“Better.” I gasped.
“Good. Keep going, keep counting, in for three, out for three. Everything’s ok. I’ve got you.” He held me tight as I breathed and counted like he told me to. Every breath became gradually easier until finally the tightness in my chest released, and the realisation of how badly I had just freaked out and scared them all hit, making me feel like an idiot.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered when I felt able.
“No, no talking, only breathing for now Mi Amado, breathing and counting.”
I had scared myself with how badly I had crumbled. I knew why, and the guilt wasn’t any less for what I had done, just because I was calmer, but still, I had completely lost it, and I hated being so weak, and putting the guys through it, especially after the special moments we had all shared that morning, exchanging gifts, and just being together.
“Livy, I’m losing you again. Remember, in here there is only you and I, and breathing. In for three again.” Matt demanded, that firm tone of voice back, that instantly had my focus back on him. He wasn’t being sharp, just commanding, and something in me responded to that.
“One….two….three.” He counted again, and I followed. “And out for three now. Whatever has you worried, let it go. There’s just you and me here. Everything’s ok.”
Trying to do as Matt said, and block out everything but him, I turned enough to press my forehead against his chest. He was still dressed in his PJ’s - lounge pants and a blue tank top, so my forehead met a strip of his skin at the neckline, and I focussed on that, on his skin touching mine, on him surrounding me with his hard, muscled body. I listened to every breath he took, and tried to breathe in time with him. For a long time that was all I focussed on; him, and breathing with him. Time passed and I became calm, my hands no longer trembling and my breaths deep and even again. I felt comforted by the dark around me, and the misted glass walls cutting us off from everything else that existed.
“Cariña.” Matt said, his tone sounding more like the one I knew, but still startling me from the bliss I had found with only the two of us, and nothing else to worry or think about. “I’m going to stand up and carry you out of here now, ok?”
“I’m ok now.” I told him as I nodded my agreement.
“We’re going to head straight to your room so you can lie down for a while, and we’ll all stay with you. Think you’ll be ok with that?” For a moment I took his question wrong, thinking he was mocking me for falling apart, but when I looked into his eyes, I realised he was just checking. He was scared to move me in case I freaked out again, and he was doing all he could to make sure it didn’t happen.
“I think so.” I agreed, unsure how I would actually feel when Matt pulled me from the isolated little bubble he had made for me.
“Ok. Arms around my neck and hold on to me. You start feeling anxious again, I need you to tell me, ok?”
“I’m sorry Matt. I hate being like this.” I whimpered, trying hard not to cry again.
“No apologies. Everything you are going through is expected, and me and the guys, we know that because we’ve been through it ourselves in one way or another. After I came here, I hid in cupboards, and ran from Grant every time he came near me, for over a year. The nightmares and flashbacks lasted more, maybe two or three years, and even now, occasionally they happen. Cole was there with me, through all of that, so he knows and he gets it. Kyle and Kade both experienced similar trauma themselves, so they get it too. No one is mad here, or annoyed, or whatever else that crazy brain of yours is thinking. We love you, and we all think you’re amazing for how you’re bouncing back from everything. We’re here for you all the way, Cariña, just as I know you would be for us if we needed you.”
As I tried to process what he had said, he stood and adjusted his hold on me, so my top half was pressed against his, while he held my legs bridal style. I had no idea how he was managing, since all of my weight sat on one of his hands, while the other cradled my back, but it felt good, comforting, to still hear each breath he took.
He opened the door to the misted glass shower cubicle and Kyle, Kade and Cole stood before me, looking like they had been tearing their hair out for however long I had been hiding with Matt.
“Upstairs guys. She needs to rest.” Matt ordered before any of them could speak. Kade and Cole nodded, and headed out ahead of us, but Kyle just stood frozen, staring at me, panic and fear all over his face.
“I’m ok Kyle.” I tried to reassure him, but my throat was dry and croaky which didn’t help my cause.
“Kyle, come on man. Upstairs. She’s right, she’s better now.” Matt added, finally snapping Kyle from his staring. He nodded once and turned into the hall, but when we followed, he was stopped just outside the doorway. He made no sign of moving, so Matt passed him, and when I looked behind, over Matt’s shoulder, I saw Kyle following behind us. I tried to meet his eyes, but he was looking down, and not at me. He looked so lost and scared, all sign of the fierce soldier gone, and I hated knowing it was entirely my fault.
When we got to my room, Kade and Cole were awkwardly standing beside the bed. The comforter
