“That’s… Wow… I have no words.”
“Well, I do. Circle of life, Hakuna Matata, you’re a baboon, and I’m not —”
I interrupt him. “Is that from a BuzzFeed article on the best quotes from the Lion King?”
“Just remember who you are, Tessa.” He says in a mysterious voice, imitating the dead father of the cub in the movie. “Remember. Who. You. Are.”
Chapter Thirty
OLIVER
“You’re sure you’re going to be okay?” Anna asks for the thousandth time. I find her gaze in the mirror that I’m standing in front of so I can knot my tie and turn around to look at her.
Worry, unease and apprehension are written all over her face. So not like the sister I know.
She arrived last night to attend Elaine’s memorial.
It’s not what we had planned, but after I got kidnapped and roughed up a little, she needed to be here with me.
I needed her here with me.
Anna has been my rock more times than I have let her know over the years.
Even if I hide it a lot, I usually need her like someone visually impaired needs a walking stick.
Anna is the one who guides me and supports me when times are dark.
And she was right to think today would be a dark day in my life.
She was right to lie to me and tell me she wouldn’t come when we both knew she would. She didn’t plan this trip last minute, not with her husband’s mental health and the routine he needs.
Nonetheless, she’s here. Because that’s what we do for each other.
But strangely, after all I went through, after finding Tessa and almost dying, my eyes are open, and I ‘m fine with the idea of commemorating the life of the one I used to love.
Used to.
I believe the people you once loved always stay in your heart. Even more when they die when you’re still in love with them. But I’m not in love with Elaine anymore. I haven’t been for a long time.
Who I loved is a ghost who doesn’t exist.
Who I loved is my version of Elaine and not who she was.
Never who she really was.
“I’m glad you’re here sis, but I’m fine. I think it’s time to say a proper goodbye.”
I wasn’t able to the first time. I was too lost in my sorrows to mend my wounded heart. Too wrapped in my self-blame to really understand the pain of others or their cares. I acted like I was the only one who lost her. I was shattered and nothing could have held me together. Not even the soft arms of Sue or the hugs of Anna.
“It is,” she smiles. “I’m glad you’re finally ready. Mark has a lot to do with it I bet.” You can be older, wiser, married and still carry a little crush for one of your brother’s friends. She even blushes a little.
“I have nothing to do with that,” Mark says coming in between Anna and I while wrapping himself around her. I don’t think anything ever happened between them and I don’t want to know but seeing the promiscuity they share, I wouldn’t be surprised.
“I’m sure you did your part,” she beams and Mark winks at her.
“Flirty much for married people?” I interrupt.
“Mark is always flirty.” Anna retorts.
“And Anna always likes it.” Mark adds.
I pretend to ignore them.
“Look at that, someone doesn’t like his friend all over his sister…” Anna teases, “Do you realize you did the same thing that Mark and I just did with every one of my friends?”
“Everyone but one… I don’t flirt with overly married women,” I grumble.
“Yeah, strangely the only one who would have left her husband for you and has been hoping for a chance for years, this one you didn’t touch…”
Mark and Anna laugh as if they’re together on the joke of my love life. I turn back into the mirror and look at myself one more time. Checking that my tie is well knotted, that my hair falls perfectly, that I’m shaved adequately.
“I don’t think she’s going to be there, Le Pew. You don’t need to look your best.”
“Oh… Are we talking about the blue-haired girl?” Anna sniffs for details like a dog looking to take a piss.
“I’m not… Not for her… I’m…” Losing my fucking words. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes for a second. “I’m not doing it for Tessa. I know she won’t be there. She needs time and that’s fine. She hasn’t taken any of my calls nor has she come once to the hospital. I’m not dumb, I know what it means. I just want to look good for Elaine.” And yes in case Tessa decides to show, it can’t hurt to look my best. I fucking miss her and crave her understanding eyes on me. From all the people at the cemetery, she’ll be the only one really knowing what it means to say a proper goodbye, but I can’t ask her to do something she’s not ready or not willing to do.
It’s not about me.
It’s about her, and only her.
I’ve let her down enough times in a short period to respect her wish to have some space when she needs it. Even though the last time I thought she needed some space, she jumped out of bed and almost died.
My collar tightens up around my neck.
Heat rushes to my forehead.
Sweat beads on my temples.
What if… I don’t even have time to start thinking the worst when Anna rests her chin on my healthy arm and takes my hand.
“She’s fine, Ol. She might be scared to love you and to take the next step, but I’m sure she’s fine. Right Mark?” My eyes search frantically for confirmation on Mark’s face through the mirror. He nods. And I release the breath I was holding.
“Let’s go then,” I say in a shaky whisper. And without saying another word, I let Anna and Mark lead the way.
The cemetery is crowded. More than I thought it would be. I count
