“Jazmin, wait.”
I didn’t linger to hear what else he had to say on the matter but hightailed it out of there, running towards the front door as if one of Alaska’s critters was chasing me.
I burst through the doorway, planning on heading up to my bedroom so I could be alone, but the entire family was at the dining room table playing a board game, and they all turned to look at me expectantly.
“How did it go, sweetie?” Mom asked, a pleasant smile on her face. “Sabrina told us you were out-bid, but you were able to go out with Clay, anyway.”
I glanced at Sabrina, and she was smiling from ear-to-ear. Hunter was sitting next to her, his arm around her shoulders, and it looked as if he’d never let her go. As if he knew exactly how lucky he was to be marrying the love of his life. I was so happy for them—I really was—but it hurt to know I would never have that. At least, not with Clay. Maybe with someone who already had children, but my heart rebelled against the idea of being with any other man.
No one else had made me feel as cherished and as loved as he had...until tonight. No, I wouldn’t blame him for what happened. There was nothing wrong with wanting children to carry on your DNA, not to mention, I’d surprised him with my news. I didn’t fault him for not knowing what to say, but it still hurt. I pressed my lips together as if the act could hold all the emotions inside, but I knew better. Feelings had a way of manifesting themselves if they weren’t dealt with properly, but at this moment, I didn’t want anyone to know what I was going through.
“You should have seen Clay,” Sabrina said. “During the auction, he kept looking over at Jazmin like she was the moon and the stars and everything beautiful about this world. He’s completely smitten with her.”
Her words unknowingly bruised me on the inside, and I swallowed hard.
Mom grinned and rubbed her palms together. “This is so exciting. We’ve got a wedding ahead of us for Sabrina and Hunter and then who knows what the future holds.” She winked at me.
“Yes, very exciting.” It took all my energy to say the words as if I meant them. I would have to tell them what happened eventually, but I didn’t have it in me to do it tonight, not when they all looked so happy for me. It felt as if my heart would rupture at any moment. Like someone was squeezing it so hard it would burst, the explosion rendering a mess of mangled blood and flesh.
No matter what occurred, I refused to let my bad choices affect Sabrina. She and Hunter were on cloud nine, and I wasn’t about to put a damper on their evening.
“Don’t just stand there,” Sabrina said, laughing. “Come join us.”
More than anything, I wanted to run upstairs and hide in my room before Sabrina joined me later. I needed a place to think and pray and collect myself, but if I did that, Sabrina might suspect something was wrong and come after me. That was the last thing she should be doing. This was a joyful time for her, and I didn’t want to ruin it.
Relaxing the tight muscles of my face, I put on a happy expression, pretending everything was okay. I had to do this for Sabrina.
“Sure, I’d love to. What are you all playing?”
Chapter 9
Clay
I didn’t listen to the radio on the drive back to my cabin. I was still reeling from the news Jazmin gave me at dinner and escaping into music would not help the situation. There had to be a solution to this problem, a way for Jazmin to have children, and if there was, I would find it.
Maybe there was a medical procedure that could be done, or she could take a supplement that would make everything right. I knew how ridiculous that seemed, but I’d seen ads for that type of thing and couldn’t let go of the possibility.
When I got home, I put a few logs into the woodstove and then changed into more comfortable clothing. I plopped down on the couch and laid my head in my hands. When I’d dropped her off at the house and we’d parted ways, my chest ached something fierce, but now I just felt numb.
Why Lord? All my life I’ve looked forward to one thing: having a family of my own to make up for the loneliness of my childhood. All these years I waited for the right woman, and when I finally find her, she reveals she can’t have children. How am I supposed to deal with this? I can’t walk away from her, but I want my own children so badly I feel sick about it.
The rest of the evening, I sat in front of the woodstove, my Bible opened on my lap, but I barely registered the words as I read, a restless, irritable feeling sweeping through me. It was as if someone had given me a puzzle, and I had to find a way to make all the oddly shaped pieces fit together.
But they just didn’t fit.
I wanted Jazmin, and I wanted my own biological children.
But I couldn’t have both.
***
The next day I had this urgent sense that I needed to make things right immediately or I might lose her. I called Jazmin to talk, but she wouldn’t answer her phone. I left a message to call me, but when three hours passed and she hadn’t returned my call yet, I decided it was time to
