“Syd?” Ellie calls my name.
The tears I’ve been fighting to hold back are pooling. If I speak, I’ll surely break down. Instead, I touch her arm, squeeze just a bit, walk outside, and then drive away.
Only, I don’t get any farther than the end of their driveway before I have to pull over. I lean my head back against the headrest, feeling alone and scared and completely confused, and breathe through my nose.
Okay, I can do this. I have a good life, money, a great job, and I’m going to take another ten pregnancy tests so I can prove this one is faulty and I’m late because I have a tumor.
I let out a soft chuckle.
It’s a sad day when I’m wishing I had a tumor instead of being pregnant, but that isn’t what I really want.
The truth really slaps me in the face. I want this baby. I have spent my entire life wanting to have a family with Declan. I’ve dreamed of it, imagined a daughter with blonde hair and those green Arrowood eyes. The little boy with his mischievous smile and my brains.
It has been my fantasy for so long.
I just didn’t want this baby this way.
My hand falls to my belly, and I rest it there. “You can’t be real,” I whisper. “I may want you, but I can’t have you.”
I can’t have a baby with Declan when he’ll never want it. He isn’t going to stay in Sugarloaf. He’s planning to get back to his fancy life in New York at the earliest possible second. He knows I know that, which makes me wonder if he’ll think I planned this.
Not that I asked him to come to my pond and fuck me senseless, but still, I didn’t stop him.
God, I begged him. I actually begged.
My hand hits my forehead, and I groan.
I need a plan.
I drive home and find Jimmy waiting by the barn, arms crossed over his chest and the cowboy hat he’s had since I was six on his head. I push down all the crap floating in my head because Jimmy has this weird way of seeing inside my mind. Right now, I don’t need anyone knowing what I’m thinking.
“Hey, Jimmy.”
“Bean.” He dips his head. “Have a good day?”
I force a smile onto my lips. “It was ... enlightening.”
I’m not lying, but I’m not elaborating either.
“Same here. We lost another farmhand today.”
I release a heavy sigh. It’s nothing new, but it’s irritating nonetheless. I don’t have time between my job and volunteering with the fire department as an EMT to manage the farm. That’s what Jimmy does.
However, when I took over, I knew I would need to have some involvement, and since I’m pretty good at reading people, the hiring and firing became my thing.
“Who was it?”
“The new guy.”
I laugh without humor. “They’re all the new guy to you.”
We have thirteen employees on the farm, and even though some have been here for twenty years, to Jimmy, it doesn’t matter.
I’m pretty sure he came with the farm a hundred years ago.
“Well, he was the one you hired as the project manager to oversee the repair of the dairy buildings. He was supposed to be the best in the business, not that I don’t have fifty-plus years.”
This guy came from another farm and was able to increase the milk production by tenfold. We needed that knowledge. He was overseeing much more than Jimmy knew. Damn it.
“All right. I’ll take care of it.” Not that I have a clue as to what I’m doing at all. I feel as though I’m falling apart and have no idea how to stop it.
I head inside, looking at my childhood home with new eyes. Could I stay here and raise a baby? There is so much to unpack in my mind that I don’t know where to start. My life isn’t built for kids. I work a lot and the rest of the time I’m volunteering.
However, I don’t have much choice in the matter. I’m having a child, and I’m going to have to do whatever I need to.
My phone pings with a text. I know who it is already because I left Ellie without giving her an answer.
And how could I? Her reaction to finding out that she’s having a baby is the opposite of mine, so she would have ended up feeling guilty for being happy, or upset that I didn’t share her joy.
Ellie: Hey, you okay?
Me: I’m great.
Ellie: You know I’m dying here. Are you pregnant?
And now I’m going to lie to my best friend.
Me: No. It’s all good.
Ellie: Oh, thank god! I know you didn’t want that, and it would have definitely put a kink in your plans to avoid all things Declan.
She can say that again.
Me: For real. I’m happy for you though! A baby! How is Connor?
Maybe if I can turn the conversation to her and Connor, we can forget about me. Focusing on anything other than my current problems is preferable.
Ellie: He’s beside himself. Call me tomorrow?
Me: You got it.
Not that I have a clue what I’ll say tomorrow.
Chapter Five
Declan
“A tiny house? You? That’s rich.” Milo Huxley laughs as he grabs his scotch.
“I don’t have much of a choice. Not all of us find the woman of our dreams, marry her, get the job we want, and get to live in luxury.”
He raises his glass and nods. “That might be so, but you’re forgetting the part where I lost the job, moved back to London without the girl, and have a wanker for a brother who made me an assistant for quite a while.”
“I’ve got three of those,” I toss back. “And I’m moving back to the town where I have to try to avoid the girl.”
It’s been two months, and I can’t get her out of my head. I’ve dreamed of her, woke with the memory of how she felt in my arms again, and would
