None of what I saw on his account made me feel any better. He had 55.8 million followers on Instagram. A black and white picture of his hands got 1,794, 521 likes. The completely messed up part about it was those were his real hands. I’d seen his hands, touched his hands and felt his hands on my body. Pictures of his face had over five and four million likes. I had to just stop myself from looking at pictures of him.
After watching videos, hearing him sing acapella, and playing electric guitar I was so done. That was his soulful voice. It was the same voice that sang to me and acted like he was just some novice or whatever. He was such a fucking snake, a phony ass fake. I bet he laughed when I said he should be a music teacher. I was an entire joke. He was so fucking amused by the prehistoric lady that didn’t recognize him.
I wanted to fling my cell phone across the room. I was too old to have a tantrum. Instead of acting out, I took another drink of wine. I downed the entire bottle in record time and snuggled into my pillow for what I hoped to be a sound sleep.
Chapter 17
JAGGER
I don’t know why I felt so low. I had been lying to Kat and I felt compelled to tell the truth. She deserved it— the truth. Maybe I didn’t do the right thing. I didn’t know if it was the right time. I didn’t know why her rejection hurt so much. It was like a punch in the gut. My emotions got the better of me and my adrenaline took over. My actions were appalling. Why did I put my fist through that bloody glass? She thinks I’m a fucking psycho. I actually cared what she thought about me.
I was too embarrassed to share what happened with David. I called on Fiona instead. I had a cut-up hand. After Fiona cleaned and bandaged my hand I stayed in my room. I felt like a piece of shit. I had the hardcore blues. I’d felt this way before but there was something hollow and shameful about this time. I grabbed my guitar and I had to compose. Music was my brand of therapy.
(Verse 1)
I didn’t know this would happen to me
I was alone in a world of grief
I lost everything I ever loved
I never knew I could feel such love
Inhaling air but I never breathed
Until your heart opened up to me
I didn’t know how good we could be
Until I experienced real ecstasy
There was no more blowing it all away
No more smacks in the face
I’ve been speeding through my life
This time I’m trying to get it right
With you through the days and nights
Please forgive me when we fight
(Chorus)
I didn’t want to lie
They say a grown man shouldn’t cry
If I tell you now
You won’t believe me, why
Because I fell for you
Any man would do it too
The things I say to you
From now they all are true
Oh baby can’t you see
My brutal honesty
(Verse 2)
I know I’ve been a dope
What I feel is not a joke
What’s been said can be misspoke
After the fire, there are so many clouds of smoke
I didn’t know you would fall into my lap
The perfect gift I should unwrap
I’ve had so many mishaps
I don’t want you to think this is a trap
Riding on my white horse
My cracks have no support
I want to be Adam to your Eve
I can admit it was all me
I don’t care about how it should be
Because I need you chronically
(Chorus)
Oh girl, I didn’t want to lie
They say a grown man shouldn’t cry
If I tell you now
You won’t believe me, why
Because I fell for you
Any man would do it too
The things I say to you
From now they all are true
Oh baby can’t you see
My brutal honesty
(Verse 3)
Before you came, my eyes were closed
One look at you and I awoke
When the dust turns into smoke
The love I have is not a joke
Living life trying to blaze it up
Acting like I didn’t give a fuck care enough
Being with me I know was tough
Doesn’t mean I deserve your trust
I couldn’t see the forest, for the trees
I picked a flower and you plucked a weed
Love is blind and I couldn’t see
Until your love rained down on me
That’s why I’ve written you this song
Been trying to hash out my rights and wrongs
The song I wrote was finished. It was chockfull of drug references. I couldn’t think of anything but getting high. I needed relief. It was late, two o’clock in the morning. I wanted to go out and look for drugs, someone to sell me something. It didn’t matter what. I’d done practically every drug I preferred stimulants and opioids over hallucinogens. I wanted out of my head. I needed release. I needed to fly.
I was quiet when I snuck out of the house. I knew there would be severe repercussions if I were caught outside of the house. Dire consequences if my drug tests came back positive. I fucked up too many times before.
My bloody urges pushed me to flee. I got on my bike and rode away. I was out at night peddling in the darkness. Although I didn’t have a destination I somehow knew I would end up where it all started.
I opened the outside gate and walked my bike through the backyard. I placed
