I feel terrible for what I have to do. Walking away from him is the hardest thing, but I don’t see any happy ending in our story. There never was.
I’ve put him in greater danger than he can afford with having a son. He told me so the first time I’ve met him. My mother won’t stay away forever, and I could never forgive myself if anything would happen to him or Aito.
“Sorry,” I apologize, sitting in the car next to him. His face is still swollen and blue and I hurt knowing it’s all my fault.
Oliver is good at reading people and situations. His smile drops right away.
“There is nothing to be sorry about,” he says with a certain sadness in his voice. “This is it then?” I nod swallowing the lump of tears clogging my throat.
This is it.
This is the moment we say goodbye
The moment he goes back to his life and I go back to mine.
Alone.
“I…” I don’t know what to say. I had all my arguments ready but now I’m lost in an emerald mine. It’s obscure and shiny at the same time, his eyes brighten my heart but his sadness darkens my soul.
“I thought you being here meant you felt something for me. I was coming for you. I was coming to tell you that I love you, that I don’t hold you responsible for anything that happened.”
I close my eyes trying to avoid crying. I would prefer him to shut up, to tell me he hates me, to be angry at me. It would be so much easier. Unfortunately for my heart, he goes on, and I can’t stop him.
“You can’t choose who your parents are and what they do. I’ve been subjected to the indifference of mine all my life and I let it guide me when I was younger, I’ve let it go since I joined the navy. I wish you could let it go too, but I understand it’s soon, too soon.” I try to stop his words. Opening my mouth to apologize once more, but nothing comes out of me.
“Nevertheless, I’ve found in you a kind of love, support and understanding I know I will never have with someone else. We’re soulmates. We might not be a perfect fit—that’s not what I want—but you’re my mirror. You showed me everything that is holding me back, you showed me what I needed to do to change my life, to accept Elaine’s death and to love again. And we might have started our journey together not too long ago, but I don’t need years of dating and a long engagement to know I’m meant to spend my life with you. Look at me Tessa.” I open my eyes and brace myself for the words he’s going to deliver. The ones I know will make me want to run away with him, start everything new and forget my old life. But I’m determined to work through my grief, to be better and maybe then, later, to move on. Far from him and his son.
“Oliver,” I beg him, hoping he would stop but he shakes his head.
“Tessa, I never thought I would fall for someone else after Elaine died. But here I am. Totally and utterly in love with you. Loving you more than I ever thought possible. My heart mended when I thought it was forever broken. I just wished you felt the same.” His smile is sad and his eyes dejected.
I do. I want to scream. I do love him. But then what? We’re still at square one with nowhere to go. My life has been destroyed with a bulldozer, my career needs to be rebuilt, I’m still in therapy and my support system is here.
I’m petrified to start a life somewhere else without Quinn telling me what not to do. I’m petrified to love again and fail him when he’ll ask me to stop racing when it’s all I want.
“You’re more courageous and fearless than I am, Oliver. I can drive fast and face calculated danger, but I’m not sure I can risk my heart again. I’m not sure I can lose you.”
“Whatever happens between us, Tessa, I’ll be there for you. You have me forever. You can count on me. Whatever you need, I’ll have your back. I will always love you, my beautiful blue-haired girl. You need to understand that you’re part of my heart. Shit, you own my heart.” And mine shatters hearing so.
“Oliver, I can’t follow you.” I babble.
He takes my hand in his, like we did so many times when we didn’t need to say a word to understand each other. I know it’s still the case, but I also know I need to tell lies between us to be able to walk away from him, from us.
“So don’t!” He snaps with heat. “I would never ask you to follow me. I would never ask you to change who you are for me. I love you for who you are, not who you think I want you to become. You’re the one I want. And the woman I want is opinionated, a little reckless and a lot safe. We’ll figure out later how we can make it work. We can text, we have FaceTime, we have planes, we have emails. It’s not the 1990s anymore, we can have a long-distance romance or friendship or just relationship even thousands of miles away. All I’m saying is that I don’t want you out of my life, ever.”
Every one of his words fall heavily in the pit of my stomach. Fuck!
How could I ever let him go?
How could I walk away from him when he’s telling me not to change and that he’ll be there no matter what?
Silently, I sob. His hand comes up drying the tears falling down my cheeks and I lean in, his words creating an avalanche of regret. I wish I can change the path of
