One pink star catches my eye, and I glide over to it. As I near, I realize the pink star is growing smaller and smaller, the dark sky around it turning more blue than black.
A face appears and then the rest of the body.
Adir.
I collide into him, and he wraps his arms around me. Only because I know this is a dream am I able to wrap my arms around his neck, to draw him close, and I give in and kiss him hard. I’m not sure who opens their mouth first, but then our tongues are dancing as we’re dancing, and suddenly, we aren’t wearing any clothes. It’s weightless, all around us, and we’re able to hold onto each other and spin and float and stay together.
And then we’re really together, joined by more than just our arms and lips.
It’s an incredible feeling, like we’re melding into each other, two made one, and I’m lost. I’m so lost in this dream, in him, in the hope for the future.
And I start to cry.
Neither of us has said anything, and we don't start to talk now. He just kisses my tears away, staring at me with compassion in his neon pink eyes, and I give myself to him all over again.
Is this what it takes to win my heart? Just a tiny bit of compassion? After I’ve felt so much pain and felt ignored by my family for years, is this really all I need? That’s pathetic, isn’t it? I don’t know Adir. I don’t. How can I be certain he won’t hurt me? Everyone else has. He probably will too.
Just like that, I’m adrift in space, alone again. I look up, down, all around, but I can’t see Adir anywhere.
A sense of profound isolation overwhelms me, and I want to cry again. Soon, I am crying, but there’s no one else here to wipe away or kiss away my tears. They just flood down my cheeks and turn the inky blackness of the nighttime sky around me into a sea of despair, and I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can swim. In real life, I can’t, and sure enough, I start to drown. My arms flail, and I try to keep my head above water, but whenever I open my mouth to yell, water floods in, and I can’t breathe. My lungs burn. I start to cough, which only makes more water enter me, and soon, I realize there’s no point.
I start to slip under the water, sinking fast, and somehow, I’m falling…
Falling…
Failing…
I hit against something hard, and I look up, but around me is only darkness.
I open my eyes and sit up. What a terrible dream. My hand brushes against my cheeks, and I breathe a sigh of relief. I almost thought my cheeks would be wet.
After I wash up, I change into yet another one of the dresses they provided, and I have to wait a good twenty minutes for the bell to signal breakfast time. Normally, I don't get up so early.
Breakfast is a quiet affair, at least for me. I had been surprised to see Adir and another guard down here during dinnertime, but like normal, there’s no one but us women for breakfast. Sometimes, after lunch and almost always after dinner, the breeders will join us if we linger too long. Shawnta, for one, is almost always down here as long as possible, or at least until she finds someone to bring back to her room. She's probably slept with every breeder who has ever set foot inside this place. Why shouldn't she? That's the point of being here. I won't judge her because they're all consenting adults, and there's no criminal act going on. She's enjoying herself.
I just wish that she wouldn’t stare me down every other day or so. She hasn’t made a scene with me like she did after that first time. I suppose I should be grateful for that, but I’m not. I just want to be left alone. Compared to her, I feel inferior. Why would one of the breeders want to be with me after being with someone so clearly in control of her own body?
But it’s not long after I return to my room that there’s a knock. My heart starts to race, and I berate myself for hoping that it’s Adir. Why would he be coming around? He has other females to attend to.
What if he asks one of the others what they need? What if they answer that they need him?
I just know that’s how Shawnta would react.
The thought of the two of them together makes my stomach churn, and I must not have the best expression on my face when I open the door because the breeder, one I haven’t seen before, lifts his eyebrows.
“Are you sick?”
“What? Me? Sick? No. No, I’m fine.”
“Good,” he says, his relief evident. “Can I…”
I open the door wider with a sigh and let him have his way. It’s easy enough to pretend that he’s Adir, I suppose, and it doesn’t hurt quite as much this time, but it also doesn’t feel all that good either. It’s nothing like what I had with Adir, but even Adir hadn’t been perfect. Maybe if I could just get out of my head and let myself go, maybe then I could enjoy it, enjoy everything about having sex.
Why? Why does it have to be so complicated? On Earth, a woman can get pregnant by accident. Here, on Kuria, it’s so much harder. It’s terribly hard, and maybe it won’t happen for me. Maybe I’m too broken.
Finally, he finishes, although I don't think it took him all that long. He just finishes, cleans
