No, she will never understand the choice I made. She would’ve stayed on the side of the road that night, consequences be damned. She wouldn’t have run, hid the truth, and then cut all ties with anyone who mattered to her.
No, that was me, and the path I took eight years ago hasn’t changed that.
I’m driving on Route 80, passing the smaller towns in New Jersey as I make my way to Pennsylvania. I already hate every goddamn second of this. I’m going to miss New York City. The city has embedded itself inside of me. Each day, I became less country, and it gave me my true feeling of home. The smells of pretzels and trash, the sounds of horns honking, people yelling, and trains passing by are normal and what filled me when I was empty.
Now, I’m leaving it, and it feels ... weird.
Six months is all I have to endure, and then I can go back to where I feel at ease.
My phone rings, and I swipe the button over to answer Connor’s call. “Hello, Jackass,” I say with a smirk.
“Nice greeting.”
“What can I say? I call it like I see it.”
He snorts. “What time are you coming in? Your ... trailer-house-thing is all set up.”
I regret making that offer more than I can say. However, last thing I want is to be stuck in that fucking house with my brother and his family. I don’t need a daily reminder of what I could’ve had. I do enough self-loathing in my sleep. Still, now I’m in this “luxury tiny house,” which I know I’m going to want to burn to the ground after a week.
“Did you go inside?”
“Of course I did. Now Hadley wants one, thanks for that.”
I grin. “You should get the girl whatever she wants.”
“Right, because even if I say no, it’s not like her uncles won’t go behind my back.”
“Please, we all have years to make up for, and it’s not like the three of us are in a hurry to start a family.”
Connor snorts. “Yeah, you’d need to find a girl willing to put up with your shit.” Then he drops his voice to a near whisper. “Or forgive you for being a total fucking prick.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing, brother, just can’t wait to see you.”
“And I can’t wait to undermine your authority.”
His daughter owns him, and I love that my brother has found a way through his hell, and while Jacob begrudges him a little, I don’t. Connor has struggled with the way our lives went more than anyone. He had my mother the least amount of time, and I’ve always wished it could’ve been different for him.
“Well, don’t think she forgot about the pony you promised her.”
“I didn’t forget. Sean is working on that with the guys in Tennessee. Apparently, his buddy Zach owns a horse ranch and has some ponies coming. Don’t worry, Hadley will have what I promised.”
I won’t break my word to that girl.
She’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a child.
Connor clears his throat. “Why don’t you come for dinner tonight? Ellie is cooking, and she cleaned the spare room in case you look at that ... living thing ... and decide you’d rather stay in the house.”
There is no chance of that. “I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t care if you’re fine or not, she does.”
I snort. “Asshat.”
“Whatever. Just come for dinner. Make Ellie and Hadley happy.”
“I knew you missed me.” I look down at the GPS and see I still have another hour in the trip. “What time is dinner?”
“In about an hour and a half. Just get here, we’ll wait for you.”
I release a deep sigh because there’s no point in fighting it. Ellie will marry my brother someday, which means she’s already family. I owe her more than I can ever repay, so if she wants her annoying-as-hell new brothers-in-law around, then who are we to begrudge her that?
“All right. I’ll see you soon.”
The rest of the drive is peaceful. I spend the hour watching the towns drift by, remembering all too well how it felt when I left and the promises I made as I did. It’s different driving into Sugarloaf.
It feels like prison.
When I get to the entrance of the driveway, I stop. I’m, once again, lost to a time when life was easy, people were alive, and secrets weren’t an issue.
“Why doesn’t Jacob have to answer?” I whine as I punch my brother in the arm.
My mother turns in her seat, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. “Because your brother knows how to behave in public. Do you want to sit here all day?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Then answer the question before the frozen food defrosts.”
I’m smart enough to know that means I’ll have to go back to the grocery store with her, and I hate food shopping. Hate. It’s stupid and annoying and Jacob got candy because he didn’t get caught when he hit me. But I did, and now I’m stuck in the back seat with my stupid brother as he eats his Hershey bar.
Jacob turns to me, chocolate on his lips as he smirks. “What’s one truth about an arrow?”
That it could pierce your heart.
I don’t say that. “A true second shot will split the first arrow and create a solid path,” I say without thinking about it.
I’ve said this same phrase a million times.
Mom grins. “Yes, and why is that important?”
Same follow up. Different day.
“Because I usually screw up the first time and need the second shot.”
She leans over and touches my hand. “My darling, that’s life. We often don’t know the right path and wander the wrong way, but if you’re smart and focus, you can always correct your path.”
What I wouldn’t
