But no. This can’t be. Callie would’ve said something, wouldn’t she have?
No. She’s too shy and quiet for that.
She wouldn’t use words to show her love. No, she would use actions.
A kiss. That’s how she would show her love, and she still hasn’t let me kiss her, not on the lips.
So she doesn’t love me.
I shake my head in disbelief.
“She doesn’t…”
“She does,” Stox says firmly.
Lara shoots the captain a look.
I smile even though I have no idea how the Novan captain can make a statement like that.
“I thought that since she was sleeping with several other Novans that I could too, but I… I do have feelings for her,” I murmur, my gaze shifting toward Callie’s door.
Lara makes a scoffing sound. She’s so disgusted that she’s not even bothering to hide her emotions. “Why didn’t you just tell her how you feel?” she asks. “If you love her and since she loves you… You might have been able to be a breeder just because of the chances of your impregnating her being higher than most. But, no, you wanted to fuck anyone and everyone who would have you. Did you get off knowing that you were doing something you shouldn’t? Was it all just a game to you?”
“It wasn’t a game,” I protest. “Yes, I knew I shouldn’t have done what I was doing, but once I started… I couldn’t stop.”
“You could have stopped,” Lara said hotly. “It’s called self-control.”
I ignore her and turn toward Callie’s door. “Do you think if I talked to her…”
“Talk in the hallway,” Stox demands. “Not in her room and certainly not with the door shut.”
I give him a kind of stunned look. Are the captains right, and she does care about me? Maybe I made a huge mistake. Will she now hate me? Did I ruin everything?
Most likely.
But I have to talk to her.
I slowly nod to Stox, feeling as if I am in a trance and head toward her room.
Feeling like an ogre, I knock on Callie’s door.
It doesn’t open.
I’m not about to.
I lean my forehead against the door. “Callie? It’s me. It’s, ah, it’s Adir. Look, I know you probably—”
The door opens so suddenly that I start to fall.
She steps back, eyes wide. “Are you drunk?”
“Drunk? I don’t know. What is drunk?” I ask, confused. Quickly, I step back. “We’re, ah, supposed to talk out here. Where they can see us.”
She glances over to the captains, who are talking to each other.
I step back again, and Callie follows, although she’s not too close, and her arms are crossed, as if she wants to have a barrier between us.
“I’m sure you must have heard different things about me, and some are maybe true, and maybe some aren’t, but, ah…”
“Why didn’t you just tell her how you feel?” Lara said to me.
I want to do that.
I need to do that.
“I care about you so much. Not the others, not one of them. I just… I can go and explain everything, but I… You’re the one I want. Only you. I just… I’m not a breeder, and…”
Callie lifts onto her toes and kisses my cheek.
But does she say anything? Does she let me explain?
No.
She just enters her room and shuts the door, leaving my miserable self alone.
12
Callie
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, kissing Adir on the cheek and then turning way, but I do it. I shut the door, lean against it, slump to the floor, and wait for the tears to come.
They don’t.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel agony because I do. I so do. It feels as if I’m being ripped apart inside all over again.
Whenever I close my eyes, I see Adir before me. He looked so… I never saw him look like that before. Contrite. Ashamed. Hopeful.
He knew he hurt me.
He didn’t deny his actions.
He also said he would explain himself if he had to.
I appreciate that, but I don’t want all of the sordid details. I have too much self-worth to just give myself over to him. After what he did… What he might’ve done… I just can’t believe he truly loves me if he could fuck around like that. If he cared, he wouldn’t have. I would’ve been enough.
Maybe it’s all my fault. It’s my fault that the other breeders—no, the breeders. Adir isn’t one of them. But maybe it’s because of me that I’m not pregnant, that I’m not able to orgasm easily, that I’m not enough.
But with Adir, I felt like I had been enough. Something about him just clicked with me. We talked about God even. I can’t remember the last time I talked to anyone about my faith. Yes, my faith has been waning a bit lately, but to explain it to him made me feel as if… I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He made me feel as if I could share important information with him, that he was listening to me, that he respected me.
How could he pretend to respect me and then go out and share his body with others?
As I feared, Adir’s no different from the rest of them.
When it’s time for dinner, I don’t leave the room. Hunger comes, though, and eventually, I risk opening my door and peeking up and down the hall.
A guard approaches immediately—not Adir.
“Do you need something?” he asks.
“I… I missed dinner, and…”
“I can go and get you something to eat. Do you want to eat in your room or—”
“My room.” I tilt my head to the side. “Wait. No one should be in the café now, I suppose.”
He lifts his eyebrows. “The eatery should be empty, yes. Do you want me to check for you?”
“I…”
I swallow hard and consider my options. I can hide away here, in my room, but then I would be living in a cage. No, I won’t cower away from the fate I’ve chosen for myself. I am here because I want to be here,
