Something about not being appreciated, something, something, something…
At the back of the van Larry still wailed for Rachel.
Qeezleyan had given up gnawing on Marco’s leg and was curled up in the footwell at the Sapphire Witch’s feet. Taking a nap, it looked like.
Hilario eased himself into the driver’s seat and put the van into gear. The van jolted forward. Immediately picked up speed going down the steep grade. He wrenched the wheel back and forth to avoid the rock he had so recently rested his posterior on.
He skidded the van around another switchback.
Hard enough that the Sapphire Witch and Odom the Paladin took notice.
And actually stopped arguing.
“What are you doing, clown?” the Sapphire Witch said.
“I’m going to find Rachel Sparrow, and then I’m going to save New Bedlam,” Hilario said.
Assuming he didn’t tumble the van down the canyon wall and into the river of lava.
A thought that seemed to occur to the Sapphire Witch, too.
“All you are going to find is your death if you don’t slow this vehicle,” she said.
“Ay, your chariot is not yet equipped for the fires of Phelegemon,” Odom said.
Hilario stomped the brake as another hairpin turn came up. Who had built this crazy road? Probably people who flew everywhere, because the road certainly wasn’t designed for a 1967 Ford Econoline van.
“Well, someone better get it ready,” he said, “Because we’re going to get down there sooner rather than later.”
“Do not dare to threaten us,” the Sapphire Witch, “We are gods compared to you. The fires of Phlegethon will not touch us.”
Odom coughed into his hand. “Speak for yourself, Lady Sapphire,” he said, “I would not wish the fires to touch my person. Nor would I think you wish for their touch either.”
She gave him a hateful look. “Any more than I would want your touch.”
Their make up had certainly been short lived.
Hilario skidded the van around another corner. The van’s engine chugged and rattled. The undercarriage creaked and squealed as the van bounced down the rough roadway.
“I think we’re supposed to be working together,” Hilario said, “Lady Sapphire, doesn’t Lady Alexandrite wish to save the city?”
The Sapphire Witch lapsed into sullen silence. She turned away from Odom and crossed her arms over her chest.
“And Master Odom,” Hilario said, “Though I do not know why you are here, I suspect you do not wish to have the lords of the dark places take the normal world?”
“Of course not, jester,” Odom said.
“Clown,” the Sapphire Witch said, “I told you he’s a clown. Why can you not get that through your thick skull?”
“Tell me the difference and perhaps I shall,” Odom said.
“You’re all fucking clowns,” Marco said, “Now let me go you big, metal gorilla.”
Odom pulled Marco close. Close enough that their faces almost touched.
“Call me that again, human,” he said.
Marco opened his mouth, seemingly in preparation to do just that. Hilario slammed the brakes.
The van skidded to a stop. Everyone looked at him. He jerked the gear selector into park and swiveled his seat around. He pointed a finger at the Sapphire Witch.
“You knew what was coming, but you sent me flying to a cemetery,” he said. He turned to Marco. “You need to stop talking and waving your gun around because you aren’t helping anyone.” He pointed his finger at Larry. “You still haven’t told me the truth about…pretty much everything.” He turned to Odom. “And you…why are you here? Because you’re not helping either.”
For a blissful moment there was silence.
Then they all started talking at once.
Hilario pulled a giant, foam rubber mallet from under his seat. It squeaked as he bopped each of their heads in turn. Though it passed right through Larry’s head.
Amazingly, they all shut up. Probably too stunned to believe he actually did that. He was too.
“One at a time,” he said. He pointed his finger at the Sapphire Witch. “You first.”
The Sapphire Witch pulled her chin up. Ran a hand over her hair. Which he hadn’t mussed at all with his gag mallet. Maybe she used that wondrous invention of the normal world: hair spray.
“Your tone is insolent, clown,” she said.
“No, Lady Sapphire,” he said, “My tone is exasperated. As in: all I wanted was to have some pizza at my friend’s restaurant, only to find his restaurant burned to the ground, my friend deceased and myself tasked with saving my adopted city from a fate worse than death. And you are supposed to be helping me. When is the helping going to start? Can it start now? Because I’d really like it to start now.”
The Sapphire Witch put on a pouty face. Which looked neither cute nor charming. Beings as powerful as her shouldn’t pout.
When no words issued from her lips, Hilario swiveled to Odom.
“Ok big boy,” he said, internally wincing at his lack of groveling servitude, “How about you? Why are you here? Give me something I can use. Do you know where Rachel is?”
Odom scratched at his ridiculously handsome chin. “I do not know what this Rachel you speak of is? Is there a reason you must find it? Is it lost?”
Hilario groaned. Barely stopped himself from slapping his forehead with his palm. Not that his greasepaint wasn’t already smeared.
“Yes, she is lost,” he said, “Yes, there’s a reason I have to find her. No, I don’t know what that reason is because people either won’t tell me, or they don’t know. Like you.”
Odom got a thoughtful look on his face. “Interesting. I was called to this place by Lady Alexandrite,” he said, “Her message indicated there was a dangerous quest for me. Tell me, is this Rachel dangerous? Does it breath fire and
