She obviously needed coffee. Sleep. And a good meal.
Not Jim.
“I’ll go…” She stepped back, clutching her purse. Looking bewildered and suddenly very timid, which she never was before, she realized what she was doing and ground her teeth for allowing Jim to take her sense of comfort from her.
He didn’t acknowledge her. Her heart sinking, she already had her answer.
Leave. Go. Be done with it. Never think of him or this night again.
So much easier said than done. And she rarely bullshitted herself. Not about that.
After sleeping for a few hours, Jim slogged through a shower and found some clean clothes. Looking respectable, despite everything he did, he banished Kayla from his thoughts as he parked his old sedan in the church parking lot. Police tape was still flapping in the breeze out front. Cleared for entrance, his stomach pinched in pain. He had to enter the war zone that was once his sanctuary. His refuge from a chaotic, pointless, harsh planet. Gee, as predicted, it followed him here. Shaking his head to avoid a bout of self-pity, he decided he didn’t have it that bad. He ate well and had a decent shelter, a good job and the people associated with this place respected him. It was more than he managed to attain for most of his life. He was grateful when he compared himself to many others around the world.
His effort to find a connection and form a family of his own seemed a failure. But he didn’t really know how to do it. He couldn’t get Kathy to feel comfortable with him, let alone, her family. They refused to include him in their lives or want him around, so he decided it was best to stick to the church. His job and his congregation would fill his life and make up for all the things he didn’t know how to do. Like socializing on a personal level, or connecting with people and seeking relationships beyond the church.
Cringing, he thought what if someone here found out what he did last night? After barely separating from Kathy, he had wild sex with Kathy’s sister. Now he wished he could undo it all. He had to ensure Kayla’s complete silence. He doubted she wanted it broadcasted anymore than he did. No way. He cringed at the thought.
But not at the memories. They were still there. No matter how guilty he felt and thought he didn’t want them, they remained right there, awakening something he preferred to stay dormant. He didn’t know what other word to use. The temptations and insatiable desires he tried to ignore and deny were all back in living color again. The sexy-Kayla images were impossible not to review in his mind.
He trudged into the hallowed space. It was eerie. The silence after the chaos of his last moments there yesterday. The echoes of screaming, and terrible, gut-twisting noises rang in his ears.
He wanted to work and be there, feeling he was free and untethered to anything and anyone. His relief was deep when it finally filled him.
The words Kayla said, among other things, kept flowing in and out of his brain. She pointed out the fact that he needed to make a friend. He had none. Well, he did have acquaintances in the vein of older men and women who were pastors and spiritual leaders as he was. A loose network in the area was formed to help exchange ideas and devise new plans. The reciprocity he found in their theoretical ideas and leadership and faith supported him and his ideals. But they were in his professional circle, and Jim never cultivated any personal friendships that went beyond boring platitudes.
Half a dozen phone calls asked about the shooting. Was Jim okay? Was anyone in the congregation injured? How was Eric? Their concern and thoughts and prayers were generously sent his way and Jim appreciated every single one. Some were gossip mongers. But he had no good friends in the way he knew Kayla referred to. The kind of friend she was to Kathy and Karlee. Along with a dozen people or more in the area. And all the people she hung out with at school. As private and introverted as Kathy and Jim were, Kayla was the polar opposite.
Not many pastors or parishioners were his age. The average age of his parishioners was about sixty-two. He wasn’t seeking out someone to approve of his behavior. After hearing Kayla voice the pathetic idea that he had no one, and saying she worried he might kill himself over it, maybe it was a fair point that he should try to find someone new to confide in.
Eric?
The name popped up in his head. He wanted to visit him at the hospital anyway to thank him. So why the heck not?
Jim visited the hospital to make his peace with Eric. Eric was contrite. Ridiculously so. It took a few moments for Jim to figure out Kathy hadn’t told Eric they broke up. Surprised, he got a few jabs in at his pseudo-nemesis. He released Eric from any guilt. And gratefully thanked him for saving his life. Spontaneously, he told Eric he would teach him to play chess during his convalescence. Chess was something Jim loved to play, but didn’t have a regular partner to compete with. That was nice. A new way to have a friend, and for a very good reason.
One step led to the next. That was how Jim always coped. Forget yesterday, the week before, the months and years before that… It worked for him most of the time.
