Now that I was here, all the carefully-formed thoughts had flown right out of my head.
“You know, I’ve really liked seeing you again,” I said. And, remembering Sam’s lips on mine, my cheeks flamed red. “Maybe too much,” I admitted. I hoped it wasn’t just me!
Surprise flashed across Sam’s face. It wasn’t there for very long. That seemed like a good sign. My words hadn’t shocked Sam, hadn’t been something he wasn’t at least a little prepared to hear.
“I’ve really liked seeing you again, too,” he told me gently. “Maybe,” Sam added. “A bit too much.” The words made my heart skip a beat, but of course, Sam had been there, too for that kiss. He busied himself by making us both some tea. I knew him well enough to tell that there was a bit of nervousness there.
In a way, it was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one feeling nervous.
When he turned back, setting a cup in front of me. “So, you’re here to tell me that you’ve liked seeing me? Or that you’ve liked seeing me too much?”
My stomach churned with anxiety. But I couldn’t lie to Sam. The whole point of coming here had been to have a grown-up conversation. The kind we’d never quite managed at twenty.
“I came here to say that… even though I have liked seeing you, nothing has changed, Sam.”
The words dropped heavily from my lips, unyielding in how true they were.
“You live in Utah. I live here. Neither of us is willing to give up our career. And neither of us should have to.”
Even if kissing Sam felt like nothing I’d experienced in all the years since.
“Yeah,” Sam agreed. That hurt so unexpectedly and so sharply. I didn’t want him to agree! I wanted him to insist that we could make things work, that maybe this would be different. Or maybe, I just wanted him to say all the things Sam hadn’t said ten years ago. All the things, I hadn’t said either.
He gave a small shrug. “I thought I’d gotten over you, Helena,” Sam told me gently. “And in a way, I think I was. Am? Anyway. Ten years is enough time to get over someone, no matter how much you imagined your future with them. But seeing you again, I... It’s reminded me not only of all the reasons I fell in love with you but also of all the new reasons to fall in love with you.”
That sounded like nonsense. How could Sam be reminded of new reasons? But I knew exactly what he meant. I, too, had discovered new reasons to fall for Sam. Even if I wasn’t willing to put it quite so bluntly.
“But I still can’t tie my life to where you live.” Sam knew that, I could see it in his eyes and the way he kept a strict distance away from me.
It was like being twenty all over again, only worse. I had ten years of experience that showed me there was no one more compatible with me than Sam was. But those same ten years had built a life for me that couldn’t be picked up and moved whenever Sam’s contract changed.
“It would be one thing if you knew you would stay in Utah for another ten years.” Part of me hoped that, maybe, Sam could say that was likely. Maybe I could move for him once.
“You shouldn’t move for me,” Sam told me, shaking his head. “You have a life here, you have your work here, it would be unfair for me to even think about taking those things from you.” And while I didn’t quite agree that he would be taking something from me, I could understand what he meant. It just all seemed so hopeless! We both wanted this. But then, we’d both wanted it ten years ago, too.
Nothing had truly changed and that felt awful.
Sam sighed softly. “And I can’t move for you. We’re back where we started. Neither of us willing to uproot our lives. Nor should we. Maybe it’s just not for us? Maybe we’re not for us?”
I didn’t want that to be true. But it was hard to see any way around it. I felt tears prickle at my eyes again, scalding the tops of my cheeks before I dashed them away.
“I tried to find a way,” I confided. “Ten years ago, I tried to see any way that I could take the bar exam over and over again. And I just couldn’t.”
It had always been a fear of mine that Sam had seen that as selfish.
The next thing I knew, Sam was right there. His big hand cupping my cheek, thumb wiping away the tears that hadn’t had a chance to fall. “I know you did,” Sam promised. “You did more than I could,” he added. Before I could object to that, before I could say that this hadn’t been Sam’s choice any more than it had been mine, his lips were against mine.
My body melted against his. It was impossible to pull back, not that I wanted to. What I wanted was to kiss Sam back. To enjoy the way his body felt so hard against mine. One of his hands settled against my hip, pulling me in closer.
Kissing Sam felt perfect in a way that nothing else ever had. Ten years had been enough time to get over him, maybe even enough time to forget how perfectly his lips fit against mine. But just one kiss from him was more than enough to remind me.
I felt it to the deepest reaches of my soul. More than anything, I wanted to know Sam felt the same way.
Pressing my body to his, I wrapped my arms around his neck. My fingers caught in the
