“You’re not. I’m sorry, babe.” He pulled me against him and then I was resting against his chest, my head in the hollow of his shoulder. Just like we normally did at night. “I’m sorry if it feels that way. I’m struggling right now, and to be honest, it’s not about you.”
“I know. I’ve sensed that for a while and I hate not being able to help.”
“Tomorrow you’ll help by making me open that SAT prep book sitting on the shelf.”
I chuckled. “That I can do.”
“I’m truly sorry if I held back tonight,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. “I’ll make it up to you in the morning.”
“It’s not about sex, Dax. It’s about—”
“I know what it’s about. It’s just a matter of sorting out all the random bullshit buzzing around in my head.”
“It’s all right. I guess I’m just afraid now.”
“Of me?”
“Of losing you. Of losing us.”
“I know.” He stroked my upper arm. “And I promise, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure my decisions don’t impact us. As a couple.”
“I don’t think that’s a promise you can make,” I whispered. “And that’s why I’m scared. Because if you give up something you really want to do, simply because you’re afraid you’ll lose me, that’s a recipe for disaster. You will absolutely resent me for it, whether it’s in a year or ten years, but one way or another, that would come back to haunt us.”
He sighed. “Fuck.”
“If it’s meant to be, we’ll find a way to be together. I’ve always believed that.”
He didn’t answer and that hurt more than almost anything else. “Dax?” I whispered his name, but his soft snoring told me he’d fallen asleep.
I had a feeling this was just the beginning of trouble for us, no matter how hard we were fighting against it.
18
Dax
Things between Isla and me had been strained for a few days, but as we delved into the SAT prep book and she started jumping my bones multiple times a day, we morphed back into the relationship we’d had before. I’d amped up my workouts as we got into August, since training camp was a little over a month away, and ironically, it was there that I took the next step in figuring out what I wanted to do. Since everyone who frequented the gym was either an athlete or a bodyguard, Isla suggested I talk to some of my friends there to see what their thoughts were. I immediately thought of Lennox, so I’d texted her and she’d agreed to meet us here today. Isla took off to do her own thing and Lennox and I met in the weight area.
“It’s not written in stone yet,” she said, “but it’s looking like this gig I’ve got is going to be permanent.”
“So you’re moving to Limaj?” I asked after finishing a set of thirty pull-ups.
She got up to start her own set, but answered me first. “Looks that way. Did you know Sandor was actually a prince?” She motioned to the muscular guy with tattoos and a ponytail, who was working on a weight bench on the other side of the room.
“Sandor’s a prince? Meaning he’s related to the king?”
“First cousins. He doesn’t use his title because he’s technically something called a Royal Protector. They’re this elite group of bodyguards who train specifically to protect the royal family. It’s a huge deal to be asked to be one of them.”
“And that’s the job you’re up for?”
“Yup.”
“That sounds…impressive.”
“It is. At first, I thought it was a little pompous and too self-righteous for me, but now that I know Casey and have gotten to know a little more of the royal family, I think what they do is really important. Especially now that I’ve seen how hard the king is working to make things better for the people.”
“Interesting,” I said thoughtfully. “And it pays well?”
She grimaced. “Dude. You have no idea how well it pays. I mean, not as well as a professional athlete, but it’s a solid six figures.”
“Does the fact that you’re ex-military play into it?”
She nodded. “Ex-military and the fact that I have a bachelor’s degree, as well as bodyguard experience. It all plays into it.”
I nodded. There it was again. The degree thing. It hadn’t really been an option for me since I’d been drafted at eighteen and then came to Vegas at twenty. Except for two years in the minors, I’d spent my entire career to date with the Sidewinders, and college hadn’t been on my radar. Until now.
Lennox was doing her set of pull-ups now and my thoughts wandered as I watched her. Isla was running, which seemed to be her thing, and she hadn’t minded if I did some circuit training with Lennox. Especially since it gave me the opportunity to talk to her about some of the shit in my head.
“Do you think I’d make a good bodyguard?” I asked quietly.
Lennox had just pulled herself up for the twentieth time and she momentarily froze, meeting my gaze questioningly. “Give me a sec,” she panted, doing five more and then dropping to the ground.
She wiped her hands on her towel, drank some water, and then turned to me. “Okay, why don’t you just tell me whatever it is that’s on your mind. You’ve never been overly curious about my profession, and now suddenly you’re asking very specific questions.”
“I don’t know what the fuck I want,” I muttered. I gave her an abridged version of my situation.
She didn’t say anything for a long time, her eyes fixed on mine. “I think you’re a great guy. Strong, athletic, and from what I can tell without having spent a ton of time with you, smart and honest. I
