got to survive him; and tom orrow find a w ay out; away from
here. He comes in; he’s Pedro or Jo e or Juan; he swaggers,
touches everything, there’s not much left he notes with
humor; he wants me to cook him dinner; he finds m y knife; he
keeps it; he keeps saying what he’ll do to me with it; I cook; he
drinks; he eats; he keeps talking; he brags; he talks about the
gang, keeps threatening me, what he’ll do to me, what they’ll
do to me, aspects o f lovemaking the gang would also enjoy
and maybe he’ll just let them in now or there’s time after,
they’re waiting, right outside, maybe he’ll call them in but
they can come back tom orrow night too, there’s time, no need
to w orry, nice boys in the gang, a little rough but I’ll enjoy
them, w o n ’t I? Then he’s ready; he’s excited himself; he’s even
fingered him self and rubbed himself. Like the peace boys he
talks with his legs spread wide open, his fingers lightly
caressing his cock, the denim pulled tight, exerting its own
pressure. He goes to the bed and starts to undress and he runs
one hand through the hair on his chest and he holds the knife in
the other hand, he fingers the knife, he rubs his thumb over it
and he caresses it and he keeps talking, seductive talk about
how good he is and how good the knife is and I’m going to like
them both and he’s got a cross on a chain around his neck and it
glistens in his hair, it’s silver and his skin is tawny and his hair
on his chest is black and curly and thick and it shines and I’m
staring at it thinking it shouldn’t be there, the shiny cross, I am
having these highly moral thoughts against the blasphemy o f
the cross on his chest, I think it is w rong and concentrate on
the im m orality o f wearing it now, doing this, w hy does he
wear it, what does it mean, his shirt is o ff and his pants are
coming o ff and he is rapturous with the knife in his hand and I
look at the cross and I look at the knife and I think they are both
for me, he will hold the knife, maybe I can touch the cross, I
will try to touch it all through and maybe it will be something
or mean something or I w o n ’t feel so frightened, so alone in
this life now, and I think I will just touch it, and there’s him,
there’s the cross, there’s the knife, and I’m under them and I
don’t know, I will never remember, the hours are gone, blank,
a tunnel o f nothing, and I’m naked, the bell rings, it’s light
outside so it’s been five hours, six, there’s a knock on the door,
insistent knocking, he says don’t answer it, he says don’t
move, he holds the knife against me, just under m y skin, the
tip just under it, and I try to fight for m y life, I say it’s a friend
who expects me to be here and will not go away and I will have
to answer the door and I w on’t say anything and I w on’t tell or
say anything bad, I will just go to the door to tell m y friend to
