"No, you didn't."
"Oh, believe me, I did."
"You remember, that night at Jaimie's house.You knew I was interested in you. You, I um, well, I never wouldhave let you kiss me if I had known that you were not, well,whatever. I thought it meant something. I thought I meantsomething. And then, WHAM, you and Jaimie are together."
"Liza, what you were interested in, it was justkids' stuff."
"I know it was kids' stuff, but it was theprinciple. I was just sixteen, and I thought it was the wholeworld. I didn't know any better. Obviously, I'd been interested inguys before who wouldn't give me the time of day, but you weredifferent. You seemed interested. You let me think you were, atleast. And then, as soon as I leave, you're with Jaimie. Whathappened that night? How did you go from me to her? Why did you gofrom me to her?"
"I couldn't have you, so I let you go before Ireally did something bad to you."
"What do you mean, you couldn't have me?Couldn't you tell I liked you?"
Jack hung his head, staring at his hands thatwere clasped on the table. "I wasn't good enough for you. I wouldhave just ruined your life."
"As opposed to now."
"See? Still fucked it up."
"How would you have ruined my life backthen?"
"I would have broken your heart."
"You did that anyway." She gave him ahalf-smile.
"No, I didn’t really. You got over me prettyquickly, I seem to remember. It would have been a million timesworse. I would have made you love me. I would have taken your love,your virginity, your innocence and sweetness. And I would not havegiven you anything back. I would have taken it all for myself, justas my innocence was taken from me." He splayed his hands on thetable. "I was so angry. So cynical. I felt infallible. Until I metyou. But I didn’t deserve someone so good. So pure. So unaware ofthe cruelties in the world. I wasn't good enough for you. You wereso sweet, so fresh. Shy but friendly. You were so cute, trying toflirt. You were immediately infatuated with me."
"Jeez, was it that obvious?"
"Yes, yes it was. Oh, God and I loved it.Everything about you. How you would hesitate coming into a room andthen cross the room like you owned it. How your hair had that wildlook that was polar opposite to your neat clothing."
"Damn perm."
"I was a boy with only a brother, so I knewnothing of perms. I thought those curls were real until I saw youin college. Even at the prom, I wished you had left your hair down.I wanted to run my fingers through it. But no, it was allshellacked into place. I've never gotten over that one."
"Sorry to disappoint you. And boy was itshellacked. It didn't move for like three days."
They fell silent for a minute. Then, in a smallvoice, slowly meeting his gaze she said, "What else?"
"You kept your eyes downcast a lot, but whenyou would finally meet my gaze, it gave me such a rush. Your eyeswere so bright and full of life. That's how I knew when you came tomy door that something was terribly wrong. There was no light leftin your eyes. And when I saw you dressed in your own clothes—it waspitiful. You had given up on yourself."
"You said that to me. You said I needed to takebetter care of myself and stop dressing so frumpy. It was funny,you know? After that weekend, even when I still didn't know what Iwas doing, I started taking better care of myself. I started caringabout myself again."
"I know. I could see it in thepictures."
"Yeah, about that. I think that was the mostdisturbing part of the book."
"The most disturbing? I had you pegged wrong."He was amused.
She blushed a deep scarlet and was silent."A-ha. I knew the graphic nature would be too much for you." Jackhad a smug look on his face.
"I, um, well," she stammered. She cleared herthroat and tried again. "It's not that I've never read that kind ofstuff before, but it is different knowing someone wants to do thatto you. But I don't like how Ben treats Nellie. She's weak andspineless, and basically lets him boss her around. It borders onabusive."
"Hits a little too close to home,huh?"
That ruffled her feathers. "No, I, uh, Imean—shit."
"But you failed to see her growth. Yes, Ben washer dom and ordered her to perform on demand and to his exactspecifications. But didn't you see how she blossomed. Some peopleneed that kind of relationship to allow them to take control inother ways. I was completely and totally thinking of you when Iwrote the book, no doubt about it. But not in the way most people,including you, are thinking. I saw Nellie as a lost soul, who haslost total control over everything, so she grasps at straws,controlling all the minutia instead. But the worst part is eventhough she's running the show at home, she has so little controlover her husband that she has to make him think he's runningit."
"Isn't that what you'd call topping from thebottom?"
"Exactly. You're a quick learner." He winked ather and continued, "She has to be responsible and organized and incharge, but her husband neither sees it nor appreciates it. Butthat's not what she wants. She wants someone to take theresponsibility, to ease her burden. To share her load, not add toit. When she gives in and lets Ben take charge, she is muchhappier. Outside of the bedroom ..."
"It seems like it all happened outside thebedroom," Elizabeth said snidely. "Seriously, who has sex thatoften and in public like that?"
"Well, I have to sell books too, you know.It is fiction. Anyway,outside of the physical part, Nellie is able to grow and figure outwhat she needs from her partner. Yes, she was sexually dominated.But that's all right. It allowed her to let go, and become a morewell rounded person, instead of being a martyr."
"And you think that's how I am."
"I know that's how you are. You are lost andadrift. I'm not saying that you're looking for a BDSM relationship,but I think you need someone
