But love and heartache are so very close, two sides of a thin coin.
"No?" Her surprise makes me far too sad but also angry, not at her, of course, but at Adir.
“No,” I say, my voice a little louder now.
“So, you have found love?”
“Yes.” I drop my head even lower, my hair falling forward to cover me even more.
The captain says nothing, but I know she wants to hear more.
But I say nothing.
“It’s okay,” Lara murmurs. “You don’t have to tell me about him if you don’t want to.”
“He… I… We…” I stare at my hands helplessly. “I…”
Words are failing me. I know how I feel. It just hurts to know how he feels or, rather, how he doesn’t feel.
“You really do love him, huh,” Lara says. It’s not a question.
“I do. I’ve fallen hard for him.”
“But…”
“He doesn’t love me back,” I say sadly. “He’s not just with me. He sleeps with other women. I’m not even sure how many. I… I don’t want to know.”
“I’m so sorry.”
"Me too, but I don't know what to do. I don't know… I just don't know."
“Have you tried talking to him?” Lara asks.
“It’s too painful,” I whisper.
I don't know if I can bring myself to see him again. As much as I want to talk to him, I can't. If he tells me that he doesn't care for me, that it's just sex, it will break me. I don't know if I could handle staying here.
And then I would fail. I would fail at making the one Novan I care about love me. I would fail at being able to have a baby, and I would fail at my chance at helping and trying to start over anew.
I’m distraught. There’s no hiding that. Discovering that Adir is sleeping with others hurts me deeply, and maybe that’s not fair of me to feel that way. I mean, the breeders… I’m supposed to be with them. Being with Adir at all is wrong. Maybe this is for the best. He’s going to get caught and get in trouble, and we would be separated anyhow.
But the thought of never seeing him again makes my chest grow incredibly tight.
Love has never been easy to come by. When I learned that I had to love the Novan and he had to love me back… that frightened me.
A knock at the door has me flinching. A breeder? Aren’t they all at a meeting? I think they are at least.
“Are you expecting anyone?” Lara asks me.
“N-No. I-I thought the breeders…”
The door opens, and Lara stands there, not moving, her body positioning preventing me from seeing who is there.
“Stox—Captain Stox, what are you doing here?”
“The bell is about to—” he starts.
A bell sounds.
“That is the signal for dinnertime. The females make use of the dining area now. You can resume your interviews afterward.”
“I suppose you wish for me to join you for the meal,” Lara says dryly.
I peek around the Earthling captain in time to see the alien one shake his head. “No. Go and eat with the others.”
The female captain appraises her match. “How generous of you,” she murmurs.
“Not generous. I do not want to prevent you from your duties.”
Hmm. There’s something in their tone and body language that suggests that maybe there’s something there. Watch. You just wait and see. The captain who is here from Earth to help us is going to end up with a Novan who loves her before I will. She’ll get pregnant before me, and she’s not even meant to be with one of them!
Lara turns to the side and gestures for me to go ahead. Already, I can hear the other ladies leaving their rooms and heading for the dining area. I hesitate, eyeing the two of them and wondering if they are a couple before slipping past the alien captain and joining the throng.
Honestly, I have no appetite, but with the two of them in my room, I have no choice. I sit by myself and pick at my food. No one approaches me, which is just fine. Not fun, no, and I don't have any friends here. I don't have many friends back on Earth. I've never been popular, but the few friends I do have, they're friends for life.
But even they weren’t a reason for me to stay home. All of them have lives of their own, all married with kids. I’m the only one who is single and alone.
Being on Earth wouldn’t change my life at all.
Although it would’ve saved me all of this hurt.
Maybe coming here was a mistake. How can I have thought this would be easy? Granted, I didn't know about the whole love bit. The orgasm requirement is nice, I guess, but love… I've never been in love before. I dated some in college. Not high school. I would've been allowed to, but there weren't any guys that I was willing to talk to, so the idea of dating made me want to break out in hives. I did date some in college. At first, I wanted to be a phlebotomist, but I soon realized that I couldn't handle the sight of blood. Then I tried for nursing, but that didn't stick either. At that point, I grew so frustrated that I decided to put college on hold for a time and managed to be hired as a secretary at a booming business.
A business that the Grots destroyed.
The Grots took so very much from us, but they took far more from the Novans. That’s why I’m here. I need to remember that.
For far too much of my life, I haven’t lived up to my expectations. It’s not time to lower my expectations. No, it’s time for me to start rising up to meet them.
If only I could figure out how to do
