My gaze never once turned from the screen as he played the piece. I saw the tears running down his cheeks as he fought to keep control and get through every note. I saw his determination not to fall apart, his need to be strong for me, and I wished so much that I had been able to see this when it was made. It would have made me fight harder, seeing what my Dad was going through, and knowing it would be the same for my Mom. It would have made me push to escape long before I did, because the pain in that video was simply unbearable. If I had seen it, I would have done whatever it took to get home and stop the pain pouring from my Dad as he cried his heart out with every note.
The song ended and my Dad stood, moving around the Piano. The image blurred for a moment, and then the camera turned back, and my Mom stood beside him now. She had been crying too, her eyes red and puffy, but she was fighting to hold it together. I saw it in her bunched hand on my Dad’s shoulder.
She looked beautiful, her dark hair cut in a bob and her face made up with just a little makeup. She wore a pink sweater and the small diamond pendant my Dad bought for her the day I was born. She never took that off. I Had the fleeting thought that I really hoped she was buried with it. It’s what she’d have wanted.
“We both love you, Olivia. Never give up hope, Angel. You are stronger than you know, and there is nothing you cannot overcome when you set your mind to it.
“We will be seeing you soon, I know we will. We will never give up looking for you, not until you are once again safe in our arms.” My Mom said tearfully, then the screen went black and I sat, frozen.
I had given up hope. Mom said ‘never give up hope’, but I had. I’d blocked it from my mind like a toxic poison. I had given up on both of them, when they were tearing themselves apart to find me. I had failed them, and because I was too weak and cowardly to fight, I had lost them before I even attempted escape.
“Liv?” Kyle sat forward, looking at me with concern. I took one breath, unable to hold it any longer and nausea instantly hit. I jumped up and ran, fleeing for the bathroom beside the gym. There was no time to close the door. I barely made it to the toilet bowl before my entire breakfast made a reappearance.
I threw up until my stomach was entirely empty, then I sat back, fighting desperately to get air in, only it seemed there wasn’t any to be had.
“Livy! Jesus Love. Breathe, for us. You’re ok, just breathe.” Kade sank to his knees beside me. I looked up, but there was no comfort to be had from him. I couldn’t feel anything, but guilt and shame. Seeing my parents so determined to fight, when I had completely given up, it broke me in a whole new way.
Kyle appeared at Kade’s side, crouched to his haunches. His face was panicked, and I knew I was terrifying them, but I couldn’t make my body cooperate. I couldn’t get a breath in.
“Baby! Listen to me now!” Kyle demanded, his tone sharp. “You are going to pass out, and scare me half to death if you don’t take some deep breaths.”
“I…...c-can’t.” I gasped, becoming scared myself.
“Is Xander here yet?” Cole asked.
“No. He’s not coming until this afternoon, after his shift.” Kade replied frantically.
“Fuck! Do something! She’s turning colours!” Kyle barked.
“Move!” Matt snapped. In an instant Kyle and Kade were gone, replaced by Matt. “Shut off the lights.” He barked, then he gathered me into his arms. The lights in the bathroom went out, and Matt climbed into the shower cubicle with me in his arms.
“Matt, what the fuck?” Kade barked, but Matt just pulled the screen shut and sank to the floor, settling me tightly against his chest.
“Cariña, listen to me, focus on my voice. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever is hurting you right now, it’s gone. It’s outside these glass walls. In here there’s just you and me, nothing else. Look at me, and I want you to think only about your breathing, nothing else. Ok?” He almost ordered. There was a sharpness to his tone that was what I needed to follow the orders he was giving. I nodded as best I could, his demands becoming the only thing I could take in, and blocking out the crazy chaos that had set me off.
“Good girl. Now breathe in for me, and try to hold it as long as you can. When it’s too much I want you to let it out again, but slowly. That’s all you need to focus on, that and my voice. Nothing else matters.” I took the breath Matt ordered. It was short and I doubted I held it for a second before I let it back out, but after a few, they became a little longer, and the darkness that had been creeping around the edges of my vision moved back.
“Good. You’re doing so good, Cariña. Now I want you to try and breathe in for the count of three, ok?” I nodded once, and he gave me the hint of a smile, obviously feeling calmer now I was getting some air in. “Ok, in, one….two…..three.” He counted. My
