Death Nuptuals are re-enacted twice a month: the feasts can run in excess of seventy courses, and inevitably end with the revelation that one of the dishes contained human meat, at which point the murders usually start. Guests are always guaranteed safety amid the massacre – but even so, it’s not for those with weak stomachs.

Currency

While all of Mittelvelde’s peoples have their own currencies, travellers can cover themselves by converting their money into gold or one of the standard Dwarven alloys such as dwarronium. As part of his modernisation agenda, the Bison King has recently standardised currency across the many vassal kingdoms of Tharn, and Bison Groats are now accepted in all human territories.

DAILY SAMPLE COSTS

BUDGET: Less than 50 Bison Groats

Overnight stay in a peasant’s hog shed: 12 BG

Evening meal of potato stew and ale: 8 BG

Guide for an afternoon in Rannewicke (songs included): 18 BG

Ticket to jeer at a captured Goblin in the stocks: 4 BG

MIDRANGE: 50–120 Bison Groats

Dwarven guest cell and oil lighting: 35 BG

Roast cave salamander and Dwarven wine: 18 BG

Guards for a delve into the deep: 42 BG

Decent seat at the bat fights: 15 BG

TOP END: More than 120 Bison Groats

Bison-class suite at the Grand Bisonia Hotel in Bannahirr: 100 BG

Dragon loin sautéed with semi-illegal Gargelm fronds: 80 BG

Company of mercenaries to lead into battle: 240 BG

Raven flight from Bannahirr to Alethiar: 94 BG

Don’t Forget to Pack …

Old-school clothes

In terms of gear, any travellers in Mittelvelde should wear medieval garments, if only to avoid funny looks,[36] so it’s worth investing in a couple of tunics at least, and maybe some chainmail if you’re planning on starting trouble.

Basic medicines

Mittelvelde is actually a fairly great place to get seriously ill or injured, as the magical healing offered by Wizards is, while pricey, nothing short of miraculous.[37] Nevertheless, basic medical needs are either not met at all or are covered by ludicrous local practices, such as the horrific Orcish custom of ‘healing ants’.[38] Stock up.

Orc treats

If you’re one of the increasing number of people embarking on homestay trips with traditional Orc communities, make sure you bring gifts, as it is customary for Orcs to exchange favours before and after being hosted. Without knowing exactly what Orcs like, you’re probably safe packing some manky blood, a dead scorpion or something equally horrible.[39]

Manners and Etiquette

Know your ancestry

Genealogy is a massive deal for pretty much every culture in Mittelvelde. When introducing yourself, you should be able to rattle off at least two layers of ‘son of/daughter of’, so make sure you’re either well acquainted with your family history or a consistent bullshitter. Because make no mistake: you will be quizzed.

Remember that Elves have weird manners

Trying to interact normally with Elves is a nightmare. Eye contact is either grossly offensive or mandatory, depending on the height of the sun, and different hand gestures are required when greeting members of any one of Elven society’s sixty-three castes.

Try not to notice the Dwarven accent

For some reason, any translation software you care to use will interpret Dwarven speech as a mangled parody of a Scottish accent, with every term of address translated as ‘laddie’. Nobody knows why, and it can’t be helped. But for pity’s sake, don’t laugh. As far as the Dwarves are concerned they speak like yacht-club billionaires, and they really don’t like it when people giggle.[40]

Don’t mention the war

It’s always worth remembering that the War of the Haunted Mace didn’t end too long ago and has left many cultural sore spots. Especially in mixed company, you’ll want to avoid getting into political discussions about the conflict, so as to avoid any … orcwardness. Even in human-only groups, you may encounter unsavoury detractors of the Bison King, and even some who claim he wouldn’t have won the war at all without the shipment of assault rifles that mysteriously appeared in Bannahirr at the last minute,[41] but these bitter agitators just aren’t worth your time.

4. SUGGESTED ITINERARIES

1: A JOURNEY IN THE DARK:

(1 Week)

Rannewicke to Mathelvayle, via the Underground

This trip offers a smorgasbord of Mittelveldian delights, taking travellers from the creature comforts of Rannewicke to the homely, bone-adorned chic of the Orcs, via the splendour of the Dwarven capital.

DAY 1

After arrival in Rannewicke, you’ll tour a series of villages on an extremely slow pony cart, in order to endure a series of punishingly substantial rustic lunches with the stout, simple locals. The day will inevitably end with a party[42] whose nature can vary: sometimes it’s a village-square spectacular with fireworks and an old geezer who vanishes during a speech, sometimes it’s a load of vengeful Dwarves conducting a home invasion. Either way, you’ll eat your head’s weight in cake.

DAY 2

Following a famous Rannewicke breakfast, you’ll enjoy a second, third and maybe even a fourth famous Rannewicke breakfast[43] until early evening, when you’ll head to the famous Borked Orc Inn[44] for the night. During the war, this boarding house became notorious for cowled spectres showing up in the middle of the night to stab people, and while it’s totally safe now, it’s worth checking for sword-marks on the floorboards of your room. It’s also the place where the party of heroes that finally destroyed the Haunted Mace was assembled, and these days it’s crowded with wild-eyed wannabes hoping for another war to break out.

TROLL YOUR KIDS

Those with kids to take care of might also want to consider hiring one of Rannewicke’s friendly Trolls to ‘kidnap’ their progeny and threaten them with a roasting over a campfire. At a signal pre-arranged with the Big Lad, the crafty parent can then spring from the darkness, ‘fighting off’ the Troll and becoming a hero to their child for ever. The experience also gifts any parent with a credible ‘if you don’t behave, the Trolls will get you again’ threat that will stay good for years. Worth its weight in gold.

DAY 3

On the third

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