The next day was…the worst. Elias was clearly uncomfortable, and I tried to overcompensate by being too enthusiastic about everything. By the time we were headed back to the hotel, I was mentally wrung out and so jumpy I had to grip the edge of my seat to keep from yelping any time we hit a dip in the road. Yohannes and Abraham had asked us to drop them off in the center of town so they could do some shopping, leaving Elias and me alone in the Cruiser. I looked at him as he drove, his face stark and unhappy. He’d been giving bemused looks all day, and barely spoke to me as we drove through the villages we were surveying.
I couldn’t blame him for looking confused. I hardly knew what I was doing, and kept behaving like an asshole. He’d told me he would back off, gave me what I wanted, and that only made me even more miserable. Every cordial word he directed my way, every respectful question put me on edge, but now that I’d started this I didn’t know how to take it all back. And what was more, I still thought it was for the best, no matter how fucked-up it made me feel.
I took a deep breath as we drove and decided I was going to make conversation like a fucking human being, because I was sick of this shit. “Saba asked me to tell you she wants to get your opinion about her new project.”
He gave me a startled look, his eyes widening in disbelief. “Really?”
“Yes, really. I’ll send you her number. That way you can contact her directly.”
“Thank you.” He looked over at me, his handsome face tense, but didn’t say more.
I scrambled for other things to talk about, trying to ward off the awkward silences that kept sucking the oxygen from the space between us. “Did you get a chance to rest before you had to drive down here?”
He shrugged but kept looking at the road. “Yes. The last day I was there, my dad was better and my mom was home, so I slept. It was nice having time at home with her. Family’s hard sometimes, but they’re my people.” He sighed then, and it sounded so heavy. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but when he did speak it was like he was talking to my soul. “It’s hard to know sometimes where their expectations end, and my own happiness begins.”
I looked at his profile. He seemed so worried, so exhausted. I was tempted to just mouth off some platitude to make him feel better, but tried for honesty instead. I at least owed him that.
“My mom was so fragile after my dad died. I stayed in Ithaca for college because I couldn’t put her go through losing me too. After I graduated, I let her push me to work in humanitarian relief. She thought it would be a great way to honor my dad, and in some ways I did too.”
I bit my lip, mortified at voicing something I’d hardly let myself think about. “Like by doing the same work he did, I’d feel closer to him somehow. I never even considered another career.” I lifted a shoulder, feigning levity I didn’t feel. “It’s so funny because my dad was a free spirit, man. He did whatever the fuck he wanted. I don’t think he’d be very impressed with me.”
Elias shook his head, seemingly unhappy with my comment. This time he did turn to look at me, his eyes serious. “Don’t say that. You’re a good man, Desta. Brave.”
I wanted to scoff or dismiss his words, but I let him finish.
“It’s not an easy thing to turn your back on the dreams the people you love have for you. Sometimes the hardest choices are between living for yourself and fulfilling the hopes they have for you.”
He paused, and after a moment spoke in a voice filled with ache. “There have been many times when I’ve asked myself if seeing pride light up my mother’s eyes is more important than letting her know who I really am.” His face looked so grim in that moment, resigned. “It hurts to know it’s only a matter of time before I put it out, but I’m so tired of hiding.”
I didn’t know what to say. This was not where I thought the conversation would go and I was feeling completely out of my depth. Elias was not out to his mother—the secret was hurting him. But I also didn’t want to be the reason he rushed this or made any rash decisions. I wasn’t sure I was worth it.
I turned my face to look out the window, trying to think how to answer. “None of these things are easy, Elias. Why do we have to be responsible for the light in anyone’s eyes? Is it even fair to put that burden on us?” I pressed my cheek to the glass and closed my eyes. “It all makes me so tired, you know?”
After a moment, I felt his hand squeeze mine for a second. I stiffened but didn’t pull away. If he noticed, he didn’t say.
Chapter 20
The rest of the week flew by. The new survey area was not as populated as the first one, so we had to travel long distances between sites, which meant a lot of time in the car. I spent hours talking with Abraham and Yohannes, with Elias’s help. I asked how they thought the families were answering questions, or what else we could do to make them more responsive or at ease.
Elias was extremely efficient in keeping the communication flowing, but after a couple of days he had completely stopped any attempts at more private conversations with me. He was polite and professional, but he
