I got there around noon, and it looked as if everyone was still home. Before I even reached the front door, Hunter opened it and smiled wide. “Hey, Clay, what’s up?”
I wasn’t surprised to see him there. Basically, he was wherever Sabrina was, and I could tell the two of them were eager to get married soon. They wouldn’t have much longer to wait, and I envied both of them for that. “Came by to talk to Jazmin. Is she here?”
“Yep. She and Sabrina were just making sandwiches for lunch. Come on in.” He chuckled. “I feel funny telling you to come in when it’s your house.”
I laughed. “I’m glad everyone can make use of it, but I don’t want to intrude.”
“You could never do that, man.”
I stepped in and had a seat on the couch while Hunter went in search of Jazmin. A few minutes later, she walked out, her hands twisting in front of her, dark circles under her eyes. It looked as if she hadn’t slept well, and I hated to think that she might have lost sleep over this whole thing.
“Hey,” I said, standing. “I was wondering if you’d take a walk with me.”
“Oh, I um…” She glanced over her shoulder in the direction of the kitchen. “I’m helping Sabrina make sandwiches for everyone.”
“It won’t take long. Just a short one.”
She still looked uncertain, so I took a step closer and lowered my voice. “I don’t like the way we left things yesterday. Please, Jazmin. Give me a few minutes of your time.”
She breathed out heavily and nodded reluctantly. “Okay, let me help her finish up and then I’ll go with you.” She disappeared for a few minutes and then returned, grabbing a coat from the closet near the front door. We stepped outside, the cold air hitting us at once.
“There’s a small path behind the house.” I handed her two heat packs to put in her pockets to keep her hands warm. “Thank you for agreeing to walk with me.”
She smiled weakly and nodded. “Of course.” There was pain in her eyes, and I wanted to take it away, but I had a feeling only God could heal her heart.
We walked around the house and found the small path parallel to the backyard. Several minutes passed before either of us said anything.
She finally broke the ice. “I still can’t get used to you without a beard and long hair. You’re the same man but…different.”
I ran a hand over my jaw. “When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself.” We continued walking while I searched for the right words to say. I cleared my throat. “I was doing a lot of thinking and praying last night…and reading the Word.”
Jazmin glanced at me and nodded. “Yeah?”
“I came upon 1 John 5:14-15. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.”
I let her think about that for a long moment before I spoke again. “If we pray and ask for God to open your womb, I believe He can.”
Jazmin pursed her lips and looked straight ahead, and I sensed her shutting down. “I’m not saying it’s not possible. God can do anything.” Her shoulders tensed. “But that doesn’t mean it’s His will for me to have a baby. It may be that He wants me to learn contentment, to trust Him despite what He hasn’t given me.” Her voice wobbled, and the emotion in the air was palpable.
I didn’t know what to say to that. It was logical and true, but it wasn’t the answer I was looking for. I wanted her to believe it was possible like I did. Together we could make this work, but only if we were on the same page.
“Have you ever done research on fertility?” I asked. “I’ve heard of women taking supplements that helped—”
“Stop.” Jazmin halted in her tracks and looked at me, a fire in her eyes warning me to be careful. “Please don’t do this.”
“I’m just trying to think of a solution.” I stepped closer to take her hand, but she pulled away.
“There is no solution,” she said, loudly, using air quotes, her tone frustrated and hurt. “If there was, I would take it.”
“Maybe there’s something out there you aren’t aware of.”
“There is no easy fix to this problem. People pay tens of thousands of dollars to fertility clinics and much of the time they still don’t get pregnant. I just can’t go through that. The hoping. The waiting.” Her voice broke. “Obsessing over every detail.” She shook her head vehemently. “I’m not getting any younger. If I were in my twenties or thirties that would be different.”
We continued walking, the snowy countryside on our left, the woods on our right, the sky above filled with whitish gray clouds. It was beautiful. Breathtaking even. But I felt sick to my stomach.
“I’ve waited a long time to find someone like you, Jazmin, and now that I’ve found you, I can’t give up.” My breath hitched as we continued to amble down the path. “I love you.” I took her hand and stopped walking so she could look me in the eye and see how much. “I’m so in love with you that it’s ripping me apart to see you upset.” I brushed my knuckles against her cheek and grimaced. “I want us to conquer this.”
She bit down on her lower lip, her shoulders drooping, her eyes welling with tears. “I love you too, Clay, and that’s exactly why I have to put an end to this. You want your own biological children. You’ve made that very
