I looked around at all of them, now surrounding me, not one of them seeming to know what to say, and all of them looking like they were terrified I could go off like a bomb at any second if they got it wrong.
“I’m ok guys.” I said as firmly as I could, sitting up and looking between them. “You should go, be with Keira and Grant.”
“We’re not leaving you, Love. We’ll stay while you rest a while. Then we can all go down and have dinner together.” Kade tried to smile as he spoke, but it was forced and I hated it.
“I don’t need you guys here.” I said more firmly. I couldn’t stand to see all of the worry and hurt on their faces anymore. It was too much! “Just go. It’s ok. I’m not going to flip out. You can all stop worrying.” The words were sharper than I meant them to be, I was just feeling so damn mad with myself for messing up what was supposed to be a special day.
“Guys, why don’t you head down, and I’ll just stay with her for now.” Matt suggested, obviously sensing I was losing it.
“No! I want to be on my own, so all of you can go!” I yelled, then realised what a bitch I was being and deflated quickly. Not one of them deserved the ire I was throwing their way. “Please guys…..please just go. I need some space.” I almost begged.
“Liv…” Kyle started, but I cut him off.
“Please Kyle…...just give me some time.” I couldn’t look up again and see the emotions on their faces, so I stared at my hands, clasped before me and fought not to yell at them again.
“Ok Love, we’re going to go, but one of us will be close the whole time. Just call out if you need us, and we’ll be here.” Kade relented. I nodded once, so he knew I heard him, then I sat frozen as all four of them walked out, the door closing behind them.
As soon as they were gone I broke down, crying as my Mom’s words ran through my mind over and over. ‘Never give up hope’ Those had been her words, never give up hope because they weren’t. They were never going to stop looking for me, even if it took them until their last breath, which it did.
But I gave up all hope in that place. I pushed it away and allowed resignation and self pity to consume me. I shoved every memory of my parents from my thoughts and I wallowed in my own pathetic misery. I let The Shadow hurt me, I allowed him to put his filthy hands on me, and break me over and over in the worst possible way. I let it all happen, everyday that I just sat there in that hellhole, and didn’t fight to get free, I let it happen.
I let my parents down. I failed them. I should have escaped sooner! If I had, they would have been there to get me at the hospital. I’d have got those suffocating hugs from each of them, and we’d have gone home to the cottage. I’d have gotten my life back and they wouldn’t have died broken and hurting.
But I didn’t escape the first year, or the second; I didn’t even try to. I sat there like the pathetic coward I am, and I let him hurt me over and over, tearing away pieces of me everytime, and taking everything from my parents too.
It took me eight fucking years to escape! Eight years, and even now, I was too scared to remember how I even did it.
I felt so weak and pathetic as I sat there, my thoughts spiraling deeper and deeper into the abyss. I hated myself, hated what I did to my parents, and what I was doing to my guys, and their kind family, but most of all I hated what I had done to myself in the time I had curled up and been a victim. I hated that I was still just as much that victim now, despite the fact I had escaped.
I wasn’t strong, or tough, or a fucking warrior, like the guys said. I was weak, falling apart at every turn, scared of my own damned shadow! I was a wreck and worse still, I was dragging the guys down with me. They deserved better, so much better!
I was so angry with myself by the time I stood. My entire body shook, and I clenched my fists so hard my nails were pressing into my palms painfully, but I didn’t care. Anger had built in me to the point of explosion and I needed to let it out. My head throbbed with the pressure of it.
Needing to hit the person causing all of this, more than anything, I moved to the closet and opened the door. On the back of it hung a full length mirror and the second I saw my pale, weak shaking reflection, I lashed out. The first punch to the glass hurt, as the mirror shattered beneath my fist, but it wasn’t enough. I hit it harder, mad that it hadn’t broken completely.
“Fuck you!” I gasped at my reflection, and then I punched again and again using both fists and completely losing control, focussing on nothing but the blessed pain from the hits, and getting rid of the person I couldn’t stand to see in that mirror. All I wanted was for that pathetic reflection to never look back at me again.
XANDER
I had barely stepped through the door of my family home when Kyle leapt out, looking more frantic than I had seen him in months.
“Ky? What’s going on?” I asked as I hung my coat, then gave him my full attention.
“We fucked up Xand, really bad. Olivia’s a mess and she won’t let us help her.
