Larathariarien
This Elvish festival, held on the Spring Equinox, is meant to celebrate rebirth. Or death. Or boiled eggs, for all we know. Mainly it involves the last remaining Elves parading slowly through the woods, keening an eerie song and waving lanterns about. Which is all right, if you like that sort of thing.
BLAZGAN!!!!
Named after the famous Dwarven battle cry,[26] this midwinter extravaganza – also known as ‘opposites week’ – totally transforms Dwarven society. After a year of backbreaking labour, the Dwarves blow off steam by spending a week acting in the most undwarvenly manner possible. They are idle, overly polite, and eat and drink completely reasonably, giving them a rare respite from the thundering hangovers that otherwise accompany a life of hard liquor and heavy industry.
Bisontide
Bisontide, an event celebrating the defeat of the Duke of Night, is held four times each year, and participation is mandatory for all citizens of Tharn and its vassal kingdoms. Bisontide customs include the smashing by children of large paper-mâché Orc effigies and the bellowing of incredibly aggressive ‘carols’ in pubs. All in all, a great family day out.[27]
The Grand Old Duke of Orcs,
She had ten-thousand Orcs
She marched them up to the top of the hill
And we slaughtered them for the glory of the Bison King
All hail the Bison King.
— Popular Bisontide Carol
Blood of the Children
For many years, it was presumed that the Orcish summer festival of Bruhz-nur, or Blood of the Children, was some kind of monstrous carnival of infanticide. Now that visitors are finally being allowed in to witness the ceremony, however, it turns out to be a weird contest in which Goblins gather to show off their talents before elder Orcs. Apparently, to the Orcs, Bruhz means blood in the sense of vim and vigour when used in the genitive case, rather than actual, y’know, violence juice.[28] Still, it’s odd that the event’s name references children when there’s none to be seen at the festival itself – just Goblins. Where do the Orcs keep their kids, anyway?[29]
Getting Around
Most of Mittelvelde is best experienced at walking pace, although cart services run between most of the major destinations, especially south of Kolkozar.[30] Horses and other steeds are available for daily hire, though it’s worth noting that the small woolly rhinoceroses favoured by the Dwarves are famously intolerant of male riders.[31]
RULES AND REGULATIONS
At the start of any trip to Mittelvelde you’ll need to report to the Bison King’s capital of Bannahirr in order to procure the right travel documentation. On arrival, you’ll head to the Visitor Orientation Meadhall for a quick briefing and security check by the Bison King’s special knights[32] – mainly, they’ll be no bother at all and will just want to check you’re not planning on bringing contraband to any Orcish settlements. After that you’ll be free to party the night away at any one of the city’s sanctioned Revelry Areas, before tucking yourself in for bed at the brand new Grand Bisonia Hotel, a … marvellous edifice, which stands as testament to the King’s burgeoning love affair with concrete. While you’re there, why not take in one of the astonishing military parades held by the King’s men at arms, visit the city’s Monster Zoo[33] or watch one of the Wizard Shows? They are all excellent value.
Eating and Drinking
Being largely a medieval-ish world, you’d be forgiven for assuming Mittelvelde’s food was nothing to write home about. But due in part to the superbly fertile landscape and in part to the prevalence of hearth magic in even the humblest kitchens, the bog-standard peasant kibble here is sublime. And if you’ve got the gold to splash out on fresh food, fine drinks and exotic meats, you can eat like the Bison King himself.
MITTELVELDE’S
BEST BARS and RESTAURANTS
The Bisonhall: For a reasonable pre-arranged donation, travellers can dine in the style of the Bison King himself, sampling vintage meads and meaty delights from across the realm, at the heart of the capital. Although the signature dish of silver bison is no longer available, and you can no longer eat in the King’s actual hall (the new venue is a larger replica with more table space, and has a rotating cast of bards playing the man himself), it’s still a must-see.
Floyd’s Tip
Keep your diet carnivorous around Gargelms, the gigantic tree people of the forest, or eat nothing at all. Chomping an apple in front of one of these folks is the equivalent of sitting down for lunch with a human and taking a big, cheerful bite out of a bollock. Massive party foul; they’ll flatten you.
Nourishment Depot Seven: Meat’s not been on the menu for some time at this austere cafeteria for the working Orcs of New Tharn, but if you want a genuine taste of greyskin food, this is the place. The portions of fried bogworm and bloddtuber mash are truly warrior-sized, designed to sustain an Orc’s burly frame during an eighteen-hour shift at the forges. And, of course, it’s all washed down with gallons of the potent local liquor, Grak. Joyously authentic, especially when the locals sing their welcome song.[34]
Illeiythan: Named after the Elvish word for ‘enjoy yourself,’ this luxury game ranch at the heart of Syrillar – part of a new chain based in Bannahirr – offers a smorgasbord of BBQ big game[35] served up by quaint Orc serving staff in traditional ‘warrior’s’ garb. Of course, there are no actual Elves here, but the decor is inspired by their spires of living silver, and there’s a good selection of wines looted from the cellars of Alethiar.
The Authentic Lord Bleakheart’s Death Nuptuals Experience: The Fysterosi capital of Calthang’s Keep is perhaps most famous for the infamous Death Nuptuals of Lord Bleakheart, a wedding feast at which fully half the guests were massacred in a culmination of years of brutal realpolitik. Now, after unprecedented demand from tourists, the
