He nodded. “Yeah, but the first thing I’d have to do would be get a degree. Then I’d need to work in a pertinent field, which I think would be computers. Or maybe even something like forensics or criminal justice.”
“Forensics is science,” I said. “Are you interested in science? It’s not like computers, where you could just sit down and learn to code. Do you have an interest in bugs? Do blood and guts bother you? Things like that.”
He frowned. “I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far.”
“And that’s my worry,” I said, putting down my wine glass. I walked over to him and put my hand on his chest. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you. I just don’t know how I give up everything I’ve worked for to potentially sit around and wait for you to decide what you want to do when you’re finished with hockey.”
“What if I didn’t leave hockey?” he asked, one hand resting on my hip. “What if this has all been a pipe dream and a lot of talk because I’m bored? Would it be different then?”
“Yes and no. Yes, because we’d know what we’re dealing with instead of the unknown, but no, because if I leave my job, I can’t just move from university to university. I have to be in one place, Dax.”
“But if you already knew that, why didn’t we just keep things casual? Why have we been spending the last month falling in love if you already knew you couldn’t be with me? Not really.”
I bit my lip. “Because I have feelings for you. Strong ones. I had to find out how strong.”
“I see.” He frowned a little. “It sounds to me like this hasn’t been anything but a summer fling for you and—”
“No!” I interrupted swiftly, shaking my head. “It’s not like that. I do care for you. I want what you want. It’s just a matter of finding a way to make the logistics work, and we can’t work on a plan while you’re still deciding what to do.”
“I guess that’s true.” He squeezed his temples with his thumb and middle finger, as if he had a headache.
“Do you want to end this?” I whispered. “Because it feels like I’m hurting you, and I don’t want to do that.”
“No. It’s just…” He sighed. “You’re right. It’s unfair of me to ask you to upend your life when everything on my end is up in the air.”
“You’re not leaving now, right?” I asked slowly. “You’re going to finish out this year of hockey no matter what?”
“Correct.”
“So why can’t we take this upcoming year, season, however you want to frame it, to sort it out? I can look into potential teaching and scientific options around the U.S. while you decide if you want to play hockey anymore. And then come late spring, when my semester is over in May, I can either come here or you can come to Scotland, if your season is over.”
“That’s fair.”
It was the fairest compromise I could think of at the moment, and though it probably wasn’t what he wanted to hear, there was too much at stake for both of us.
“I know you’re not happy,” I whispered, leaning against his chest. “And I’m sorry. But if roles were reversed, would you leave hockey to move to Scotland while I decided if I still wanted to teach or not?”
“No. I know you’re right.” He sighed. “Mostly I’m upset at myself for being so damn undecided. The pull to leave hockey is strong, but the pull to stay is almost as strong. I love hockey. It’s all I’ve ever done. The idea of never playing hockey at this level again is terrifying.”
“I know.” I wrapped my arms around his waist. “And I’m here, Dax. I’m going back to Scotland soon, but I’ll still be here. On the phone, via text, whatever you need, whether it’s help with your classes or test-taking or anything you need. I’m not going anywhere unless you send me away.”
“That’s not happening.” His arms closed around me and I could practically feel the connection between us going back to normal.
We’d just navigated a huge hurdle and it looked like we would come out the other side intact. At least, I hoped so.
Our lovemaking that night was different. Dax held back, something he’d never done, not even the first time we’d slept together. Not physically, of course. He was right there doing all the right things, touching me in all the right ways, but emotionally? He was notably absent. I felt it right to my core and as we lay there in the aftermath, I realized he was pulling away. Whether it was intentional or not, I couldn’t know, but he was in the process of protecting himself. From me.
That hurt. My rational mind understood it, but it shredded the edges of my soul. The last person I’d ever wanted to hurt was Dax, but now that we were together, everything was so much more complicated than I’d anticipated. I’d known, dammit. I’d known it was possible that this might not work out, but I’d avoided thinking about it too much and now we were in a miserable situation.
“You’re angry with me,” I said in the darkness, unsure whether he’d fallen asleep or not. Instead of curling into his side like I usually did, I was beside him, flat on my back.
“What?” He stirred, turning onto his side. “No, I’m not.”
“You weren’t all there tonight.”
“What does that mean?” He was trying to look at me, but I was staring up at the nothingness of the ceiling.
“It means that normally when we make love, you love me with your body and your heart. Tonight, it was just your body.”
“I’m not sure how you can gauge all that,” he said slowly. “But I’m sorry if it was…disappointing?”
I sighed. “You know
