

ARTICLE 137

When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.

THE PIZZA EQUATION

p = number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer)

b = number of Bros (including yourself)

Equation assumes Bro hunger coefficient (h):

m = gravitational mass of the Bro

Δt = time elapsed since Bro last ate

Equation assumes no hunger rate of change, which is fully expressed in Stinson's Pizza Integral:

ARTICLE 138

A real Bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.

EXCEPTION: Unless he doesn't know the guy.

ARTICLE 139

Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, 'Broadway' begins with 'Bro'

ARTICLE 140

A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.

THE LEMON LAW

The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator's time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you're out the door.

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS DATE IS OVER

IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LEMON LAW