CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: September 2,2012
On the drive home from Jack's, Elizabeth hadbeen even more confused. She never did make it to Susan's house.She turned around and headed home. The home she had shared withPeter for more than ten years now. It was hard to be mad at Jack.It was hard not to be mad at him. She was still livid that heinvaded her privacy. No doubt about it, she felt violated by theintrusion. The community's reaction was a further violation. No onebelieved her. Or in her. She felt like she was the victim of asexual assault who had to defend herself for wearing a shortskirt.
Sexual assault. Jack's confidence that he hadbeen abused was a big one. She was almost sure that was notsomething he talked about often or openly. She wondered if Nancyknew. It had obviously damaged him. How could it not? That, incombination with a shitty father, had left Jack a little morescrewed up than the average teenage male. He claimed to have madepoor choices, but he really felt he was doing right by Elizabethback then. He had not pursued a relationship when she was sixteen,not because he didn't want to, but because he did. A teenager oftenlacks the insight to think about how his or her actions mightaffect someone else, but Jack stopped and thought about what itwould do to her. His intent was noble. The results, not somuch.
Elizabeth had always lacked self-confidence.Agnes saw to that. When she thought that Jack might possibly beinterested in her, her confidence soared. She felt better aboutherself. Jack's rejection and betrayal deflated that. It causedElizabeth to accept whatever guy came her way, whether he wasworthy or not. Most of the time, not. She had slept with the nextguy she became serious with, determined never to be too innocentagain. The fact that she always held Jack at arm's length was herpitiful attempt to prove how much his rejection didn’t matter toher. Looking back, she was sure she was obviouslytransparent.
Elizabeth had always wondered why guys didn'toften seem attracted to her. Perhaps it was this lack of faith inherself that was repelling to members of the opposite sex. Thinkingback, Elizabeth wondered if she had been attracted to Peter, or tothe attention he paid her. That his consideration validated her. Ifhe noticed her, then she must be worthwhile. If Elizabeth had onlyknown that the attention would wane once they were married, perhapsshe would not have let Agnes convince her that no one better waslikely to come along.
If this was the case, did she and Peteractually have any basis on which to re-build their marriage? Wasthere a foundation to be salvaged underneath all the rubble? Didshe want that? What did Peter have to offer her anymore? But thatwas the one question she knew the answer to. He was her children'sfather. He provided a two-parent home and stability for the kids.Could she really deprive her children of that, just to meet her ownneeds? Elizabeth didn't think that she could. No one could everreplace Peter in that sense. If he was willing to work on theirmarriage, then perhaps she should be as well.
Her week alone went quickly. She was alone withher thoughts, which could be her best friend and worst enemy at thesame time. Elizabeth tried to bury herself into getting herclassroom ready so she would not have to think about her marriage,or lack thereof, or about Jack. She still didn't know how to feel.She only knew that Jack made her feel. But feeling let in the goodand the bad.
He made her angry. He made her nostalgic. Hemade her cry. He made her laugh. He hurt her. He made her feelhappiness. He made her feel beautiful and sensual and desired. Sheknew she should not feel those things. Then Elizabeth pondered ifshe was feeling the attraction because Jack was actually giving herthe attention that she so desired. Perhaps it was a repeat of Peterall over again. Mistaking attraction to the attention forattraction to the person giving the attention.
Elizabeth was so lost and confused, she evenwent to church, looking for answers. She had drifted away from herstaunch Catholic upbringing while in college. It was hard toparticipate in drinking and debauchery on Saturday night, and thenattend church on Sunday morning. It was the one area in whichElizabeth openly defied Agnes, and it was a source of never-endinggrief and ridicule as far as Elizabeth was concerned. Even if shewanted to resume participation in the Church, she simply could notgive her mother that satisfaction. Elizabeth certainly did not tellAgnes she was going, and she went to a church that Agnesspecifically did not care for and did not attend.
Sitting there, listening to the reading,Elizabeth prayed for strength and guidance. She didn't believe thatreligion, that God, worked on a bartering system. The CatholicChurch often extolled the virtue of the saints, and Agnes had asaint for every cause. But Elizabeth didn't believe that simplypraying to one saint or another was enough to grant her everydesire. She remembered that St. Jude was the patron saint of lostcauses, and that St. Rita was the patron saint of the impossible.Should she pray to them? She certainly felt lost, and that gettingher life back on track would be nothing short of impossible. Butshe was fairly certain a prayer or two would neither be enough, norcould it hurt, not that she believed that it worked likethat.
Elizabeth tried to make her mind focus on whatthe lector was saying. It was a reading from the Book of Hebrews.The first line struck a chord, resonating with Elizabeth. "Faith isthe realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things notseen." Throughout the rest of the day, she could not stop thinkingabout that statement. Elizabeth knew she should feel terrible thatshe had broken her marriage vows with another man. She wasunfaithful in a tangible way. And not that this was a tit-for-tator a keeping
