DAY 4
After a traditional Dwarven breakfast of fried worldsump mushrooms and a pint of chilled owl blood, it’ll be time to meet with your personal guide for a gruellingly in-depth tour of Kolkozar’s forge works and smelting plants.[46] Once you’re done (or you find a way to make it stop), head down the deep tunnels to the royal menagerie, where you can see troglofauna such as rockchomper grubs, albino cavern lemurs, and even the great olms in their stalagmite-choked pools. When the city begins to bustle with the evening-shift changeover, rent some ceremonial chainmail and a false beard, and head to the Grand Kolkozar Opera to see the Military Choir recite a classic folk dirge. Alternatively, book a space in the public galleries for the Queen’s nightly banquet, or grab a few cans and head to the bat fights.[47] Whatever you do, you’re in for a severe ale monstering.
DAY 5
Hangover.
DAY 6
Once you’ve recovered, you’ll be mounting up with a platoon of Dwarven cavalry and heading north out the other side of the Wyrmryggrads to the forest of Mathelvayle. Your hosts will be out on a Grudging, a traditional raid in the style of the Dwarves’ old Orc-hunting expeditions. These days, however, Grudgings are strictly non-lethal affairs, funded by the Bison King and tasked with dispersing unlawful camps of Orcs and Goblins in the deep woods, before resettling them in permitted townships at the forest’s edge.[48] Make camp with the Dwarves for the night and shake your head in disbelief that they’re drinking again.
DAY 7
After bidding farewell to the Dwarves (tourists are not permitted to attend the official business of a Grudging), you’ll be guided to Buluk, the Orcish homestay where you’ll end your trip. Buluk is one of the sanctioned, protected encampments where resettled Orcs and Goblins can live in peace in their traditional style, and is apparently charming. I didn’t actually do this bit of the trip, as I had business to return to in Bannahirr, but here’s a testimonial from some bleeding-heart gap-year type[49] we hired as a freelancer.
— TESTIMONIAL —
Even though they’re still living by the rugged customs of their ancestors, I’m a huge fan of the back-to-basics authenticity that comes with living at home with Orcs. There’s just so much to learn from the quiet dignity of these big-hearted people, and there’s no doubt as to how grateful they are to learn from offworlders in return.
In Buluk, you can stay with a real family of Orcs at a modest boarding rate, with all proceeds going to the upkeep of community property via the Bison King’s Benevolent Trust (BKBT). I stayed with Benedict (his actual name was B’nak’dek’shash, but that was very hard to pronounce), a small business owner who lived in a tusk-roofed roundhouse with his husbands and three small children, and he was a delight.
You may find your host gruff and often seemingly frustrated, as I did at first, but don’t be fooled; this is just the Orcish way. All too soon, you’ll come to learn that what seems like a miserable grunt is in fact an indulgent chuckle, if you listen right!
Life moves at a slower pace among the Orcs, so you should take the time to relax, help yourself to home cooking (the weevil fritters are a must!), and admire the beautiful, tusk-heavy orchitecture of their community buildings. While you’re there, don’t miss out on the chance to play Fakhtash-Vun with the settlement’s children – this cool traditional game, which translates as ‘survive the raid’, sees children run and hide silently for hours, until imaginary Dwarven cavalry have passed by. Very cute.
On your last night, why not participate in one of the Orcs’ incredibly atmospheric religious ceremonies? I went to an awesome candlelit recital of something or other, and although I couldn’t understand the words, it was deeply moving. From the raised mound they were all gathered around, I think it was some kind of agricultural thing?
— Sid Necklace, 21, Student
WHY NOT … GIANT CENTIPEDES?
If you’re headed to Mathelvayle anyway, consider paying a visit to Queen Shn’Shn’Nk in her glade at the heart of the woods. Her people, the centipede-like Scolopendrakin, were thought to be little more than brutal monsters when they fought under the banner of the Duke. And to be fair, they do look completely vile. Since the Pact of Grimlakk, however, they’ve proven to be sound conversationalists and excellent hosts, and have taken to tourism with astonishing enthusiasm. Dinner and storytelling in one of their mud-coil burrow-yurts, lit by the arse of a giant tame firefly, is a spellbinding experience, despite the gibber-inducing looks of your hosts.
2: DUNGEONS AND FLAGONS:(3 Days)
Adventure Weekend in Descensus
This long weekend break, ideal for those with more testosterone than sense, will see you thrown into the very literal deep end of Mittelvelde.
DAY 1
The trip starts in chilly Kranagar, and the fortified town of Spörn, which exists only to service Descensus with food, supplies and fresh adventurers. Before you take the magical portal down to the Descensus, you’ll have to fill in a good few forms detailing your skills, characteristics and – weirdly – your attitudes towards good, evil, law and chaos.[50]
DAY 2
Almost every night out in Descensus ends with a bunch of strangers drunkenly swearing an oath of
